Afterwards

That summer, on our anniversary, I game Bob the gift I had bought him in March—a Swiss watch with his initials and our twentieth anniversary date engraved on the back of it. I told him I had bought it was a symbol of all our time together, but now that I knew we had been unequally yoked for so long, I wanted it to be a symbol of the future where we would truly be one united in marriage with God as the head of our household.

I’m not going to say everything has been easy after that. I still at times made snap decisions without consulting with God first.  But I knew now to ask forgiveness and go back to God and ask him what to do.  Most often the answer I got to most questions was “wait.”  In March 2014 I fell into another depression, where I again started to question God’s presence in my life. But there were crucial differences in this depression and others—I had no desire to kill myself, and I had the strength to keep functioning day after day without resorting to sleep or other means of escape. Instead, I wrote an essay about how I was doing, day to day, living with bipolar disorder the best I could. I sent it to a secular journal to see what they had to say about it.

I stayed out of the hospital even though I was simply plodding along now, waiting for the depression to lift. I changed medications again, and finally in May I woke up one morning feeling decent for the first time in many, many days.  I thanked God for bringing me through it and went on about my life—again with the awareness that something was different, and that something was Jesus. In early September, I got a personal response from the journal that said the piece I had written about bipolar disorder was very good but too narrow in focus for their publication.

I read over it, and although I was initially a little upset, I saw that the audience for this piece really wasn’t the ordinary reader—it was for people who suffered from bipolar disorder who needed some hope that life could somehow be better for them than mania on one end and depression on the other. So I started on this story and the blog, praying and hoping to possibly reach that audience somehow, somewhere. . Within two weeks, I had over 100 page views on the new blog and comments from people on how reading my story was helping them.  I felt had found an audience that wanted to read what I had to say.

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One thought on “Afterwards

  1. This is exactly what makes bipolar unique among other depressive disorders. One day you wake up and feel unaccountably tired, with body aches that seem to come out of nowhere, all your movement is like swimming in a pool of molasses–slow motion. Another day, you wake up as normal as can be, no reason whatsoever for the switch. It’s unpredictable and frustrating. The weird times for sleeping have caused a lot of headache for me when it comes to employment. But I love hearing how you came to establish this blog. It’s a blessing. Keep these posts coming!

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