In my journal in October 2010, I wrote this line: “I think I’m a spiritual burn victim. I went through the fire and came out damaged and did not heal correctly.”
My journal is unclear as to what circumstance exactly prompted me to write this line down. I don’t think invented the phrase “spiritual burn victim”; a google search brought up five instances of those three words being used together in Christian circles. I do not know where I heard it from. But I do remember certain feelings I had when I wrote it, however.
I had gone through the year without being hospitalized inpatient, so I know I was feeling better than I had been in the past few years as far as my depression went. I had written earlier that I felt like a new medicine had a “miraculous” effect on my mood in that it helped me avoid hospitalization. But my emotions were still very sensitive and raw. I was experiencing nothing but rejection in my creative writing career when I had experienced nothing but success with my freelance writing.
I remember thinking the analogy was apt. Christians going through trials often speak of going “through fire”. I felt like whatever fire I had gone through, I was not able to heal before the next trial came along. And I felt that instead of developing healthy new spiritual skin after each trial, my soul was being covered in ugly scar tissue, making me less sensitive to other people’s pain and only aware of my own.
5 thoughts on “Old Scars”
The thing is if you are a Christian you have to believe by faith that God’s will is good and perfect and that He makes no mistakes. If I don’t believe that, I still have to. If I don’t want to believe it I have to. He doesnt erroneously send us through another trial before it’s time for the next. We don’t feel ready but He knows. I’ve suffered from a variety of occurrences but *I have * to believe it was all either God’s will and/ or He allowed it to happen in order to perfect me. what if we are supposed to behave this way? What if we are supposed to be somber and serious and cautious and wary and weary? What if the oblivious ones have it all wrong? What if we aren’t supposed to become comfortable here because this is not our home? I’ve read that we are heavenly beings having an earthly experience. It is foreign and uncomfortable. We make mistakes as we dwell here but these things will not endure forever. I am aware of peoples pain. As far as sensitivity, I don’t feel that I have to be down in the depths with them. On the other hand, where would I be but for God softening someone’s heart towards me to reach me in my time of need. If I can help someone I will but we all have our own journey. Each of us needs to break out of our own chrysalis so that their own wings can be strengthened. I can pray for hurting people as I am made aware but we all have our own crosses to bear. Just sharing my thoughts about your perspective shared.
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These were my thoughts four years ago before completely surrendering to God in 2013. I wasn’t healing because I wasn’t looking to the healer of all things. I’m going to share some other feelings I had at the time at how “church people” would speak to me about my difficulties and how that contributed to some of my anger at God. I hope I don’t offend. I’m just trying to be honest about the evolution of my recovery and some of the bumps in the road I had to go over because of my own misunderstandings or rebellion.
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No ma’am. No offense whatsoever. I hope I didn’t offend you. I waffled between “am I offending by sharing my truth? And “I am compelled to share my truth if it sheds an inkling of light”. I decided to share in the instance. You did state right away, that these were old thoughts. I appreciate your honesty.
My memory is faulty at times, but I’m doing my best to be as honest as I can. That’s all I really want to be,
I like that saying…We are heavenly beings having an earthly experience. Of course we’re not so comfortable.