Had a major anxiety storm in my brain early last evening. I focused on the statement “I cannot cope with this any longer. I am a failure as a person.” I thought of everything we have coming up in our lives very soon and despaired of myself being able to handle it all. As I said yesterday, I slept part of the day away and felt horrible for it. I just kept piling self-loathing onto self-loathing until it became overwhelming. Then I realized I had to cook supper. I went and took a Xanax because I could not get my brain to stop spinning around those two statements.
I know all the conventional answers. I can do all things through Christ Jesus. I am more than an overcomer through Christ. But those don’t feel real in my life right now. I know I have no control over the many things that worry me. But they worry me just the same. I’m trying to pray over everything that comes up in my mind before I expend the energy to worry about it and that was working for me until this last episode.
I do feel like a failure. I do know that I cannot cope with this disease alone. I know I am not coping with this disease alone. But it certainly does feel like it at times. Like the title says I am almost giving up. But is there something I need to give up? My desperate need for control in my life? Maybe I do need to give that up. All I can realistically control is myself. But bipolar disorder has taken that ability away from me, it feels like. And that’s what scares me the most, I think–that I’ll lose control of myself again in some way.