It’s thundering and overcast here–hopefully the rain will blow through quickly and my little one can go swimming this afternoon. We will see. It’s looks more like November outside than June right now
I’m getting to where I’m not even hearing the alarm clock go off in the morning I’m so sleepy. Bob had to wake me up to say bye in the morning today. I’m doing as much sleeping as I can get away with so maybe I will have more energy, but it just doesn’t work that way.
FInished the.book I was talking about–the Howard book. It held up throughout the entire reading. I was so gratified at the ending and how well it turned out. It gave me hope for the future of fiction in America. If only more books as humane and honest as that one were published.
SO now I’m waiting on the rest of my books to come in from Barnes and Noble. I’ll hopefully finish them all before October THat is the idea anyway.
I’ve had two recent days with views of my archives out the roof from one reader that day. I wish they would leave a comment on what they’re reading and how they found me. I’m so curious. But I hope they’re finding something worth reading and getting what they need out of my story.
I’ve been very nervy the past few days. I think it’s actually about the SCOTUS and how it seems to be bowing to the President’s whim with every decision it’s making. I’m afraid the rulings are going to have some unintended consequences that no one is looking at very closely. I just don’t know what to think about our government any more. But that’s all I’ll say about that because I think it’s only tangentally related to my mood.
I’m reading my way through the list of novels I’ve been given for my class this fall. I read a third book that was better than the second but came away thinking–I could have written this book. But my fourth book–it’s a horse of a whole other color. It’s by Ravi Howard and called “Driving the King”. It’s amazing so far. A writer published in 2015 that every other word isn’t profanity. A book that treats sex as something mysterious and private. A book where emotion is restrained and telling the story honestly is the focus instead. I can only read a few pages at a time before I have to put it down and think about what the author is doing with his words. I really, really like this one and didn’t think I would before I started it. I’ll finish just in time for the ones I ordered to come in. Eight more to go.
You keep hearing bipolar people talking about going off their meds for whatever reason–they hate the side effects. They hate losing the productivity of mania. They hate the way the meds make them feel. They hate being dependent on them.
It’s the same thing with any chronic disease. Sometimes you just get tired. Diabetics want a cheeseburger. So do heart patients. AIDS patients get tired of all the pills and their side effects, too.
But I never have had the urge to stop my meds because I know where that leads. I’ve had enough depressions and downright SCARY manic episodes that I don’t want to take any risks at all. I’m in a good place right now, and although the sleepiness gets the best of me at times, I know what the other side looks like. I don’t want to live there again. The paranoia is the worst thing for me–fears of all kinds that overwhelm me when I’m in an episode. I can’t live like that, or I’ll find myself back in the car with the motor running in the garage trying to go to sleep forever.
I may not be at my best anymore, but I’ll take anything better over feeling my worst again. And that’s why I take my meds everyday around the clock exactly as prescribed.
Today has been a runaround day. Luckily Rachel remembered tutoring was earlier than usual today so we got there on time, then my daughter called to say my daddy had dropped by in his hot rod–he was in Jackson to get hearing aides and came by to visit. He didn’t stay long enough for us to get to see him; he went on to the Veterans Affairs Medical Center. I can only imagine the stares he’s getting around town driving that car. (If you’re in Jackson, be on the lookout for a star-spangled old-timey car and wave if you see him). We had to go to the store because I forgot an ingredient for dinner tonight, then we tried to go to the pool, but I realized we wouldn’t get back in time to be able to get ready for ballet practice. So we turned around. Protests all around. But that’s the way life is sometimes.
Reading one of the books for my class–it’s identified as semi-autobiographical by the author but is simply so much drivel. I can already write better than this woman can. It’s outrageous. I won’t say more because I don’t want to give it more attention than it deserves. I’m just going to finish it and move on to the next one.
I need to refill one of my meds today. So add that to the list of stuff to do. I go to the pharmacy at least once a week for my various meds. I feel like I should get a punch card–fill it with visits and get a scrip for free as often as I’m there. Or something. They know me by name there now.
Still so tired all the time. We will see what happens as the rest of the day unfolds. Have to go do a ballet bun now. Have a good weekend!
Se we now have wifi. My old laptop will not work on it, so my daughter is out trying to buy Google Chrome program to manually load onto it because we can’t get on the internet with it because our IE version is too old to work with wifi. Se we will see how that works. Had to buy an adapter to get the main computer to work but that wasn’t too much.
Today is going pretty well so far. We spent the morning fooling with that, so it’s been a productive morning. I’m not too sleepy today so that is good as well. My oldest had to go into work early this morning, so she’s been gone all day. She’ll have to set p her wifi when she gets home. But she says she knows how, so we will not worry about that.
Almost done with my first book for my class this fall. Only 11 more to go 🙂 I’ll make it though. I’m able to read for little longer at a time than I was before, so that is a nice change. Hopefully that trend will continue.
Had a good session with my counselor today. Talked about our vacation and how that went–it was relatively stress free and how that was a good thing. Vacations in the past have often put me in mild depressive states because the preparation all fell on me and I was responsible for so much. But now the kids are old enough to manage so many things for themselves so preparation and traveling are not nearly as stressful for me as they have been in the past.
We went over my concerns about being in the MFA program–the initial euphoria has worn off and I’m starting to try to look at it realistically. We talked about the time I’d be spending on campus, the expectations of the program, the need to file papers with the disability office, etc. I still feel confident that I’m doing the right thing for myself; I’m just starting to realize how much the program is going to demand from me in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time. I’m glad I gave up teaching to do it because I think it’s going to take up a lot of my time. Which is only right. If you want the degree and all that goes with it, you have to put in the work.
So we’re back from vacation and back in the swing of things. We had a good trip, considering the flooding going on in the area. We had some attractions we couldn’t get into, like the Arch and the Basilica, and others that for one reason or another were inaccessible. But we did get to Hannibal where Mark Twain grew up and spent the day there learning about his life and writing. We spent one day going along the Missouri RIver visiting small towns such as Defiance, where Daniel Boone spent the last years of his life–we visited the Boone house and enjoyed that quite a bit. We ate in some interesting places such as an Italian restaurant in Louisiana, Missouri and a really classy steakhouse outside St. Louis. We spent a whole day driving up and another whole day driving back, so that was a lot of togetherness discussing the issues of the day and other topics.
I held up pretty well. I got tired easily but went to bed early every night to compensate for that. We did just enough to keep busy–Terrie got sick Saturday afternoon and we had to go back to the room to let her rest for a while, which gave me the chance to take a catnap as well. But we had a good time in our own way and are ready to get back to normal life until my surgery in July.
I go see my counselor tomorrow and get to catch her up on things. I’ve read up on the updates for my MFA program and learned quite a bit last night about what it’s going to be like. I hope I’m up to the challenge–I’m having trouble wading through the first book I’m having to read and wondering if my attention span or my comprehension is gone for good. Maybe once I have my surgery I can slow down enough to concentrate on what I’m supposed to be getting out of them. We will see.
THe pacing is getting more and more worrisome. I find myself just wandering around the house not accomplishing anything. I don’t know if I’m really having high energy or not. I’m just bored right now. I’m reading on my books for my course this fall, but for some reason at certain times of the day I just feel like I need to move around. I wonder what is causing all this.
But I’m tired at the same time. Sleepy is more the feeling. I don’t do a lot to get physically tired. But I just want to go to back to sleep. It’s very frustrating. I have things I need to do but I don’t feel like doing them. I just want to sleep or pace around. If I could get something done pacing, it would feel so bad.
I just want to feel normal again. I know that I’m really functioning on a higher level than I have been since I was diagnosed, but I want to feel like my old self again sometimes.
Packing and getting ready for vacation. Will probably be on hiatus while I’m gone, so feel free to wander through the archives while I’m gone. Hope everyone has s good week.
Bob went to the grocery store for me last week and found Dr. Pepper made with REAL SUGAR in cans. Throwback cans and the whole bit. I remember when all the soft drinks we made with sugar. THen slowly, slowly they started replacing it with high fructose corn syrup. Supposedly to our health detriment. Whatever. I’m just glad Bob found them and brought home a twelve pack.
Getting packed for our trip. We head out to St. Louis this week and I’ll be on hiatus from blogging. But we all hope to have fun and get to relax for a little while.
My youngest just went off with her friends to watch the dollar movie at the local theater. Hopefully she will have fun. The middle child has run off to the band hall to practice her music, and the oldest is off work today. So it looks like a slow day around here. Which is another little pleasure I am going to enjoy.
Thank goodness for simple pleasures.
I was a bit of a slug this morning and slept in while the kids went to Vacation Bible School. So I am wide awake now but rained in for the moment by a downpour like we usually get in Mississippi this time of year. I’ll have to put off my trip to the library to pick up my books for my first MFA class. But I’ll get them today at some point and start reading.
I sent in my new post for the “Defying Shadows” blog (www.defyingshadows.wordpress.com) about applying for disability. They sent back that they liked it and it will publish sometime in July. So that was nice to hear. I’ll have to do some research for my next one–they want a post on the bipolar spectrum of disorders. So I’ll start working on that and have it in by my surgery.
I’m starting to get really impatient to have it. THis constant bleeding is sapping my energy and is just nasty all around. Plus the lurking fear that they’re going to find something really wrong with me after having the surgery. I keep telling myself I’m being paranoid because my doctor says there’s nothing else going on that they can see on sonogram or by exam. So that is helping somewhat. But not much.