Did It!

I finally got the gumption together to write my paper for Forms in Drama.  Came out to three pages with a Works Cited page attached.  So four total.  So I’ve turned it in and we will see what comes of it.

WOrking on laundry and plan to meet Bob for lunch.  Time is dragging today and I just feel very much like little mundane tasks are just too challenging.   I want to go to bed and rest.  But I really need to do things today–I need to input the grades for the class assignment I graded yesterday and do a lot of laundry since I’ve been putting it off.  Maybe going out to lunch will be the pick-me-up I need.  I need to run pick up a few things from the grocery store as well.

Time has been dragging for me ever since Thursday when this depression hit me.  I can’t believe only a week has passed since then.  I’m so hoping this medication kicks it in quickly–usually it takes a few weeks to build up to therapeutic levels.  I just don’t have time to indulge it.  I am glad I saw what was happening and tried to jump on it.  Rather than let it drag me so low that I needed to go to the hospital.

FOur weeks in February and two in March then it’s spring break.  Then a month and a half until school is out for me. That’s how I’m having to think about things right now.  How long do I have to go to make it through.  WIsh my brain would unfreeze.

Hope others are doing well getting ready for the weekend.  We don’t have anything scheduled–next weekend is my daughter’s sleepover/birthday party.  SO we are hoping that goes well.  Wish us and her all the best.

 

 

 

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People are stunned that their blowing off an assignment due today will reduce their grade!  In other startling news, snow is cold!  We will see how this shakes out.  Irritating.

We weathered the snow day, me and my youngest.  She cleaned her room and I did some work for class.  She had time to goof off as well so she didn’t waste the WHOLE day working 🙂  She didn’t want to go out in it and play–we really didn’t have enough to do that with.  We did go out and eat with Bob so that went well.

I need to get to work grading soon so I can hand the assignments back to them on Friday.  But I am feeling tired and lazy right now, so I’m going to keep typing here for a bit.  I need to shake off the lethargy and get on my various responsibilities.  I have a paper due and these papers to grade.

I was seriously thinking about dropping my Forms in Drama class.  I just am not catching on like I want to and don’t feel like putting in the work to keep up.  I need to decide–I’ll lose that part of my tuition as that date to get a refund has passed.  I guess I will need to stick with it so that I won’t waste that money.  But Lord, I hope clarity comes soon in that class.  I need it.

I had a terrible dream last night.  I dreamed that Bob told me I was too fat and he didn’t want to love me any more.  He complained that I was wearing big coverups to bed instead of something pretty.  I was devastated.  I woke up feeling so insecure about my weight.  So I haven’t eaten yet today.  And I may go walk around some during my office hours.  We will see.

I need to go turn in attendance for class.  I guess I will run on out of here.  Hope everyone is careful in the cold and stays warm.  Happy Wednesday!

 

SNOW!

Yes, we got some of the white stuff they’ve been predicting even this far down south.  My youngest is out of school so she will have to entertain herself a bit today while I work a bit on class tomorrow. I don’t know if she will want to get out in it or not–that was more fun when her sisters were home.  She may want to build a snowman–I will try to help if she does.

Class was hard to write for yesterday.  I couldn’t get my brain working up to my usual standard.  I finally spit out the required number of words and then some and called it a night.  I still feel futzed out mentally.  I need to work on a paper that is due Sunday for Forms in Drama but will have to really work to pull it out.

I’ve set up to meet someone in the MFA program that lives here in Jackson–her name is Lauren and she lives in Jackson.  (I am in a suburb of Jackson).  So we are going to meet up after I see Tillie next Tuesday.  I need to meet live people since everyone I knew from the first classes has now graduated :(. I’m hoping we can be buddies.

WEll, I’m about to help Bob out with a load of stuff to go down to New Orleans Seminary’s thrift shop. Here’s to a happy snow day wherever you are.

 

Got Through Class

Which is always helpful.  They have two assignments to bring to me Wednesday (or whatever day we wind up having class).  They are predicting two inches of snow for tomorrow and low, low temps all day so it might not melt in time for class Wednesday.  We will have to see.

Very, very slow to get moving this morning.  I just couldn’t get out of bed.  I finally did and got ready to come to class.  But it was slogging around there for a while.  I feel better now that I am here and got through all the material for class today.

My appetite still has not come back.  I am hoping it stays tamed for a while so I can lose more weight.  I’ve lost three pounds this month and hope to do more in the months to come.  Walking around campus a little more is probably helping.  But not wanting to eat is a big help too.

The W’s computer is acting up again.  I am trying to log in and it is timing me out.  I’m not sure what is up with that.  But I will keep trying.  I need to stay up with my classes and work harder on Forms in Drama.  I need to email the professor about my confusion.

That is all I have to say today.  Keep praying for me as I try to get my act together and come up out of this depression.  Thank you to those who are.

 

 

Still Trying

Still trying to dig my way out from under.  I can type now on here and have typed up a bit for Defying Shadows about hypomania sliding into depression, which is what I beleive has happened to me.  But all I really want to do is sleep.  I may take a nap this afternoon, or I may try to work on stuff for class.  I am very confused about the Forms in Drama class as to what the professor wants on critical vs. craft essays.  So I will send him an email asking for clarification.

I just want to know if something specific triggered this one.  I can’t come up with any real triggering event except the start of dance season.  And it wasn’t a lot of hassle to get going this time–my youngest got herself ready and her hair and makeup done all without me.  So that was a load off of my mind.  Still had to sit through the dances but I took a  Klonopin and that helped keep my mind from spinning around.

I do class tomorrow and all that so I need to be prepared.  So far I finally got full attendance last Friday, so that’s good. Maybe they will start taking it seriously.  I hope so.  I think I’m going to go take my nap.  My youngest is still on a trip with her grandparents and they would show around five p.m. or so.

 

I Feel Better

Just a little bit.  I took an extra Klonopin so I could get through the dance competition and I haven’t had to do that in forever.  But at least now there is a plan and ways to follow up with my treatment team and awareness all around so I am not suffering alone.  I have people offering their support and all such as that.  I’m not looking for attention but it is nice to have people reach out and ask what they can do, even if all I tell them is to pray that I come up out of this as soon as possible.  That’s really the best thing anyone can do for me right now.

I am thinking about taking some time off from driving so hard in school.  I am going to slack off on reading so far ahead   since I think the stuff is kind of dragging me down a little–the memoirs are a bit depressing in their own right and I may need to take a break. Let me ease up on what may be depressing my spirit.  I’m on the fifth book in the syllabus so I can wait a little bit on finishing it.  I think I will read something that I know will cheer me up instead.

We will see what today brings.  My youngest is going off on a spent-the-night trip and Bob and I are going to shop for her birthday and go out to dinner with friends,  We will see how things go.

 

Still Bad

Still feeling worthless and tired.  I hope I can make it through class.  Bob has been so good to me, checking on how I feel.  I am thankful that I don’t feel suicidal–but if we dont’ get this arrested that may be where it leads eventually.  Hopefully Dr. Bishop can see his way to increasing my Lexapro or something to bring me out of it.

It is 28 degrees outside and I hope I can stay warm on the way to class.  I am wearing a big wooly cardigan I got for Chirstmas that should fit the bill yet still look professional.  We will see how it goes.  Supposed o warm to the 50;s so I will only need it this morning unless the wind stays high.

I am so mad at this popping up so early.  Usually January is  a pretty good month.  But not this year.

I need to get ready to go.  Hope everyone has a good weekend–I may come back and PS again with what we find out.

PS Dr. Bishop added Effexor back to my pill regimen and had me stop Buspar.  So we will see if that makes any kind of difference in my mood the next month.  I go back to see Tilie in a week and a half so we will see how that goes as well.  W talked about a lot of things and decided that some of it may have been buried frustration at everyone for how they acted at Christmas and since about things.  So I will try to work through that and see what I may need to do to cope better.

 

 

Frozen Solid

That’s how my mind feels this morning.  I don’t even want to attempt anything creative. I don’t know why this happens, but sometimes it does.  I think I’m frustrated with myself with getting a few rejections last week and I just don’t want to try anything new.  I am wondering about drinking another Coke and trying to wake up that way. I don’t know.

At least I do know I will snap out of it eventually.  I always do.

It’s a beautiful day outside but COLD.  We’re finally getting a little bit of winter weather so that is all right.  Yesterday it rained all day and was mucky, but today the sun is out brilliantly.

I need to go grocery shopping sometime today and get food for this weekend.  I also have the lady doing the curtains for my youngest one’s bedroom coming out to collect her deposit after lunch.  So I eventually need to be awake and functional.  I think I will get that other Coke,

Hope everyone has a good slide into the weekend.

PS the ice is deepening.  I have an appointment with Dr. Bishop tomorrow morning and TIllie tomorrow afternoon because I think this is more that just a little frustration. I called Bob and he came home so hopefully he can help me hold it together until I can get to my doctor.   Class tomorrow does not promise to be too difficult so I am going to go ahead and go.  I’ll go straight to Dr. Bishop then to Tillie the way his office normally works.   Pray for me.  I don’t think I need the hospital as I’m not suicidal.  Just deepening depression.

 

Well. . .

I got a few things accomplished yesterday but not everything. And I go back to work today.  So we will see what happens.  We start work on our group research problem and will see which topic won the vote on what to write on.

I was so tired last night. I went to sleep so early.  And I had weird dreams so I didn’t sleep so well.  SO I am sleepy this morning, too.  Sigh.

But I seem to be all right in that my mood is stable and not switching one way or the other.  So that is good.

Sorry I am typing so fast.  I am trying to beat my daughter’s school bus to be done.  ANd it just ran so I have to leave for work. Everyone hang in there today!

 

Open Tuesday

Nothing I have to run go do today until my youngest gets home so I am going to try not to sleep the day away.  I am going to try to write for a bit.  I did my homework early so I have some time to work on my novella project. I need to rewrite three or four sections (can’t remember exactly) into the main character’s point of view.  So we will see.

I have figured out what I’m going to work on this semester for my final project–I’m going to write micro essays on my year without writing.  I need to figure out how to explore it for my thesis and I may as well start now.  Start with the two I wrote for homework and add to them from what I can glean out of the journal I kept for the time.  I’ll make it clearer as I go along that it’s a story of obsession/grief as well and end with a bit on bipolar hypergraphia.

I suppose I could do my laundry today as well so as to not have to do it tomorrow on a teaching today.  Let it run while I type.  I am still trying to wake up so that is why I am so fuzzy about everything.  I did not sleep well last night at all–I’m not sure what was keeping my awake but I found myself awake a lot.  So I don’t feel so perky this morning.

DId fill my Lexapro yesterday so I hope to stay even throughout the start of my dangerous period.  I am just praying against all the things that happen this time of year and hope that I can get through them without breaking down.  I remember what all I learned last year at Psychamore so I am hoping that I can keep my focus on recovering from what I’ve done to myself in the past and keep my mental attitude upbeat and forward-looking.

WEll, If I am going to type before lunch I need to get started.  Hope everyone has a happy Tuesday!