So what did I figure out in therapy yesterday? We were talking in trauma group about childhood memories and I remembered something from just after my sister was born. I was ten or eleven, and I had am awful nightmare that I had been shot in the head–to the point that I felt I could feel blood running down my neck. I woke up terrified and ran back to my parents’ room and woke my daddy up and told him about it. My daddy let me climb in bed between him and my mom. For once in my life, when I was absolutely terrified, my daddy showed me some unconditional love and caring.
That set up a pattern for me when I was scared so badly that I didn’t know what to do–to find security in some man’s arms. And I have repeated this pattern over and over in my life and in my fiction. My daddy didn’t mean me any harm and nothing untoward happened to me that night. But I had never had the unconditional love of my parents shown to me before. It was always performance-based and demanding. I am so relieved to know what caused this in my life and want so desperately to break these bad patterns in my life that have caused so much grief. To have an understanding of where they came from is such a relief.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!