Dear Younger Julie

I know you’re in pain.  I know you feel like nobody likes you right now.  I know you have hopes and aspirations that seem unreasonable.  I know you feel like a nothing and a nobody and that people are telling you that you will never amount to anything because you’re a girl, you’re a Liddell, you’re a Vowell, you’re white trash, you’re not smart enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re just not enough of anything and you’ll never get anywhere in life.   

But you’re going to prove them all wrong.  You’re going to find the man you’re going to marry right off the bat in college and while it’s not going to be easy, you’re going to discover the love of your life.  His name is Bob Whitehead and he’s waiting to meet you.  He’s going to love you more than you can ever understand, more than anyone else could ever love you.  Don’t worry about finding love—it will find you.

You will develop some friends that will last you a lifetime.  Lorie McClure is going to be your friend forever, just like she is now.  You’re going to meet others. Stefanie, Mike, Rob, Mary Jane, KT, Marlo, Jo, Holly, Candy. They all will be your friends to the ends of the earth.  They will support and be good to you in ways you can’t even imagine.  

You know how you want to write for the news?  You will one day.  You’re going to do journalism for ten years and love every second of it.  You will be published.  People back home are going to read your articles and be proud to say they know you.  And you’ll do more than that.  You’re going to write plays, short stories, and articles that people want to read and be a part of.  You’re going to win awards.  You’re going to touch people’s lives with your writing in ways you can’t even imagine now.  Your words are going to help people who are having a very rough time of it all over the world. 

You know how you’re scared to have kids?  You’re going to be a wonderful mom. You’re going to raise three girls who love God and who know how to take care of themselves.  Where you can’t help them, you’ll find someone that will.  You’ll be their head cheerleader, their advocate, their encourager.  They’re going to be as proud of you as you are of them—because you’re going to teach them resilience and courage in the face of problems. 

You’re going to do all this in spite of your vision problems, your depression, your low self-esteem.   You’re going to overcome all that and make a life that people will envy. You’re going to prove that you can do anything through Christ Jesus who strengthens you.  You’re going to develop a work ethic that will serve you well.  You’re going to develop the ability to bounce back from rejection.  You’re going to influence lives through teaching, writing, mentoring, and loving other people.  You’re going to be able to talk about miracles of healing in your own life. 

The only thing you will learn that you really need is God.  One day you’re going to learn that he loves you so much. It will take a lot for him to get your attention, but be thankful that he does.  He’s going to open doors for you that you can’t see in such a miraculous way that you will know that he’s there with you.  He’s going to protect you and shelter you from yourself.  You don’t d’s to be afraid of him.  He loves you and will always be with you as he’s promised in John 16.  Rest in that, not in the peace that the world gives, but in the peace he promises.       

Don’t give up on life.  God’s going to do all this and more.  Hang in there, honey.  Hope is on the way.



Good Sermon Tonight

Went to church tonight and had a good sermon about where is God in the detours of your life.  I felt like it applied to me since I’ve wondered if my whole life didn’t go on detour when I was diagnosed bipolar.  I wrote in an essay this week that I could divide my life into two periods, before my third child and after my third child.  So it was a good sermon for me to listen to and try to take to heart.

I’m still getting rejections back but ti’s all on older pieces I’ve sent out-I’m not hearing anything yet about my new pieces I’ve written the past couple of months.  So I am hoping for good news on that front in October and November.  We will see what happens.


Inner Child

So my therapist says I am dealing with a damaged inner child when I have the obsessions.  I think like a lovestruck teenager when they hit, and I need to learn to think like an adult when they do strike.  SO that makes sense.  I certainly FEEL like I’m back in junior high when they hit.  So she said we need to work on growing that inner child up into an adult so I won’t be vulnerable to such thinking.

What I’m afraid of is that being scared of interacting with men for fear I’ll get obsessed will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  It’ll be on my mind, making me more likely to get hung up in it.  SO that is a worry.

Anyway. FOr now they are gone so I will rejoice and be glad in that.


Lunch Out

Met my friend Marlo today.  WE met at Drago’s in Jackson and had the best time just talking shop.  WE talked about our current projects and had just a good time exchanging news about everything.

I hope I can keep up the momentum of the blog for another year.  I’ve been doing it now two years and I’m not positive I’m accomplishing what I wanted to when I started it.    I want to get to 10,000 views and 5,000 visitors then start trying to market it and the book that goes with it.  I’m hoping another year will get me to that goal.  I’m discovering that I want ot write about more than just bipolar disorder now that my fiction has opened up and started flowing.  Maybe I just need time off from being so verbal about it.

I’ve gotten a lot of the book published elsewhere like on the group I guest blog for, Defying Shadows, so I think that may help in selling it as well.  I’m really hoping to get the lead story (Running Away From Home) published with a big print journal so I can show more than just at the other blog and my own blog.

For those wondering, I am still symptomatic in being sleepy most of the day (although that could be medication) and some breakthrough obsessions, but things are much better than they were even a few weeks ago.  I think adjusting the Abilify up had helped a great deal.


Sometimes I make New Year’s resolutions on my birthday.   I don’t know where I picked up the habit, but I do It occasionally.  Here are a few I’ve thought up yesterday:

Listen to more good music

Work on my writing every day

Eat if not less, then better

Stay awake more

Stay in touch with friends more

That’s a small start on a list.  I think it’s plenty to  work on in the coming year.  #herestofortysix


Feeling Proud Today

So not only is it my birthday, we got my middle daughter’s newest ACT score today–she made a 35 (perfect is 36). She fell down a little bit in math on this one but we will take the composite and run with it into the college applications process. Not only did she do well on this test, all her scores in her classes are 100 or better so far (she is taking so many college classes that it barely matters how she does in the regular ones).  She has worked so hard in everything she does–from school to band to dance to church work.  We are so proud of you, Little Bit.



Had a busy day today so late posting.  I interviewed my buddy Mike in Wisconsin today about his work in Holocaust Studies for a class project–I had to do a Q&A interview and did the best I could with it.   If I could go back in time and change several things, one of them would be to take Shorthand from Ms. Ethel Brunt at Ackerman High School.  But I managed the best I could with typing  a and I think it turned out well.  I need to clean it up and reformat it before Sunday.

Soon it will be the second anniversary of my blog–September 25 according to my posting.  I’m proud of what I have done with it.  I have some very loyal readers and others who drop by a little more than occasionally.  What I am trying to do is present a complete picture  of what it is like day to day to live with bipolar disorder.  It’s not as glamourous a life as it sounds, as most of you who read regularly can attest.  I have my ups and my downs.  Bt what I sincerely hope I hae done is somewhere out there, there is someone I have helped make it through the day because I documented how  I made it through the day that day.  That’s all I really want to do with my story at the moment.



I just found out one of the new girls in my MFA program is also bipolar.  She and I have been talking about various things today, sharing our stories.  SHe’s very open about it, like I am.  She’s doing a stage performance of a piece she wrote about it coming up soon in Oklahoma City, which is where she lives now.   So proud of people  standing up and talking about such an issue.

Otherwise, today has been pretty dead.  I have my interview with my buddy up in Madison WI for a class project I am doing tomorrow.  I hope  I don’t forget about it–but we have a plan in place if I do.  I have to interview someone in a Q&A format a la The Paris Review.   So I am going to interview him about becoming a Holocaust scholar.  I think it will be interesting.

I still don’t feel my best, but I am improving.  Thanks be to God.


Birthday Week

So on Thursday I turn 46.  Going out with friends Wednesday and Friday.  I’m looking forward to that.  Trying just to  stay awake today. It’s been difficult.

I’m still writing the small stories. I tried to make one come out somewhat happy but the longer the conversation went on between the two characters, the more south it went.  I finally realized what was going to happen when I realized there was no background noise of their five kids getting up out of bed.  It’s called  “Too Quiet”.

I’m feeling better in my mind.  I think I’m over my little spell from last week. I so want to stay well so I can enjoy the holiday  season. I am so hoping every thing can go well.

I think I’m gong to do my reading then then maybe go back to bed.  I am so tired.




So now I’m dealing with the mental fallout of mu little episode–I’m sleeping and I can’t organize my thoughts to do anything  coherent.  Going to the grocery store sent me into another little anxiety fit, especially when I got there and realized I didn’t have any checks.  I knew if I went home to get them I wouldn’t go back, so I just charged it.   I hate doing that.  So I got the minimum and will need to go back Monday and get the rest of it.  So.

I’m really scared I’ve ruined a friendship with what I’ve been writing.  I was talking to an old friend about what I was up to, and he said he’d be willing to look over it and tell me what he thought.  And now I haven’t heard from him for almost a week.  I know he’s busy and all, but I’m scared something I wrote just went too far for him.   And he doesn’t know how to react to it. So there is that to bug me.

I;m so tired but sleeping doesn’t make me feel better.  It just keeps the anxiety at bay.