I told Bob yesterday that I was very tired. I was tired of caring so much about everything. I was tired of worrying about everything. I was tired of wondering if I’m doing things “right”. I want to just stop caring so much. He told me to keep an eye on that feeling because my deep depressions typically start with me no longer caring about anything. I told him I just wanted this feeling of inadequacy and pressure to “do better” to stop.
I don’t know why I am feeling this way. WEll, I think maybe I do. I got my first B ever in this graduate program on my critical paper for Drama. Now I’m scared to write anything for class thinking it won’t be any good. Or I’ll miss the point of the exercise and do it wrong. And it’s bleeding out into the rest of my life. I just want to get in bed and stay there. I mean, if I’m disabled and going ot be for the rest of my life, why don’t I start acting like it.? Take to my bed and stay there like my Great-Aunt Lena did.
I mean, what am I accomplishing with my writing? What am I accomplishing with the house stuff? What am I accomplishing with anything I’m doing? I am trying to raise a child and she doesn’t even want to interact with me without me practically forcing her to. What am I getting out of what I do? Satisfaction with doing well according to myself is just not cutting it for me. It used to be enough. But now it isn’t.
This time of year is always when I start going down. Starting around my youngest one’s birthday and Valentine’s Day. I go see Dr. Bishop next week and can talk to him about it and to Tillie the week after that. We will see.