Memory

I was way into the day yesterday before someone posted on facebook about it being the Hurricane Katrina  anniversary.  I was very glad I had forgotten it and was able to have a good day regardless.  (Check the archives to see how deeply the hurricane affected me when it happened).

I wrote another little bit related to my “Trade-In” piece.  I don’t know if it is growing into something bigger or what.  I don’t know if I want it to or not.  I’m comfortable right now doing short little pieces and don’t know if I need to think about doing something longer.   I’m feeling my way along without a map right now, and that feels right somehow.  WE will see.

I see my psychiatrist Thursday and my therapist next Tuesday. I am going to see if I can talk Dr. Bishop into giving me a larger dose of Abilify and see if that helps get me back into remission.  It’s worth a  try right now,  I think.  Anything is worth a try to try to get better.

 

Good Working Day

I’ve been working this morning.  I turned in my assignment for this week for class already and have already gone grocery shopping as well.  I feel much better than last week and thank all of you for thinking about me.

I got a nice little ego boost–I had sent my short piece “Trade-In” to my professor to get her opinion and she had unreserved praise for it.  Her only critique was to make it even more compact and make every word earn its place in it. So I’ve done a little tightening on it and am glad I sent it to her.   Now I’m wondering if  I could do more with it–make it part of a longer  piece.  It would be hard to write but an interesting exercise.  So I am thinking about that this morning.  I’m not sure I’m brave enough to write more like it.   We will see.

I’m also working on a series of prose poems–what comes to mind when I listen to certain albums/artists.  I’ve only done two but think they’re all right. So we will see how that goes.  I’d ultimately like a poem on each artist/album represented in our music collection.  But that’s a  LOT of music to listen to.

Busy week ahead–doctor appointment Thursday and that will be an all morning affair. Just the usual stuff.  But we will see how it goes.  Saturday we’re going to the first State game.  My middle one is playing with the band and we have to get there by 6:30 a.m.  Sheesh.  But I think it will still be a fun day.  Any day at Mississippi State is a fun day. 🙂

 

How Many Ways Can I Say Lazy?

I dropped off my youngest at school, came home, went to bed at 7:50, and just now got back up.  So I have nothing to write about, nothing to say today, nothing at all.  I wonder how I got this way.  I can’t even figure out what to fix for dinner tonight.  I can’t think of anything.  My mind is a blank.  I need to get in gear and take care of myself and my family. But something is keeping me from that.  And I don’t know what I can do about it.

I don’t remember that last time I felt this close to actual despair.  I’m not suicidal, but I’m just so totally down. I feel incapable today.  I’ve already done the biggest  part of my assignment for  class, but I still have to comment on other people’s contributions and I can’t think of anything to say.  At all.  I feel mute.

 

Stuffed

Went to lunch with Jo today and overate.  But we had fun talking and catching up on each other’s lives.  Her more than me–she is always busy doing something and with me, not much changes.  But we have good rapport and talked for a while about various and sundry.

Checked my classes and we already have a reading assignment due Sunday.  I read the essay and will likely complete the assignment tomorrow while the kids are at school.  I am too fat and sleepy to do it right now.

I feel too fat and sleepy to do much of anything right now. I wish I could get more energy to do things.  I know my doctor doesn’t like when I’m too energized, but not being able to do even simple things is a huge drag.  It makes me feel weak and incapable.  Evne typing this right now is taking a huge amount of effort.  Even though I’m not saying very much.  I hope this is not a precursor to where this time period is heading.

 

 

A Little Better Today

SO I don’t feel nearly as anxious this afternoon as I was earlier this week.  I’ve been lazier.  Not gotten as much accomplished.  But I at least don’t feel so upset and nervous.

CLasses start tomorrow.  Hope my textbooks get here soon.  At least one is on its way. I just need it to get here before Labor Day.

I gave up on my little  storm story.  The character just wasn’t holding my interest.  SO I deleted that and am now waiting on the next inspiration to strike.

Sorry to mot have much to day today.  Maybe I will be more inspirational next time.  Have a good rest of the week!

 

Blah

I am having an odd thing happen to me.  When I wake up, I feel confident that the day  will be a good day.  THat feeling evaporates as the day goes by, no matter what objectively happens.  I had a wonderful lunch with a friend today but I still feel awful now that I am back home.  It’s been going on t he past few days, and  I’m not sure why. I’m waking up better and not sleeping in, but as the day goes by I feel increasingly nervous and tired.  I don’t have a lot going on, so I don’t think it has anything to do with what actually happens in my day–but it’s just an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that grows throughout the day.

I just don’t know what to do.  I guess I could take Xanax late in the day and see what that does.  WE will see.

 

Internet Problems

Could not connect this morning.  But it’s been resolved and I am back online.  I was starting to wonder if I was going to have to call the internet people again.  But it’s been solved, which is good.

Got a  lot of irons in the fire this week.  Today my new oven should come and be installed.  TOmorrow I have lunch with Kim, Wednesday I have a conference at school for my youngest’s dyslexia ruling,  Thursday I have lunch with Jo, and Friday lunch with Marlo.  So it’s a full week already and I may add more to that before we’re done.  My middle one has allergy shots I think Tuesday this week and next instead of Wednesday.  I will have to see.

Good news on the mental health front–I have not had to have Xanax in about two weeks now–once the kids got settled into school, I started feeling a lot better.  So maybe the meds are finally working themselves out to help me get back to where I need to be.

Please pray–I am   looking at volunteering to teach my Sunday School class. Our teacher “retired” from the position last week, so they are looking for someone.  I called the minister of education yesterday and put the bug in his ear, and he said he would call me back and set up a time where we could meet and talk about it.  So that sounded hopeful.  I am going to try to make it as low stress as possible on myself, so I hope it will become  collaborative learning environment instead of my just lecturing for a 30 minute period.    I want to involve other people in helping run different aspects.

So classes start Thursday and I will get going on Forms in Nonfiction. I am looking forward to that very much.  I have my same professor from last semester, Mary Miller.  So that will   be nice as well–I’m already familiar with her style and how she teaches.

A lot of things going on .  But in a good way.

 

Really Good Things

I wrote a little more last night on a fragment that may become a Baton Rouge flood story.  I’m just feeling my way along trying not to plan it but to let it happen in the moment.

I’m awake this morning. I got a coke yesterday afternoon and saved it until this morning.  So maybe I can accomplish more in the day.  Looking forward to going to the MS Book Festival tomorrow with two friends–over 100 authors doing panels, signing books, and doing book related things.  It’s really going to be cool.

I just feel really up this morning. It’s a nice change from where I have been, so tired and sleepy.  I don’t think people realize how draining mental illness is.  You have to constantly monitor yourself for breakout symptoms and you can’t ever get away from it–it’s inside your head.

I went for a change this morning–I’m listening to Duran Duran and will see where that vibe takes me in my writing.  WE will see.

Another Tidbit

And I wrote another flash fiction tidbit yesterday that I worked and pared down to 499 words so it would be truly short and still tell the whole story.  It’s amazing what you can accomplish in so few words when you really understand the story you are telling.  Don’t know if I will write more today–I’d like to go the whole week having written something every day since I finally broke through.  I don’t want to lose momentum.

I am trying to stay awake–I don’t have a lot to do today but still need to do it. But I am so tired.  None of my usual tricks are helping me.  I need to get out and run some errands but I don’t want to leave the house.  I just want to stay here and stay busy.  I’ve got some things going next week to get me out of the house, so that is good.

I have a friend who asked me about starting a blog last night at church.  We talked for a while.  She’s a writer from the PR side of things and is very very good at what she did but she is retired now and wants to still write but has grandkids and all of those sorts of obligations.  She also asked me to keep her updated on how I am doing in the MFA program because she’s interested in that as well.  So we had a good chat last night about what blogging entails, the best platform, how to get started, etc.  I hope she does it.

Well, I hope everyone has a good rest of the week.

Writing as Therapy

So yesterday I finally wrote a little flash fiction piece–the first new fiction I’d written since probably 2010.  I feel like I finally broke through something that had been holding me back for a long time–the need for perfection and the accompanying fear of failure.   I put it in a file I labeled Trash and just gave myself permission to write whatever came out.  I named it Trade-in and filed it away to look at again later.  I’ve already got a new idea/image floating about in my mind for another little piece, so I will see what I can do with that later on.  Having done it makes me feel successful in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.

My oldest is cleaning her car and packing her stuff getting ready to leave Saturday.   She can be industrious and work hard when she feels like it. Kind of like me :).  I need to start laundry but I am so tired this morning.  So we will see how that goes.