I am much calmer today. I talked to my counselor yesterday and we spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I do this to myself. WE didn’t really come up with an answer, but we have some more appointments scheduled to work on it. Then I went to church and . heard a sermon on prayer that really calmed down my spirit. I went and told the pastor that, and he said the nicest thing to me. He said he knew my struggles (we had been in counseling with him once) and I was an inspiration to him in how I fought bipolar disorder, the fact that I didn’t give up. THat made me feel good inside.That’s all I want is to inspire somebody if I:m going to have this problem , for it to be used for good.
I do not know what to do with this frustration I am feeling. I feel like a failure in every department of my life. I cannot get past this. I do not know now if it is depression or mania. I don’t care which it is. I just want it to go away.
Fighting the obsessions again. THis is so maddening. I thought I was over this, Enough already, I think. When is it ever going to stop?
I can’t write, I can’t think, I can’t stay awake, I can’t accomplish ANYTHING on my class, with all this going through my head. I can’t get away from it. I can’t talk to anyone about it; it is just so frustrating. I tried to get in to my counselor and should see her tomorrow but that doesn’t help right now.
I;m going to try to finish my reading and pick my topic for discussion, then write up my discussion. Anything to get all of this calmed down in my head.
I DON”T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
So I went on a little exercise in self-hatred today–I went clothes shopping with my birthday money. I would have done better buying books or CD’s. I’m not knocking what I bought–a purple dress and a burgundy pantsuit. But I struggled to find my new size and had to put back some really pretty things. So that was depressing.
So that was most of my morning. I feel like going back to sleep,. I’m not sure that I won’t. It’s mu mom birthday so I need to call her. ANd I need to swap over laundry. This afternoon we start dance class so I will take the youngest one there.
I am so tired of the obsessions. I’m going back to my therapist Wednesday and talk through them again. WE will see.
I went to the grocery store, bought everything I needed for four meals, and came home without emotional drama. FInally something I have searched for for quite some time is here–peace. I don’t know what to put it down to except prayers for healing and the wonders of modern medicine.
Got the response on my essay for class. She loved it except for the lead paragraph. SO I need to work that over if I’m gong to send it out. But I don’t think I will. What I wrote about isn’t really something I want out in the wild just yet. I want to save it for my book. So we will see how that goes.
I’ve been stuck on listening to Duran Duran the past few days. I’m not sure why. But I’ve been enjoying their greatest-hits album I have and trying to inspire myself to write something new. I did write something completely new Tuesday that I’ve been revising on since. It’s a really dark piece inspired by the rejection I got that challenged me to explore NEW territory. So I came up with something I’ve not seen written about, fiction or nonfiction. So we will see what they think about it when I submit it next Monday.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
I got another more personal rejection, asking me to submit to the journal again. I’m trying to figure out what to send. I wrote a new bit for the journal I mentioned yesterday but don’t have anything else immediately ready. I could send something old but I feel led to try new things only from now on. So pray I get inspired again and do a new piece.
Had a good day today. I went and worked at the food pantry and then went to lunch with my mother-in-law. It was to celebrate my birthday early since she will be out of town when it actually comes around. WE ate at a new restaurant for me called the Half Shell Oyster House I had seafood pot pie, turnip greens, and cinnamon bun bread pudding. So good.
I haven’t had to take a Xanax now for a week. Hopefully the upped Abilify is having something to do with that. I feel so much better than I have been being. I’m excited that I might be turning the corner on this thing and be headed to a better place. Going to therapy was good–writing new stories was good. I just feel in a really good place now. Hopefully I can stay here.
Believe it or not, the title of today’s post is a positive thing in the writing world. It means someone took the time to write a note about why they rejected your piece. This note was about my new piece called “Hot Lead” about a woman who was being abused. It was flash fiction so very short. The editor said he loved the writing but that it ended predictably. So I asked if I could submit something else or had the deadline passed? (Because I have so many submissions going, I can’t remember that kind of thing). He said they would reopen for submissions September 12, so I have that long to write something new. I have an idea, so we will see how this goes.
The middle one visited her college of second choice, and I think it may be out of the running. She liked the recruiter that toured them around, but she met with the Honor College head and was not impressed with her or with the program. THen she met the band director who basically told her she would have a hard time breaking into the drumline because it was mostly percussion majors who played with the band. She liked the engineering college people also. So I’m not sure what she is going to do.
So I went to therapy today and discussed my obsessions, Again. They are better since I’ve started the higher dose of ABilify. But I did talk them through and I think got some more insight as to why they came up again. We think it had to do with the Katrina anniversary since that is when they really went into panic mode.
I read her my new short story, which she said was “gripping” and “sounded authentic”. And I wrote a body image essay for nonfiction this morning that included Bob finding out about my obsessions. I sent it to my professor to see what she thought before I turned it in. So we will see how that goes.
Someone is still reading me–I had fifty-four views yesterday and have 25 today so far. I’m not sure what is up with my stats, but if it all helps give someone hope, that’s all I need to know.
THe middle daughter is at Auburn trying to see what she likes about the campus and the programs. She takes the ACT again this weekend and hopefully will take it while finally being fully well–no bronchitis, flu, or allergies. So we are hoping for great things. 🙂
I need to do my reading for class. And I need to work through laundry. We will see how today goes. I’m feeling better having gone to therapy and gotten some insight. THat is what I pay her the big bucks for. Hope everyone has a great start to the fall season!
I’ve thought more and more about taking my little “Trade-In” fragment and turning it into a longer work. I have a plot line laid out in my head, but I need courage to work on it. I’m so unselfconfident right now. I think I will develop it some more in my head before I try to write anything else down. I’m trying not to get my hopes up that it will turn into something more interesting than what I have so far.
Someone has discovered me–I had 57 views yesterday, the most I:ve had for a while. So we will see if they keep reading today.
I’m feeling much better with the increased Abilify. The obsessions have eased down considerably and I’m feeling more alert. Maybe I’m turning a corner here. THat would be nice.
I’m getting somewhat more done in the house and thinking more about expanding my story I’m working on. And I’m still lying down some but not for as long. So we will see what the rest of the day holds.
I may as well admit it–the obsessions are coming back. I go to therapy next week and will just grit my teeth and bear with them until then, I suppose. I don’t; know what to beside try to distract myself and not think about them. I wish we could go to the game tonight at Brandon, but if we do we won’t get to go to State tomorrow so that is the tradeoff. But this obsessing is driving me nuts. I just want to go to sleep and get away from them for a while.