So I asked two friends of mine also in recovery about my confusion over “remission”.  Both responded with good points.  Mary said that I needed to research the concept, looking up exactly how my doctor might be using the term.  I did and found that remission simply menus a restoration of functioning of a certain percentage.  SO it is not an absence of symptoms but  a lessening of their impact on functioning.  Lord knows I have improved a great deal over my lowest lows.

Mike said that he would celebrate his tenth year of sobriety In a month  and that while he thought that was great, stopping drinking didn’t’ solve all of his problems.  So he described it as “being cured” while still having issues to deal with.  I can relate to that explanation as well.

What ‘s been so disorienting to me is that my perspective changed so much. I went from someone dealing pretty well with a disabling condition to someone who was supposed to be dealing with issues so much better and failing.  Failing is not something I am good at or with.

I did get to the grocery store today and got most everything we needed. I don’t think I forgot anything important.  I did lie down this afternoon when I felt sleepy but stayed awake and just rested. I did a good bit of work on my class early this morning and feel good about that.  So I have some accomplishments to look back on.  I think by taking one day at a time, I can Manage to see what I can do and not do on a daily basis and try to not think too far ahead.



I don’t often post on Sunday, but today has been too strange not to comment .  I had another anxiety fit going to the grocery store today.  THis incident pointed up something that I’ve been ignoring in hopes it would just go away.

I’m NOT in remission.  I still can’t go to the grocery store without summoning every ounce of courage I’ve got.  I can’t take care of the house and everyday duties like a normal person can.  I still don’t think I can hold down a regular job.  These things are what remission means to me,  And I can’t do it.  I still want to sleep all day.  I’m not confident in my abilities to relate to people normally without getting manic, particularly men.  And I don’t know what to do about it except try to do better without any confidence that I will get better.

WHy can’t I believe in my own recovery?  WHy do I still hang on to some symptoms and habits that I should be rid of if I’m in remission?  Has this kind of phenomenon happened to anyone else?  I’m still on my meds and no suggestion has been made to take me off.  I’ve lived so long with bipolar disorder now that I don[t know what my life is supposed to look like if I no longer have it.  I’m truly conflicted by this.  I’ve wanted to be healed but I don’t know how to act like it anymore.  I just don’t know what to do.

Coke is Not My Friend

But I can’t seem to live without it.  I tried going with water at lunch and by the time I drove home I was so sleepy it was dangerous. I stayed without it until my youngest came home and then I just had to drink another one.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  And I so hate that feeling that I went ahead and got a  Coke.  So we will see if I can cut back a little at a time instead of so much at once.

Tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and the news has been all over it for longer than a week, it seems. I’ve been avoiding news sites and programs all week long.  Hopefully after tomorrow it will be over and I can quit thinking about it.  I may post them at at some point, but right now I am just not up to thinking about the hurricane and what it did to my life at the time.

I can’t get the computer to act right for my assignments.  All I have to do is send my drivers’ license in to school and let them have it for documentation purposes that I am who I say I am. I seem to be incompetent at working the webcam thus far.  It’s blurry whether I put it close to the cam or far away.  I sent the best picture and hope it will do.  They rejected the first one.   We will see.

I did send in a pretty good video for my class assignment.  At least I hope it was good.  Hope it was what they were looking for.  I’m not sure about this new class in new media.  It seems to be starting very slowly so far  But slow is fine. Let me ease into it and get my feet wet as my professor says.

I Didn’t Forget to Post Today. . .

I just ran out of  time.  I worked and worked on a video presentation today and have nothing to show for it except a tad bit more knowledge about how to work Movie Maker for Windows.  So that is a bit frustrating.

My middle daughter has had another boy ask her out.  He’s a drummer like her in the high school band.  He’s new to the school having moved from a very tiny community south of here, and he’s taken a liking to her.  So I met him tonight at church and he seems like a nice kid.  WE’ll have to see how this one turns out.

After I get this video presentation done and uploaded, I need to move to the desktop to work.  THis tiny keyboard and print are gong to kill me.  I keep trying and keep having problems.  But I did get some good computer advice today and will need to try it tomorrow when I’m less tired and more aware.

Staying up all day is hard.  I feel sleepy all day and am trying so hard not to give in to the urge to sleep all day.  One of these days I pray I won’t be so tired all the time.

Coming Out Again

This post has been eaten twice by my new computer.  I am trying my best  I think I will go for brevity.

I posted to my grad school colleagues about being bipolar today.  I inserted it into a discussion about what is appropriate to put out on facebook or twitter and how the wrong things can ruin your life.  I hope they will take it in the spirit it was said and will understand why I mentioned it in the context of the discussion.  I’m always a little uncomfortable doing it, but  I think I said the right thing

I’m glad I have this safe space here to post on such issues.  I thnk however I will post from now on on the desktop because this laptop is giving me fits.  Hope everyone has a good day.

First Conference

Met my online professor this morning in a video conference.  We talked about he upcoming assignments and what needed to be done with them.  He was very nice and personable, so that was good.  We had some technical issues we had to work out, but we managed it and had about a fifteen-twenty minute conversation through the learning system Canvas.  The first assignment is to create a video about ourselves and who we are as writers.  One to two minutes he said.  So that will be interesting-I’ll have to learn my video editing software very quickly.  So we will see how that goes.

Bob is home sick from his allergies–his bronchial tubes are damaged from irritation and coughing.  So he took a strong cough syrup this afternoon and is zonked out in front of the TV trying to let his throat rest.  He has trouble of some of this sort most seasons of the year–this particular attack was likely kicked off by a visit to Bass Pro Shop where they have a huge aquarium of fish right beside the stairs to get up to the camping equipment.  He is so allergic to fish that something like that can set off an allergy attack.  Please pray for him to get better.

Haven’t heard any more from my cousin’s situation.  I may hear more when I call mu mom later.  I don’t know what to do except pray he will get the help he needs and quickly.

Hope everyone’s week is starting off well.  Hope everyone has a good day.

Another Casualty

Just got off the phone with my mom, who told me about trouble a cousin of mine is having. He’s separated from his wife for no discernible reason.  They are having a lot of stress in their marriage because their combined children keep stirring things up between them, and one son is in jail for beating up on my cousin.  His wife told my mom that he had gone to a doctor who told him he was bipolar.  Mom asked me if that made any sense. I said I made plenty of sense because of some things that I knew had gone on in his past when we were kids and some of what had gone on in his previous marriages.  His wife is hoping it’s just simple depression and nothing as complicated as bipolar.  But I told my mom to tell him to call me if he wanted to talk about bipolar and find out more about it.   I hope he does, and I hope I can steer him to some help.

Otherwise have had  a good day today–met my homeschool  class and talked about writing fiction.  That was fun.  They have their assignments and I hope they come up with some good ideas for their stories.  I’m looking forward to reading them.

Going to the ballgame tonight, high school.  Ready to watch my middle one play in the band and see how the new show will go.  I’m hoping better than she’s telling me, because she says it’s just absolute chaos at some points.  So hopefully it looks better on the field than it sounds when she is describing it.  It’s our first year with a new quarterback, so it will be interesting to see how the team does as well.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

First Day of Class

Got up on time and went immediately to my school’s website to see if my course was active yet.  It was–It’s called “Wiring for New Media” and will involve a good many social media projects over the course of the semester.  So we will see how it goes.  I printed the syllabus and participated in the first class exercise, which is a discussion of what new media is and what we want to get out of the class.  SO that was interesting but didn’t take long.  I’m interested in seeing how “on the ball” the rest of my classmates are–how soon/often they participate, etc.  I’m excited about the whole semester so I am trying to be proactive and as participatory as possible.

So that was just about all there was to my first day.  I answered a message about when I would be available for video conferencing and turned in my preferences.  Next week should be more intense once we start reading and doing exercises for the course.  We will see how it goes.  I’m going to be doing a lot that I’ve never done before on the computer so that will be a steep learning curve for me. I’ll have to pick up a lot in a short time.

I haven’t gotten my disability plan yet–I got an email about it asking when I could “meet” about it–I replied that I was 2 hours away and wasn’t going to be on campus until October for the residency.  I never heard back, so today I emailed my department head about it.  So hopefully I will hear something soon.

ANd I found out something REALLY neat about the short residency–one of the speakers is PJ O’Rourke, one of my favorite political commentators!  I’ve got several of his book and plan to ask him to autograph one unless he’s selling a new one-then I’ll buy it and ask him to sign it.  I remember interviewing another of my political comedy heroes very early in my freelance career, Steve Allen. Funny, funny.  Hope PJ is as good in person as he is in print.

At Home

So I have a sick child at home today; she’s sleeping on the couch and trying to watch movies inbetwen naps.  It’s the middle one, the one I took to the doctor last week. We are hoping a day on some strong cough medicine will get her back up to speed and she won’t have to miss any more school.  So that is the hope.

I’m getting information about the classes I begin tomorrow slowly but surely.  So I am not quite sure what will happen tomorrow.  I will sign into the website and see.  He muttered something about getting assignments this week, so I guess we will jump in with both feet.  I am starting to get a little scared in that I just don’t know how intense this will be and how much writing I will be doing for this particular class. Hopefully there will be a syllabus up tomorrow and I can go ahead and see what  we will be doing.

I wrote a bit for the blog I guest at and need to figure out the photo editor and how to send one to her. I HATE PHOTOS AND IMAGES.  I don’t know how to work with them. But I suppose I will learn soon.  Tha’ts going to be part of this new media class so I will hopefully get to be a pro at it before I’m done.

Well,. it’s lunhtime and I will see what I can get together for lunchtime.

Update:  Now that I’ve spent the morning listening to Henry Mancini, Louis Armstrong, and Elvis Presley, I am In a much better mood.   Love my new music!

Love My Music

I’m listening to the original cast recording of “Cats” and loving it.  I’m so glad to have so much new music to listen to.  Creating new synapses in my brain as I listen.  Right now I’m listening to “Memory” which is the only song I recognize.  I’ve never seen “Cats” so I don’t know it like I do “Phantom of the Opera”.

Need to take my middle one back to the doctor.  She hasn’t stopped coughing, she’s got chest pain from coughing, and she now has a constant sinus headache.  SO we will see how that goes.

I’ve finally converted to the new computer. I’m typing on it even as we speak.  I can’t get over how well I can see the print on it–it’s tiny but so crisp that I’m not having any trouble.  That makes me happy.  It’s such a nice machine.  We’ll see how much I can do with it once school starts.

I had some trouble yesterday and Sunday.  I think I was missing my oldest because I had a terrible time going grocery shopping.  She had been so helpful to shop and cook this summer.  I slept in until 9:45 yesterday.  But I feel much better this morning.  So I am glad of that.

Hope everyone has a good week!