Archive | December 2020

There’s A Story Here. . .

Bob went out early to get the oil in his truck changed and to meet a guy at his office to unload some product. He came back at 7:30 a.m. saying he’d left his office keys at home by accident. It’s almost ten and he’s still not home yet. So we will see what happened when he comes in.

Things are going well so far–we have a bowl game at 11 that my husband is going to record so we can watch it this afternoon after our middle daughter gets done with Psycamore. I’m not expecting much. But we will see.

I finished the draft of my thesis and will send it to my advisor this morning. She said she would read it over the New Year holiday and we would start with more comments when school started.

Bob just came in so I will see what is going on. Have a good New Year’s Eve and be responsible while doing it.

Trying For Normal

I started reading my thesis again last night, and it holds together well so far. I need to make the revisions today or tomorrow because I send it back New Year’s. So unless I have to stop to put away the trees with the girls, I will be doing that. I hope we can get together this afternoon to take the other trees down, but there’s no betting on that.

Bob last night made a comment that he had been “stress eating” lately and my middle one pops around the corner and asks, “What are you stressed about?” Bob and I just stared at each other and he decided not to put her on the spot and just said, “Different things.”

He’ll come home early this afternoon because of the holiday and we’ll go out to eat tonight. I’ll go grocery shopping again for meals and we will see what I can pick up. Hope the stores are open tomorrow. I know restaurants will be closed New Year’s Day. So we will see what happens.

I am really nervous about my middle one leaving Sunday. She’ll have some support and she’s staying in the Psycamore program moving to night classes, and she’ll be looking for a dog in the next week and her roommate has moved back in so she won’t be going it cold-turkey alone. But I’m still scared for her in so many ways.

I guess I will go back to reading. Hope everyone can have a happy New Year’s holiday. Stay safe from the virus.

Counseling Today

I go see Tillie today and will have some to talk about. Trying to process all of this guilt. I know I need to let go and leave the past in the past. But I still have another daughter at home. What might I be missing in her life that should concern me? I don’t want a repeat of this.

I really pulled off a trick yesterday–I went to the grocery store late and bought groceries for for breakfast and such and bought ingredients for one meal that I don’t fix often and used some stuff around here that was on the verge of losing, and made Bob so happy. I had dreaded and dreaded going and finally did at 3:30 p.m. then I felt good. I need to get out of the habit of putting off and putting off. It’s never as bad as I think it will be.

We have plans for a relaxing New Year’s. Just going to enjoy Bob being off work and hanging around and doing a little shopping with gift cards probably. My two girls went shopping with their cards yesterday and bought lots of girly things–makeup and bath oils and such.

We need to finish taking the trees down this afternoon and pack up the rest of the Christmas stuff. Then we will be all swept clean of the old year and ready for the new. We have hope. We have Jesus. We have a vaccine. Dear Lord, help all of us get the vaccine before long. Stay safe. Godspeed

Still The Holidays

I slept in pretty late–I was awake when Bob called to check on us but not yet out of the bed, So after that I got up.

I had a sad moment yesterday. When one of our girls is about to graduate college, that Christmas before they pack a box with all the ornaments we’ve given them over the years. So my middle one was packing her box and we were talking about the different ornaments and when we had gotten them and I was suddenly overwhelmed that she was about to leave for good after her last semester and trying to face the world by herself with bipolar disorder probably going somewhere where she knew no one with no support system (I know I’m catastrophizing). and I had to go out of the room for a minute to keep from crying. I guess the wound of her diagnosis is still a little too fresh in me.

But we got through it and everything settled down in me. Until the night. That’s when the thought came to me that I had not been a good mother since my children had not wanted to come to me with their problems so I could try and help. My middle one says “You were busy”. She still hasn’t opened up about what made her do what she did and now I feel like a double failure. I left my career to be with them more, then I got hit with bipolar, and I stayed sick with it a long time. I really regretted leaving my career because I was sick, but I felt like I was doing my best for the kids and came around to that, only to find out I was a failure there too.

SOrry to be such a downer. I’m just trying to process what is going on with me. I guess I will stop there before I start crying again. Hope everyone else is doing well and staying safe from the virus. Be well.

Sunday Morning

So we are waiting for online church to start. We are trying to be even more careful since none of us wants covid again. I hate missing live church but I don’t know as Bob could hold up without coughing. So we watch on youtube. We aren’t having Zoom Sunday School today so that is a loss. But we will make it.

This week I need to catch up on laundry sorting and my thesis. I’m not sure which one will be harder. I still have a blank mind as far as writing. And I am so naturally lazy I might not get to the laundry until after New Year’s.

I got myself some free product from Bath and Body Works buying for the kids. Its called “A Champagne Toast” and has one of the loveliest scents that I think they have ever put out. I’ve been bathing in it the past two nights and love it and it doesn’t trigger Bob’s allergies! A win all around. Have to find the small pleasures in life.

Church is about to start so I am going to run. I feel stable today so I think it’s going to be a good day. I may take a nap after church. We will see. Hope everyone is doing well and staying safe from the virus.

Day After

We are waiting on Bob’s sister and her family to come over and exchange presents for Christmas. We usually do it on Christmas Day with Bob and his sister’s parents, but one of her boys had a teacher with covid right at the end of the year so she did not go over there. Anyway.

Then we are going shopping–I may go (after everyone else finished) to Belk’s by myself and buy what I have in mind of buying. We will see how it goes. So we have been extremely lazy ths morning so far. I hope everything goes well with them and we will see how it comes off.

My middle one start classes at Psycamore again on Monday. I hope she gets as much out of it as she can. Then she will go back to her doctor and increase her counseling to twice a week. I just want her better and able to finish college and get a job. I know that might not happen, but I am praying for her for it to happen.

I need to get back to my thesis THIS WEEK and finish up the dribs I have left, then send it in for another read-through by my advisor. I need another reading list for the spring and we will see where that goes. I am ready for some blessed normality for a while.

I really do feel relaxed after the rush of Christmas. All the work is done. Good for us. Now to relax and see what the new year brings us. Hope everyone stays free of the virus and stays safe. Godspeed.

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas! We have had a lovely Christmas, seeing family this morning and relaxing/taking naps all afternoon. (That’s why I’m posting so late!) We have another week of relaxing then school and everything else shifts into high gear. My middle one will go back to State and we will see how well she copes. I hope she can hold it together; she only has one semester left and she will complete her degree and we will be relieved.

The youngest starts back school on the 5th and the middle one on the 4th, I believe. So it’s just another week. I’m not sure when I start on my last semester–sometime in the same neighborhood. I hope I can get out of this mental fog enough to do it.

So I’m about to fix up a dinner of these leftovers from the past couple days and then we will see what is on tap for the night. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Horrible Scare

Got the phone call last night from my middle one that my mom has just passed out at the dinner table and mry dad and sister were taking her to the hospital. I very nearly freaked out. Here’s 2020 being 2020 again. Finally after a bunch of tests ad a flurry of phone calls back and forth, my sister calls and says the hospital is sending her home–they think she got dehydrated and passed out from that. Summer told all the scans they ran to see if it was a stroke and everything came back negative. So we are still going up there but hopefully between us me and my sister can keep my mom from doing too much.

Anyway we are still going up with presents and we are going to do the best we can to have a good time. Please pray that my mom gets better and that this does not beco.me a chronic thing. And pray that we can just get through the rest of the holidays without something else awful happening. Thank you.

Baking

That’s what I’m supposed to be doing today–making desserts for all the Christmas holidays. I’ve already done one batch of cookies, sent them around to the neighbors, and saved a dozen for Chirstmas Day at my in-laws’ house. But I need to make sausage balls for tonight at the Vowell party and for us Chirstmas morning for breakfast, and two cobblers, one for us to eat Chirstmas Day at breakfast and another for my in-laws’ house and a brownie for my in-laws’ house.

I’m going to get my youngest to make the sausage balls this morning before I leave for therapy with Tillie. They can then take a batch to the party tonight. Bob and I will follow them tomorrow for our Christmas Eve celebration at my parents’ house. So we will see how all of this goes.

My middle one has seemed to settle down over her medicine. She is going to give it longer to start working and not making her so sleepy. I don’t know but that I might have done something irreparable to our relationship when I told her that in the future she might get so ill she couldn’t work. I hope not. I was just trying to tell the truth.

Anyway, the kids are both us so we will make sausage balls really quickly. Stay safe from the virus, particularly our readers in the UK. Godspeed.

A Hint of Despair

My middle one is having a hard time accepting how her diagnosis may affect her. For example, she is on a med that is giving her side effects she doesn’t like but aren’t life-threatening. Her doctor at the intensive outpatient program won’t change it, asking her to ride out the sleepiness. She’s not having it.

I’ve tried to explain to her that her brain is now recovering from the mixed episode she had and she should give it time to work and she says she needs to be well to get back to school and finish. I told her that was true but you don’t just ‘get better’ from bipolar through sheer force of will. So now she’s mad at everybody and is closing off again. I’m not going to bring it up again. This is a case of I have to do what I can and leave the rest up to God.

I slept in ’til 8 a.m. and it felt good. Now I am waiting on Candy and Christy so I can run out and get some tea–I left it off last time I went to the grocery store and now I am out. Everyone else is still asleep.

I am prayerfully looking into a course of action to try to help people like my oldest and middle one and I hope what I am planning is the right thing to do. I’ve talked it over with Bob and will talk to him again about it before I do it. Pray for me as I pray about this.

So I need to run get dressed and get ready for cleaning. Hope everyone has a good day and a merry holiday season.