Almost Giving Up

Had a major anxiety storm in my brain early last evening.  I focused on the statement “I cannot cope with this any longer.  I am a failure as a person.”  I thought of everything we have coming up in our lives very soon and despaired of myself being able to handle it all.  As I said yesterday, I slept part of the day away and felt horrible for it.   I just kept piling self-loathing onto self-loathing until it became overwhelming.  Then I realized I had to cook supper. I went and took a Xanax because I could not get my brain to stop spinning around those two statements.

I know all the conventional answers.  I can do all things through Christ Jesus.  I am more than an overcomer through Christ. But those don’t feel real in my life right now.  I know I have no control over the many things that worry me.  But they worry me just the same. I’m trying to pray over everything that comes up in my mind before I expend the energy to worry about it and that was working for me until this last episode.

I do feel like a failure.  I do know that I cannot cope with this disease alone.  I know I am not coping with this disease alone.  But it certainly does feel like it at times. Like the title says I am almost giving up.  But is there something I need to give up?  My desperate need for control in my life?  Maybe I do need to give that up.  All I can realistically control is myself.  But bipolar disorder has taken that ability away from me, it feels like. And that’s what scares me the most, I think–that I’ll lose control of myself again in some way.

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