I finally got out of bed at 12:30 this afternoon. Just in time to see Bob come in and talk to him for a bit. I’m eating some lunch now and wondering what I’m going to do the rest of the day. I;ve already done my reading for school and need to work up my response to it. I think I can have fun with it–it’s about book reviews and I will write about my experience doing them for ten years.
I miss those days.
Now I can hardly bring myself to read at all outside of class. I’m not sure why. I’d rather sleep than read.
SO I slept in this morning before going to therapy. I just didn’t want to do anything at all. But I did have a good session. I talked about how angry Bob had made me so she had me map out a way to talk to him about it that wasn’t accusing him of anything, just asking for his reasoning. So I called him from leaving therapy and asked if he could wait for me to get home and us to talk before he went back to work from Iunch,. So we did.
I got him to say that if I went on the Atlanta trip and didn’t have problems that I could go to Columbus for school . But he also said that if by February I wasn’t doing a lot better, he wouldn’t make me go on the Atlanta trip. SO we will just pray that I keep improving and know that there is a plan in case something goes wrong.
I have an appointment with the adult Sunday School pastor and a counselor about setting up a LifeGroup for women dealing with mental illness on Tuesday. SO we will see how that goes.
I don’t want to be a writer today. I just feel horrid about it. Why am I even bothering? Every time I think I have this rejection thing down pat, along comes one that just knocks me off my feet. I think I’ve gotten four rejections this week. I’ve lost count. Maybe it’s the number I am getting rather than the quality of them. I don’t know. All I know if that I’m tired of trying right now and I don’t know what else to do with myself.
So now I am signed up to chaperone a school trip to Atlanta next year. I hate this. Bob talked me into it by talking about how his mother wanted to go because she had done this same trip with the other two girls. But she didn’t want to interfere if I was going to go. And she can’t handle the walking they’re going to be doing–her knee is too weak. So now I have to go. He asked me later if I felt bullied into going and I said pressured was a better word. So at least he’s aware of what he’s done. He’d BETTER not complain when I go to the full residency this spring for school.
Went to lunch with Mary Jane and she came down my way this time. We ate at Friends and she loved it. Afterwards we went to a couple of the shops downtown–a used bookstore and a consignment shop. We jut had a good time talking about her trips and about my writing. We always have a good time when we get together.
I feel good today. We don’t have to do so much running around–the middle one is skipping her allergy shot since she has a sinus infection so that will make this afternoon easier. I have laundry to do later but that will be fine as well. My response to the weeks reading is going over well, so I feel good about what I was able to accomplish with that.
So after getting reads from a couple of people in my creative writing program, I sent off my article to the BIG magazine and will wait and see what happens to it. I would so love the exposure for the blog and for my story to try to help other people. We will see what happens. I can think of lots of other stories they could hear that might be more appealing, but I think mental health is a big topic that doesn’t get enough attention. I hope I can bring some to it through this article. We will see.
Seems like it’s going to be a long day today. I am sleepy but not sleepy enough to actually take a nap. I need to do my work for my class and should get to it after I finish here. But I might jut goof off today after doing all the running around yesterday. I haven’t decided.
The kids are out of school, but we’re not slowing down. The middle one had a doctor’s appointment this morning for her sinus infection, and the oldest has an appointment this afternoon for her jaw pain she’s had since Thursday. So we are running around.
Building a good relationship with your pharmacy is important in any mental illness. I was shorted pills last month when I refilled my Buspar. I found out when I ran out today, and they took me at my word when I called it in. Twelve years of medication compliance paid off.
WE were all sick yesterday–assorted complaints throughout the family. SO we laid around and watched TV all day. I feel better today so that is good.
I have a big chance to publish a piece with a BIG magazine that I hope to take advantage of. I’ve asked one of my professors to read my rough draft and help me make cuts, transitions, etc. I’m really hoping I can come through with a good essay and get published in a wide audience.
SO I’ve met my tutoring student Lillie–she seems to be a very sweet young lady so far. We’re doing diagnostic writing today. Had our wires crossed about meeting up this morning but finally got together about 9: 20 a.m.
My oldest is having mouth problems. She went to her dentist yesterday and they said there was nothing wrong with her teeth so they are sending her to an oral surgeon Monday. Thank goodness she already has that day off.
I’m doing pretty well so far. I stayed in bed for a little while but never really slept so I could get to tutoring on time.
I found out I won’t be able to teach the SUnday School class I wanted because it’s co-ed. They follow the principle in the Bible that older women should instruct younger women, so we talked about a class for people with mental disorders such as bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc. We also talked about the possibility of using me to write curriculum for churchwide Bible study, and that sounds interesting as well.
So we will see what God has n store.
I spent last night tossing and turning but am surprisingly awake this morning. I have something to get out of bed for, which is my meeting to see if I will wind up teaching my adult Sunday School class. SO I am excited and full of plans to discuss that. We will see how it goes.
I’ve done the rest of Bob’s laundry already and am trying to get up the courage to work on mine. I still need to sort my spring clothes away and get my fall ones arranged. That may be a good way to use my time before my meeting today. I will need to think about that.
I think I am going to do part of my bipolar story as my final project in Forms of Nonfiction. I have a bit in mind–the one I plan to open the thesis with about me running away from home. I’ve sent it to three journals and have had it turned down, so I will try to make it better and try sending it out again after that.
All the new kids to the program are stressing out. I think most of them bit off more than they could chew this first semester. I tried to encourage them and hope I succeeded. SO pray for them.
I don’t know what to say today. My day was really, really empty. I spent most of it in the bed. I did get my husband’s laundry done and did get to my daughter’s shot visit–I woke up, looked at the clock, and shot out of bed.
On the plus side, I do have a talk scheduled with the minister in charge of Sunday School classes tomorrow at 9:30 a.m. to see if I can teach our Sunday School class at least for a . while. That has been a long time coming. So please pray that if it is part of God’s plan, let it happen
I so want to be a voice of hope for my readers. I don’t know if I am accomplishing that. I am trying to think of what else I can say here. I may start exploring more of my diagnosis and what the various ones mean in my life, I not only carry a diagnosis of bipolar disorder but of Borderline Personality DIsorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. BPD is particularly poorly understood–I may write a bit on that in the coming days.
Let me know in the comments if there is anything you need me to talk about.
I feel very lonely today. I’ve talked to a couple of friends today but they were short conversations because my friends tend to be busy people. I went out by myself for lunch since I didn’t really buy myself lunch stuff when I went to the grocery store. I had potato soup and an ice cream and brownie dessert.
Now I’m waiting for Bob to get home for lunch. I really just want to curl up on the couch or somewhere equivalent and go to sleep. I need to do my response to this week’s reading soon but I’m just too tired to focus on it right now. I don’t know if it’s the meds or the weird dreams I’ve been having lately but I’m not sleeping well when I do sleep.
I just don’t know. I’m on the verge of feeling helpless again but I’m not sure why. Bob’s worried about me, says I’m much more anxious than usual this time of year. I don’t know why. I need some good news from somewhere–all I’m hearing about lately is people dying and others going to funerals.