People are saying about what I thought they would about my essay–too much telling, not enough showing. I already know of several things I can do to revise it for my final draft to turn in for my final exam. So I’m not too upset or surprised. It just took SO LONG for anyone to respond to it in my mind. I was just waiting for instant feedback.
I’ve been reorganizing my closet today–I still have some laundry to do but to reward myself for losing some weight and knowing I needed nice spring stuff, I went shopping and got an azalea-pink jacket-and-dress combo and three blue, white, and yellow shirts and pants to mix and match. I love them.
I took out what did not fit anymore and will pass it along to a mission house I know of. If I can ever get all the outgrown clothes together, I can make a nice donation. I have to do it by summertime so my laundry room can be painted when my kitchen is. I’m looking forward to that as well
Hope everyone has a good rest of the week. To God be the glory.
Lunch with my sister-in-law went well. We had a good talk where she said she wanted nothing but the best for me and for me to be happy, whatever it took for that to happen, she hoped I found it. She accepted my apology and said we might never be best friends, but she hoped we could do better than we had in the past. I said that was my goal as well. So I’m not sure what practical difference it will have in our lives, but hopefully it will end this veiled sniping at each other we’ve been doing for years.
I felt like I got in trouble again at workshop this week. Our professor sent out an email to the entire group that she thought our comments on submissions were too focused on personal issues that came up in the submissions and not on interests of craft. It’s a class in nonfiction writing and has inspired some pretty confessional essays on all of our parts. Well, I was the only one that had commented on any of the pieces up for workshop that includes one of my own. And I had been a little gushy because the subject matter was SO personal and brave to share. I wanted to let the writer know how the words had affected me. I’m only human. WEll, I felt kicked in the teeth. I wrote the professor and said I would change the critique to remove the personal comments and would try to do better in the future and went to bed.
This morning I got an email from the professor that she realized it looked like she was singling me out and that was not her intent. She felt badly about sending it. She said I was not the only one making these kinds of personal remarks. So she sends out a email to the group saying she was not singling anyone out which made me feel better. But I was totally embarrassed by the whole thing. ANd now it looks like the whole class is, too, because I m still the only one who has commented on the workshop pieces. I hope some comments some in soon.
So it’s been kind of an emotional day for me. But I’ve held up pretty well. Last time I had workshop I wound up in the hospital before the week was out. I think that was coincidental. Correlation does not mean causation and all that jazz. So we will see.
I have another essay up for workshop in my nonfiction class this week. I keep checking online to see if anyone has commented yet. I already know some things I will do to revise the essay, but I need suggestions for others. This one is about being in the mental ward, what it is like. I’m afraid people will find the entire experience mundane–nothing terribly dramatic has happened to me while I’ve been in them. That’s part of the point of the essay–to destigmatize that label of mental illness and show that it’s treated in an enlightened and humane fashion now. So that is what is going on in my life today.
We were going to have another computer installed today to replace our desktop that my husband uses. Ever since we had an electrical outage, it wouldn’t log on to the internet. My oldest daughter said twice it could be that the Wi-Fi connector might have been fried. Turned out that the computer representative was an ethical sort and he tested that theory before taking down the old computer. A new Wi-Fi stick and the thing worked like a charm. So he called my husband and told him. So glad he did.
Everyone goes back to school tomorrow from Easter Break. My oldest left this afternoon and my other two go back to their local schools. I go to lunch with my sister-in-law and try to resolve the pain that has been between us ever since I came into the family. So pray for me as I try and do that tomorrow.
So everyone is home except Bob for the holiday. The youngest is painting on her project for Classroom City, and the oldest two are doing homework. I am checking up with my class and making sure I am staying up in the conversations I had a nice feeling about one conversation; the professor in her comments picked up on something I said and said it was a good suggestion for revision for the person whose essay we were critiquing. So that kind of made me feel good.
I’m sleepy today. I stayed in bed until 9 this morning but still want to lie down and rest some more. But we’ve got more to do today so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to. WE will see.
I;m probably sleepy because I took a Xanax this morning. I knew we would be busy and didn’t know how I would handle all three of them going in different directions. But it seems all right so far–we haven’t had arguments and that sort of thing. So that is a plus so far.
My mood is good today, which is also a plus. I feel very optimistic about the weekend and everything that is going on. I wish we could have seen our way to going to my mom’s Saturday, but BOb went ahead and made plans with the kids before I realized what Saturday he was discussing doing these things. Plus I don’t think he wanted to go to the trouble of seeing my folks only for Daddy to cut him out. So we will see how it all turns out.
The revival meetings at our church have made me too busy to write yesterday. Going to church every night has been fun. It’s been a long time since I have done this.
THe messages have really had an impact on me. WE had one on forgiveness where I was convicted to ask people I had offended in the past to forgive me for my behavior. Yesterday I called up a woman I had had a falling out with professionally years ago and asked her to forgive my behavior n the incident. She said she did. Very short conversation because she was under deadline for her newspaper. But I did what I was supposed to do and tried to be honest about it. I next need to talk to my in-laws about my behavior while I was dating Bob and ask their forgiveness. I’m going to need to be in prayer about that for what I need to say.
I also realized that in trying to regain control over my bipolar symptoms that I had made the mistake of trying to live without being in total reliance on God. I was trying to be TOO independent. SO I have had to repent of that, too. It is such and issue for me because I was taught to always be independent and not be under control of or dependent on anyone. Its roots go back a long way in my life. But I am trying to live more mindful of what God wants me to do instead of what I want to do.
So that is where I am at right now. Very interesting time in my life. Hope Everyone is heading into Easter weekend more mindful fo the things of the Lord and of celebrating his resurrection.
I woke up good this morning again–I kept up with my youngest one until she went to wait for the bus and have stayed awake all morning. The cleaning crew came again and we are back on a regular schedule. I finished up my schoolwork for the week and can now relax from that since my essay that was due next week I’ve already turned in. We will see how it goes.
Our church is having a revival this week and so far I’ve been to all the services. My youngest wants to go back tonight, but they ran so late last night we’re unsure about her going again because it gets her to bed too late. I’ll probably go regardless unless Bob’s back is still cutting out on him. Then I will need to stay home and help him. Last night was about repentance and I had to pray that again, I will stop trying to take control of my life from GOd and let him be in control I am so used to fighting for my independence and being proud of keeping my life under control myself. I really need to pray that God is controlling me and not myself in my own strength.
I have a teleconference in thirty minutes for advising for summer and fall semesters. I plan to take a literature course this summer and a forms course this fall. I’m going to be progressing at a snail’s pace through this but It’s the only way I know to be safe in doing it. I’ll be the eternal student in this program since so many people will finish in two years or four. But that’s okay . I don’t’ need to work until I have a few more years of stability under my belt anyway. Get used to being in remission and feeling well.
Hope everyone is having a good week. I am! Keep reading!
And have been all morning! I didn’t go back to sleep after everyone left this morning for the first time in I don’t know how long. I’ve been awake and working on school stuff all morning, doing my reading and responding to different posts and doing laundry and successfully grocery shopping. I feel so good right now. I know God is with me and healing me–I prayed a really strange prayer last night and I’m not sure what led me to it. I said, “God, if you want me to sleep in the mornings, I’ll sleep and if you want me awake, I’ll be awake”. And I think today was my answer. At least for today.
I read a really profound essay this weekend called “Scrambled Eggs”. It’s about a woman with a traumatic brain injury and how she struggles to maintain her day to day life. I could so identify with her. It was scary. She wrote a line that describes what it’s like to live with a brain disorder of any kind– “going down the highway of life with three tires on four wheels”. She illustrated her life be describing what it was like to try to cook a meal in her current state. I really did think she did a good job showing the limitations she lives under in trying to go about her life. I just want to keep improving on the Abilify and my other meds and try to get back into remission like I was. I hope I can live under God’s grace in that.