Archive | June 2021

Long Month

It feels like summer is just crawling by on one hand, but on the other it’s only a few weeks until my youngest goes to band camp so that means school is quickly on the way as well. But May and June just drug along. Anyway. Candy and Christy are on their way to help me with some of the work that needs doing around here. We will manage.

I got both my little writing assignments I gave myself yesterday done! I submitted the short story to the contest and then I’m thinking about sending my thesis-book project to an open call for submissions that a well-regarded indie press is holding. Just to test othe waters. I will think about it some more.

I want to continue in the vein of doing small assignments that get my creativity going again since that worked so well yesterday. I think the first thing I will do.is read my memoir out loud to myself and see how it is flowing and working and see if there are any spaces for revising. I think I will work on that this afternoon. Maybe go through Submittable and see if there are more contests open I can send my remaining stories to. I only have about three I still haven’t published–Fortune’s Fool, Sow The Wind, and Trade-In. So I can try to see if they will publish this summer. Worth a try.

Well, I’m going to need to run and get ready for them to show up. I feel good today–like I will get things accomplished that make me feel good about myself. I hope so. Godspeed, everyone.

Writing

I have two writing jobs on my mind–one to add words to a story fragment in order for it to work for a fiction contest, and another paragraph in my thesis-book project to expand on a point in time when my relationship with Bob was disintegrating during my last Bachelor’s degree full semester. So I hope to work on those this afternoon.

MSU lost last night, just watching the starting pitcher just fall apart in the first inning. He didn’t even get to pitch the final out of the inning. Vandy scored 7 runs before the inning was over. So so sad for us. So it’s do or die tonight–but they don’t call them “The Cardiac Dogs” for nothing; State specializes in coming back when their backs are against the wall. So we will see tonight.

I am doing pretty well right now–so well that I forgot my therapy appointment this morning completely. So I will go see her tomorrow. I have a lot of peace since I went to church and prayed so hard for God to break through all the despair, the depression, the discouragement, and the dissociation. I am still waiting on the joy of the Lord to break through. But right now I will settle for peace. Much better than the other options.

Candy and Christy will come back tomorrow to help me clean out some of the specific clutter that I just can’t seem to get to. So that will help me mind to ease some more. I’m still waiting on my Harry Connick Jr tickets and for my thesis copies to come. So I have a lot to look forward to.

I guess I will run and get to work. Thanks so much for reading. I love knowing that there’s someone out there listening. Godspeed to all.

Camp Week

So I dropped the youngest one off for camp this morning. Saw my friend Rachel and she wanted to get together for lunch today so we did at Kismet’s. It had been a while since we had talked together so we had fun catching up on each other’s lives and what all was going on with our kids. I got catfish since Bob wasn’t with me so that was yummy.

Talked to my oldest this morning and she said they had put in an application to rent a place this weekend, so I am standing in faith that it will come through for them. Talked to my middle one Saturday and she had done a lot of overtime at her job, working late everyday. She’s salaried so she doesn’t get overtime pay, but she could get it as a day off so that was good to hear as well. We’re going up to see her Labor Day weekend.

I finally finished the BPHope blog post yesterday–cut everything I could down from the original document and wound up with 1800 words, about 600 words too long. But I went ahead and sent it in and warned her. We will see what happens.

I’m still sleepy. We had to check her in to camp at 7:30 am this morning. I came back and slept maybe an hour. Not sure what I’m going to do to stay busy this afternoon. Tomorrow Candy and Christy come for regular cleaning and Wednesday they are coming to do some of the stuff that has piled up in the past few months. I hope my thesis comes in soon so I can deliver it to the W. I’ll have to look up Mike’s office address at UW-Madison to make sure he gets his copy. I can’t wait to hold it in my hands.

Well, I m about to go get dessert after lunch. I hope everyone is doing well this first of the week. Godspeed.

Happy Belated Anniversary

I didn’t realize yesterday was my wedding anniversary until after I finished my post yesterday. Twenty-eight years, if anyone is counting. Someone at church today said, “That’s a long time to put up with Bob Whitehead!” Then they said they were just teasing before I had a chance to say, completely deadpan, “Yeah, I get that a lot.” But I love him and would not trade him for anyone in the world.

The MSU BULLDOGS are in the College World Series for baseball finals! They won in dramatic fashion by getting a one-run lead (after being tied for three innings and leaving seven men on base) in the bottom of the ninth over Texas, So now we face Vanderbilt in the finals. Hopefully we can finally get a championship this year. We have had 14 trips to Omaha and never have won the big prize, In 1985, when we had three future major league hitters on our roster, we got to the final game and couldn’t pull it out against Texas. Of course, they did have a young guy named ROGER CLEMENS as their pitcher in that game, so we were just mowed down one by one. Games start again Monday.

I had a bad night last night according to Bob, I know I am kind of zonked out. He says it was something he did but I don’t remember that. I know I had some weird dreams about going back to DDS and working, another about cleaning out my closet and packing and arguing with my mother, and another one about trying to find my car in the high school parking lot. The only anxiety trope I missed was the one about taking a test in a class I didn’t know I was enrolled in. I know where it’s all coming from, but there’s no help for that except taking my meds all the time.

We are waiting for pizza my youngest wanted to order for lunch. Bob’s still not better from having his allergies activated by perfume in Amerigo’s yesterday. So we are ordering in. I think they’ll soon get here, so I need to start winding up. PLEASE everyone get the vaccine before the Delta variant comes for you. Godspeed.

Father’s Day Redux.

Today we are taking Bob’s dad out for Father’s Day since we didn’t see him on the actual day. So we will see how that turns out. He is having a terrible time with his cancer meds. It hurts to watch.

Bob went and cut his hair this morning and brought me back two chocolate donuts for breakfast! That was sweet for him to do. He looks all cleaned up. His hair is super curly unless he keeps it cut close to his head. So he was de-curling it this morning.

I feel more optimistic this morning. I got to talk to my oldest last night and they’ve hired a realtor and are looking at a slew of places to move to today. So I will pray they hit paydirt today; they need the time left to pack and get moved out to somewhere new instead of packing it all into storage.

I need to set up some lunch and coffee dates while my youngest is gone. I have one on Thursday with my professor for my thesis just to chat. I’ll probably also call Jo and Mary Jane and see if I can meet them. I have another date for lunch with Candy and Christy after they come help me do some extra things that need doing around the house on Wednesday.

I guess I will run. I am feeling better today. More hopeful. I pray that circumstances align themselves with that hope. Godspeed, everyone.

Worse

I think my dissociation is getting worse. I am literally watching so many things go wrong and I don’t feel anything. I know it’s protective–it’s to keep me from freaking out. But I feel so helpless–nothing to do, nothing to say, nothing to do to help. I’m just in a frozen little ball that doesn’t want to be bothered–just let me stay here and curled up until the crisis is over. I’m scared I’m going to slip out of reality before it’s over. If there is one feeling I can’t stand, it is helplessness.

My youngest is going to camp next week and I’m going to miss her terribly. She went today to shop for some essentials with a friend that’s also going to the same camp. She said she did well with her shopping so I am leaving her to finish packing.

I may go to sleep when this is over. I didn’t get up until 11:00. I just can’t cope right now. I’m going to finish my drink and snack and then check out until time to cook supper. I feel horrible doing this. I need to finish my writing project. I don’t know how I’ll make myself finish. But I’ve got to try.

Godspeed, everyone.

Camp Planning

My youngest is packing to go to church camp next week. Right now she is off with her grandmother to do some playtime, lunch and whatnot. But she’s been looking for all the camp stuff in the house and plans to go out tomorrow and buy the rest of what she needs. They haven’t had church camp at our church since a mass food-poisoning episode at one camp four years ago. So I pray against that and COVID and Lyme and Legionnaire’s and Rocky Mountain fever and everything else. I just want them to be safe.

I’m not sure what me and Bob are going to do wile she’s gone. I’m not going to do any more book research because I want to wait and be able to say I have the MFA instead of not putting that information in. So I am kind of at a loss as to what to do. I still have my college blog post to write so I will work more on that today. Right now I am eating a little snacky lunch–I ate breakfast late so I don’t need a lot for lunch. And I may go back to sleep after lunch anyway.

It’s getting around camp meeting time back home. I so miss that time when I was a kid and my grandmother let us stay in her tents. It was being very close to God and the feeling of being taken care of by my grandmother and everyone else that was camping out there. I miss it more that anyone can know.

I guess I will go and get some work done before I take a nap. Hope everyone is doing well here at the end of the week. Godspeed, everyone.

Another Flat Day

I got up this morning, took my meds, checked my emails, then went back to bed. I think I’m up for good now.

Yesterday I went and relaxed in a hot, bath-bombed tub to try and calm down. It did help my flatness–I was actually able to cry out about how unright everything was and how I truly felt and let the tears flow. That was a good release of tension. It helped me accomplish more that rest of the day and be there for my family when Bob got home.

Tonight we go to a church meeting about the youngest one going to summer camp. I guess we’ll get a lot of good information and everything there. She goes Monday and will be gone until the 2nd of July to a Christian camp in Alabama.

My piece ran in BPHope about medication management. This week I’m writing about how I did college this time around even with hospitalizations, etc. I hope I can do well with it. I think I will start it this afternoon and work with it today and Thursday and send it in Friday morning. That is the plan right now, at least.

I think I will try to move on with my day. Such as it is. I hope something gives soon so I start to feel better more of the time. Get the shot–this Delta variant is spreading and we need more people vaccinated. Godspeed.

Flat

That pretty much describes how I feel today. I feel flattened by everything going on and like I can’t get up off the floor and do anything about it. And there’s nobody to try to take anything stacked on top of me off of me. I just don’t know what to do. I feel better lying down on the bed and letting it flatten me for real rather than sit up, stay awake, and sit with the worries. Sleep offers a respite from the whirling dervishes in my head.

I just go through my days quietly and uncomplainingly and wonder if I’m going to live on a high-wire for the rest of my life. Balancing depression and mania, trying to still figure things out after living fifty damn years and no end in sight to walking this tightrope over and over again and never ending. I just don’t know what to do.’

I think I’m going to go lie down and rest until Bob comes in. Hope everyone is having a better start to their week.

Going to be a Slow Day

I woke up just before eight, took my medicine, and went back to sleep. Woke up and went to the grocery store for a few things and came back home. Now I’m eating lunch. I need to work on the blog essay to give it a final polish then send it in.

I’m not sure what else I’m going to do today. I don’t really feel like doing anything and the rain has finally come in here. I guess I need to start research soon. That will be something good to do. Gotta get used to no schoolwork anymore.

My mom sent home a bunch of pictures home with my youngest–a lot of old ones of me at all ages. My grandfather’s obit notice. I did not realize he was only 67 when he died-I thought he was in his early 70s.

I feel drug out. It is for some reason hot inside this house. I’ve checked the A/C–in fact it just cut off from blowing. If Bob says something when he comes in, I will call someone to check on it.

My mood is kind of down. I feel sluggish and still tired. Maybe I’ll perk up once I have some food in me. My blog post to work on is about having someone stay on top of your medications, for various reasons–medicine interactions, etc. They want more personal anecdotes–which i don’t really have. SO I am trying to think of what to put in.

I guess i will get to work. I want to wake up. Hopefully I will. Godspeed, everyone.