I don’t often post on Sunday, but today has been too strange not to comment .  I had another anxiety fit going to the grocery store today.  THis incident pointed up something that I’ve been ignoring in hopes it would just go away.

I’m NOT in remission.  I still can’t go to the grocery store without summoning every ounce of courage I’ve got.  I can’t take care of the house and everyday duties like a normal person can.  I still don’t think I can hold down a regular job.  These things are what remission means to me,  And I can’t do it.  I still want to sleep all day.  I’m not confident in my abilities to relate to people normally without getting manic, particularly men.  And I don’t know what to do about it except try to do better without any confidence that I will get better.

WHy can’t I believe in my own recovery?  WHy do I still hang on to some symptoms and habits that I should be rid of if I’m in remission?  Has this kind of phenomenon happened to anyone else?  I’m still on my meds and no suggestion has been made to take me off.  I’ve lived so long with bipolar disorder now that I don[t know what my life is supposed to look like if I no longer have it.  I’m truly conflicted by this.  I’ve wanted to be healed but I don’t know how to act like it anymore.  I just don’t know what to do.

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