Bob and I talked about how I’m doing last night–the gist is that he isn’t seeing what I am feeling. He says I’m still lethargic, unresponsive to him and the kids, and not participating in their lives. He said he wasn’t trying to denigrate the work I had done and talked with him about, but that he wasn’t seeing me bounce back like I had before. I told him I thought I had gotten lower than I had in a long time because I had been considering withdrawing from the MFA program and stopping writing altogether. I felt like I had further to climb back this time. But I really feel like I have made strides in the Psycamore program and will continue to do better.
He really terrified me. I want to do better, but I don’t want to fall back into those fear patterns and suffering from that crippling fear that if I don’t get my act together that I’ll lose him. I am trying to let go of the idea that I can control other people’s actions. Because I’m learning I can’t really. But then I have a conversation like this that sounds like a threat. And I get scared all over again.