A professional acquaintance of mine is an editorial cartoonist. He is illustrating a book of essays and was talking on Facebook yesterday about having completed 22 drawings in one day, starting early SUnday morning. I messaged him on Facebook and congratulated him on his dedication. He said “It was a deadline,” being very modest.
I hate to think what I would do if asked to do a similar task, deadline or no. I have a love-hate relationship with deadlines. THey make me catastrophically anxious (which is why I had to quit daily freelancing) but I often can’t get anything done without a deadline staring me in the face, self-imposed or no.
If I really loved writing the way I say I do, I would be writing more every day. ANd I’m not. Because I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of the blank page. I forget that I have a delete key for when it doesn’t turn out the way I want it to. I look around me at the people who are succeeding and wonder if it’s just bad luck on my part, but I know I’m just lying to myself when I say that. I don’t have the dedication I need right now.
I’m praying that will change. I’m hoping this new MFA program will remind me again that writing can be fun and enjoyable, whether it is successful or not. Please join me in prayer that I can get over my fears in time to start this program in three weeks. THank you.