Archive | March 2018

Day Off

So today I have been home from my program since my daughter was off school.  It took me a long time to get going today–I slept and slept and slept on and off until about 11:30 a.m.  I finally got up and did laundry then went and shopped with my daughter for a birthday present for my sister and for groceries for the weekend.  Everyone was shopping for groceries today–the parking lot was mobbed with only one lone parking spot available in the back. So we walked the long way to get in the store and to get back out with our groceries.  But we have meals for the weekend which is a good thing.

I finally broke down and got a Coke at the store because I am still sleepy and needed something to pep me up for the  afternoon. I just wish I didn’t feel so bad.  I still have work to do–I have to do a critique of a bit of writing for class and then read the reading for class over the weekend.  But I am having a hard time motivating myself to do any of it.  Suddenly it seems pointless to continue on with my degree.  I’m not sure why, but it does.

 

 

Again

Went back into treatment today and had a good day.  Nothing too intense–had an interesting yoga session with a fellow in the class that had never done anything like tht in his life before, so that was interesting to observe.  I can’t say much about what goes on in groups because of confidentiality rules, so you’re not going to hear much about that other than what I uncover if anything on a particular day.

I don’t go tomorrow because school is out for my youngest, so I will be taking care of her tomorrow. Hopefully she will let me sleep in some and then we can go shop for my sister a birthday present for this weekend. I looked at a gift shop yesterday and couldn’t find anything I really liked that I thought she would like.  So the youngest and I will shop tomorrow,

Got part of my schoolwork done last night and plan to finish the rest of it tonight at some point.  I’m not sending thing sout anymore because it takes a lot of time to look up new stuff to send to and I just don’t have that time right now.  So the streak is over and I will just have to see what comes of what I’ve been able to send out so far. My piece on the Texas disability site had finally gone live yesterday so that was nice to be able to announce.

I need to wake up–we did relaxation today and I am very sleepy.

 

 

Wednesday

So I went back to Psycamore today and that went well.  Saw my individual counselor and look forward to working with him on some of these issues that have come up.  It makes for a full day but not a hard day. I need to do my work for school but havent’ been able to see my way to doing it yet.  I am just so tired right now.

Waiting on my youngest to come home and see what her day was like.  Then we’ll go to church and see how that goes and see everybody.  I am looking forward to that.

I think I will just leave everything at that.  Hope everyone has a good rest of the week.

 

Psycamore

So I went to my outpatient program yesterday.  It did not start well with the orientation starting over half an hour late.  but we got into groups after that and it got better.  The “angry guy” (there’s always an angry guy) sucked most of the oxygen out of the room for one session, but the other two were more constructive.  So we will see how this goes today.

I am having a hard time getting started.  I have to go to the school and take care of something before I go to classes so I am trying to hurry through everything I have to do before I leave. So I think I will just end this here and talk more  tomorrow.

Mobile

Went to Mobile for the dance competition.  Our girls placed 5th and 3rd overall in their division, so that was nice.  It was a long day Saturday, but I handled it okay–I only thought once about blowing my brains out because I was so bored and tired.  I jumped on that thought and ran it out of my head pretty quickly.

I start going to Psychamore this morning and am looking forward to that.  I hope to get a lot of help out of it.  Otherwise there is no use.  It’s going to cost a mint that insurance won’t pay on at all.  So I hope to get as much out of it as we can afford.

Read my reading for the week while we were gone and have some good ideas for redoing Hurricane Baby from both it and the workshopping this week.  I think It will make the last half more taut and tense.  I still think I’m going to keep it a short story for now and will try to shop it around in its  new form some later on this year.  I’m not going to send more out until I get through with treatment because I will have limited time to get things done before going to class every day.

So we will see what happens.  Pray for me as I start this journey into treatment.

 

Workshop 2

So I had my second workshop this week with a video conference last night.  It went well–turns out that I’m being tripped up by the same things as usual–too much dialogue and not enough description.  So I am also conferencing with my professor this morning and seeing what can be done and interacting more with someone about it. So we will see how it goes.  I don’t know as I will rewrite it for my final project–I still have another exercise to do for class that may spark my interest.  We will see.

We go to Mobile this afternoon to get ready for another dance competition,.  This is the last travel one until this summer, I believe. So it will be nice to have my weekends back again.

I prayed last night that I would be able to get up and do this morning–have the energy to do what all needed to be done, etc.  So far I have gone and changed the oil in my car and will soon go and finish packing for the trip and finish up laundry.  So today has been much better than yesterday, which is also doing wonders for my self-esteem.  Makes me feel like a productive member of society again instead of a slug.

Hope everyone has a good weekend and a blessed Holy Week next week.  Thanks for continued prayers as I start Psychamore next week.

 

Success

I have loaded the washer with laundry.   That defines success the way I feel today.

I am just so dead.  I went to church last night and realized I’ve been living like only today matters–that there won’t be an eternity to live after I die.  That’s why I want escape–suicide, oblivion, sleep, whatever.

Maybe it’s because I can only manage if I only think about today.  Tomorrow and next year and eternity are too over whelming to handle at this point.  It’s all I can do to get through today.

Here’s to me getting through today.  That will be success enough.

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Dr. Bishop

So I went for my followup to Dr. Bishop. He decided to add in Lexapro like the doctor at the hospital did and cut my Pristiq to avoid Serotonin syndrome.  So we will see what happens. He said I did all the right things in going in and all.      He said that he was glad for my going to Psychamore’s program and hoped I would do well there.  He wants to see me back in a month so we set that up.

I still feel depressed.  Just not suicidal.  i want to crawl into bed and just stay.  But I can’t do that–too much to do, all of it good for me and my family.  I am just tired and sleepy and want to sleep some more.

Having lots of trouble staying on task with everything to do with class.  I don’t know how I’m  going to handle three more years of this.  Everyone will be sick of me by the time I finish  :).   And maybe I’ll be sick of writing by then too.  I hope not but I’m afraid of that

I need to eat lunch and fix dinner.  WIsh me well on continuing to recover.

 

 

Nashville

After I got out of the hospital last week, I had a couple of days to do laundry and get ready to go to Nashville with my oldest, my youngest, and Bob.  We stayed at the Opry Hotel and went to the Grand Ole Opry on  Friday and Saturday nights.  We kind of planned this trip to please our oldest since it will likely be her last Spring Break trip with us since hopefully she will be gainfully employed next year.  We had a good time and ate really good food at the hotel’s several restaurants.  It was relaxing and a great change of pace to get out of town and delay my return to full household duty this week.

Yesterday I went to a partial hospitalization program to be evaluated. THey called later and said they would accept me and I would start this coming Monday.  I’ve been through it before so I kind of know what to expect.  We will have groups most of the day with consultations with the doctor over it once a week and individual therapy once a week.  They think I’ll be in it full-time for five to seven weeks then three days a week for a while.  I think I may be in it for the rest of the semester with that kind of timeline.  I just hope  I can stay up with the demands of school, too, doing this.

Thanks for supporting the blog like you all do and keeping up with me even when I was out.  Thanks for your continued prayers and thoughts as I try this program.

Leaving

After I packed my clothes, I called Bob’s mom to ask her to come sit with Rachel until Bob got back.  My father-in-law answered and said she wasn’t home and didn’t have her cell phone with her.  I didn’t tell him what was going on, just said we would call back later.  

I packed my contacts and makeup, knowing to leave my meds and other valuables at home.  By then Bob was walking in to a hug from our youngest and asking me how I was doing.  I stayed strong and didn’t cry in front of my daughter.  We called Dr. Bishop’s office since it was still office hours for him, but the staff there told me to call the hospital directly.  I called the behavioral health unit and was told to go to the ER since they had closed assessments for the day.  Everywhere I turned it seemed I was being palmed off on someone else. 

We decided to just drop our daughter off at Bob’s parents’ house, and Bob called to tell his father we were on the way.  His father said that would be fine and wished me well at going into the hospital if that was what I needed to do. 

We went to St. Dominic’s with very little talk, mostly about logistics and who needed to be notified that I might be going inpatient again.  Again we landed in the ER, and again I was taken back to a windowless room with a wooden bed and a rubber mattress and asked to change into disposable scrubs. And again, I was evaluated by a doctor and a social worker and admitted to the intermediate ward and taken across the street in a bus to behavioral health.