So today was the first local dance competition. We started getting ready for it at 7: 30 a.m. and barely got there by 9 a.m, when it started. My anxiety has been communicated to my youngest child–she had to wear a hat for her first dance (the first one on the program), and when we took it off, of course her hair was ruined and had to be restyled in the gym bathroom of the venue. She started crying. Even though I wasn’t anxious due to my Xanax, there was no calming my child down until I just said we would get it done and there was no use crying as that would mess up her makeup and we’d have to redo it, too. So she calmed down. I hate this business. So we are going to have to revise how we do hair from now on so we can leave on time and not have to redo it so often. Very frustrating.
I have an assignment up for comments and haven’t received any. I want to hear some feedback before I turn it in, but I may not get any. We will have to see. THe assignments due tomorrow; if I don’t get any by bedtime tonight, I’m just going to turn it in early and see how it does.
I have been so sleepy due to the Xanax. But I guess I’m just going to have to get used to it. I can’t take the anxiety and certainly don’t want to communicate it to my children. We’ll see if I get habituated to it soon enough so that it keeps working but doesn’t sedate me so badly.
HOpe everyone has a good weekend!
I think I’m just going to have to go to Xanax every day and deal with the sleepiness–for a while anyway. I just can’t control the anxiety right now any other way. I managed last night fine, getting everyone where they needed to be right on time and in good time and without real stress, but that didn’t ease down my anxiety. I cried and cried last night because I could not calm down. I finally took the Xanax and took it again this morning.
I’m working on my exercise for school, and I’m just not satisfied with it. It’s not as evocative as I want it to be. I guess I can keep working on it right up to the deadline.
I am so tired of dealing with this syndrome every spring. SO far it is starting out to be the worst year in a long time. ANd it’s starting so early. Usually I don’t have to worry until February. I don’t’ want to have to go to the hospital. I really don’t. There’s no time for that.
Today has been slow. I went to the grocery store without incident so that was good. But I haven’t’ done anything else today except laundry. And sleep. But it wasn’t’ good sleep this morning–people kept calling and waking me up. I got a good response from my nonfiction teacher about my essay about our weekly reading, so I suppose that was a good thing. No one else has attempted to assay the reading yet, just me. I need to be working on my exercise, but I know what I’m going to do and it’s going to be somewhat depressing. I think it will make a good essay, but still be depressing. And I don’t know what I can do about that.
DId my yoga class again this morning. I feel sore while doing the poses and stretches, but it all goes away during the relaxing phase of the class. So I’m feeling pretty good right now. Just waiting on laundry to dry.
I realized yesterday that I really am in a depressed mood right now. I tried to start the exercise I’d been assigned for nonfiction class, and I could not come up with a positive take on the topic. I kept wanting to wander down depressing paths. WE were supposed to write about the concept of “home”, in whatever variation we wanted to on whatever home we wanted to talk about. Like instead of talking about how much I enjoyed having my first apartment, what came to mind is the one time I regretted leaving home for it and that was when a pair of students were murdered in the town I was living in. That kind of thing. I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
I just hope I make it through this depression with grace and a semblance of normalcy. I don’t know how long it’s going to last or when I’ll come out of it. Please pray for my new medicine to start working and bringing me out of it.
Had a major anxiety storm in my brain early last evening. I focused on the statement “I cannot cope with this any longer. I am a failure as a person.” I thought of everything we have coming up in our lives very soon and despaired of myself being able to handle it all. As I said yesterday, I slept part of the day away and felt horrible for it. I just kept piling self-loathing onto self-loathing until it became overwhelming. Then I realized I had to cook supper. I went and took a Xanax because I could not get my brain to stop spinning around those two statements.
I know all the conventional answers. I can do all things through Christ Jesus. I am more than an overcomer through Christ. But those don’t feel real in my life right now. I know I have no control over the many things that worry me. But they worry me just the same. I’m trying to pray over everything that comes up in my mind before I expend the energy to worry about it and that was working for me until this last episode.
I do feel like a failure. I do know that I cannot cope with this disease alone. I know I am not coping with this disease alone. But it certainly does feel like it at times. Like the title says I am almost giving up. But is there something I need to give up? My desperate need for control in my life? Maybe I do need to give that up. All I can realistically control is myself. But bipolar disorder has taken that ability away from me, it feels like. And that’s what scares me the most, I think–that I’ll lose control of myself again in some way.
I have been thinking it was Tuesday ever since my youngest daughter came home. I was getting ready to tell her to get ready for piano lessons when she asked me what was I doing? I said “Waiting to take you to piano.” She just looked at me with her head tilted. Then I realized it was Monday. So that was embarrassing.
Got my first assignment for Nonfiction class and have to write a story about “home”. I’m not sure what I’m going to do I so far have three ideas floating around in my head and need to nail one of them down. I think any one of them would make for a good essay. But we will see.
Constant battle again to stay awake. I got up and got out early to get my oil changed and buy groceries, then came home and slept about a hour and a half. I’ve felt halfway decent during the weekend and was hoping I was on the upswing. Maybe later I will do better.
We’re having a bit of a revival in our church among the young people. Several high schoolers were baptized last night, some of them my middle daughter’s friends. I’m so glad to see God moving among the y9ung people. They need so much help coping with what life is throwing at them nowadays.
I don’t know if the Xanax is still in my system affecting me or what. I have been sleepy all day, finally giving in and sleeping in this morning until almost lunchtime. I hate having to fight this battle everyday. I have things to do. I got a part of my college assignment done and will finish it likely tomorrow as it is fairly late tonight. I wish I could just live a normal life. Get up in the morning and accomplish the tasks of the day. Not wait for the earliest possible chance to go to bed at night. Not stagger around the house comatose and out of it. I’m so tired of it all. Where do I go to trade in my life for a new one?
We haven’t had much snow, just little microscopic flurries that evaporate in the air. It is cold, down around 35 degrees. That’s awfully cold for us here in Mississippi. It’s supposed to get colder tonight but hopefully not ice over any overnight. The bad stuff is north of us, up around Memphis or so and all points north.
I’ll get to sleep a little late tomorrow but not much–I’ll probably be up around eight or so. The youngest one has a friend coming over to play tomorrow afternoon, and Bob and my middle one are trying to come up with something they can go do even with the cold. So far they’re not having any luck figuring anything out.
Please pray that the Lexapro starts working soon in my body. I know it can take a few weeks to build up to therapeutic levels like most antidepressants, but I do not want to live like this anymore. It is time to quit living a half-life. I am sick of it.
I’ve taken Xanax now for a couple of days and can’t keep my eyes open. I think I will go to PRN on it, which means taking it only when I need it. I’m scared to try to do any course work for fear that it won’t make sense. SO I will wait another day on it and see how I feel.
My oldest had to come back and get her Microbiology for Dummies book as she started her Micro class Wednesday. SO I took her out to lunch and we had a pretty good visit. She’s already headed back to class so it was a short visit. But all right.
I think I will go to sleep until my youngest comes home then go to the grocery store. I can’t keep my eyes open another second. GOod bye.
So I went to yoga class for the first time today. I felt like I was doing really well until we had to lie on our backs and the roll up into a sitting up position. I really tried. I got stuck less than halfway up and just held it there for a little bit stretching my legs like she told us. I finally rolled over and pushed myself up when that particular exercise was over. But that was the only thing I really could not do–my big ol’ gut was just in the way. And I rediscovered my hate for plate mirrors watching myself do things. But I got through it with a minimum of soreness that was gone after we did the last relaxation exercise. I came home, showered, washed my hair, and ate lunch.
I also signed up for my nonfiction class this morning before going to yoga. We’ll be doing five essays, two long and three short and seeing how that goes. Along with a lot fo reading. Which is fine. THat’s what I bought the books for. WE had to write an introductory bit about ourselves, and I noted again how inclined I am toward brevity because of my newspaper work. I’m going to need to work on that in this class, I think. But that’s what I’m doing it for–to learn how to improve.
WEnt to church tonight and noticed again how low my anxiety was compared to when I walked into last Wednesday. SO that was a good feeling. All in all a good day. Hope that many more like it will follow.
SO everyone has given me hope the past couple of days. I saw my therapist yesterday and got some really concrete advice: get outside and exercise, try yoga as an exercise option, use prayer in whatever way helps alleviate the anxiety, and see my doctor to see if he could recommend a change in medicine. SO I went to see my psychiatrist today, and he gave me new prescriptions for Lexapro to help boost the Pristiq, and added Xanax for the anxiety. A low dose to keep me on an even keel. So that is now three drugs I am taking in the place ere of the one drug Ability which my insurance will not pay for. So in one way it is kind of dreadful to be on so many medications, but in another it’s good to know that there is a plan in place.
I also went and signed up for a class that is combination Yoga and Pilates. I called around yesterday to the various health clubs and found one that offers a class in the morning on Wednesdays so I signed up for a club membership and will start off going to that once a week. Hopefully it will help with the anxiety and the weight gain and help alleviate that. That is the plan so far. Maybe after a while I can add in some elliptical work that will be no- or low-impact on my foot.
And I start classes at the university tomorrow morning as well, so that will tie up some of my excess mental energy as well. I am looking forward to it in that it is a nonfiction workshop and hopefully I can work on my book about being bipolar while in it. Depends on how she structures the class. I am so looking forward to starting it tomorrow.
So as always, there is hope no matter how hopeless you feel things are. Pray and get strength from God. Get help from your treatment team and your support network. Don’t let it go on without end. Know that there is a way you can cope.