Stuck

So today was a nothing sort of day.  I turned in my reading response for school and will work on my essay tomorrow after gym class.  If I can stay awake.  I burned the cornbread for dinner and am just about ready to collapse into bed   But I’ve got a few hours before I get to that.  What else did I do today?  I took my youngest to piano and washed and dried two loads of clothes. I woke up early this morning with reflux and spent most of the day coughing on and off.  I looked at enough news to know who won the caucuses in Iowa.  I took a bath before cleaning up the house a little bit. The rest of the time I slept or listened to music.

I hate myself.

This attitude is not conducive to recovery.  I’m aware of this fact.  But I’m getting down to the point that it doesn’t really matter anymore.  All I can try to do is make sense out of it all and right now I’m just too tired.  I wrote a piece recently for Defying Shadows about 11 Small Victories over Depression.  And I mean I listed small ones–like getting up in the morning and staying awake to see the day.  But I can’t believe the message for myself right now.  I can’t see my way to doing anything much worth doing.

 

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