I feel like ever since the sermon last night about going through a storm in your life, I have been locked in a spiritual battle. I couldn’t go to sleep last night so I prayed so hard until I finally did pass out. I know what I believe God’s will for my life is. I’m just impatient to start realizing it. I need to get small things published in order to get big things published. I need to write what God tells me to write, just like the prophets in the Bible did. But I feel stuck in a rut of a) self-determination and b) unbelief that I can’t get out of.
Old habits die hard. I’m used to pushing, moving, and shaking to make things happen in my life. This waiting is driving me straight up the wall. I prayed so hard last night for clarity–some kind of light in the darkness. It hasn’t come yet. I know everything I write here reaches somebody that needs to hear it. I am doing really, really well considering my diagnosis of bipolar disorder and my history of it. Maybe I should be satisfied with that.
But I’m so restless. And bored. And tired of feeling like a parasite. I want to somehow earn my way back into a productive life. I feel like God wouldn’t have given me the desire to do more if I didn’t have the ability and the fortitude to do it. But the impatience is starting to get the better of me. I’m scared that in my desire to do SOMETHING I’ll end up doing the wrong thing.
All this to say–pray for me. I need a breakthrough to confirm I’m on the right path, however winding it is. Or I might just lose faith in the path altogether. I don’t want to drop out of the Christian life. I want to do God’s will. But I need clarity of how to do it.
Not Quite Right 