Archive | May 2022

Back to Work

Going back to the office today. I think we will be in the basement today so I will be packing books for a festival/market that my boss is getting ready for. I don’t know if he will be working it, but he is the exhibits coordinator and so he’s over preparation. I’m so bumfuzzled I don’t remember at all what I did Thursday while I was working at home. So it may be good for me to do something mindless before I go to my doctor Friday.

Bob goes for his doctor check-up today. Then he goes to work. My youngest is home today, So it’s going to be just another day with us.

I hope Dr. Bishop is amenable to altering my meds to try to stave off the depression. I just don’t want it getting worse. If that means going to my therapist more, I suppose I can do that. I just don’t want to keep falling further.

I guess that is all for today. Pray for me today that I can keep an even keel and not keep falling down further. Godspeed.

Home

We are back home from our trip. Very relaxing and filled with family fun. We went to a Braves game and considering that the Braves lost to the Marlins 9-1 it was a very uneventful game. All the catches were easy, no big inning with lots of runs scored, no ridiculous errors except on the part of the Braves shortstop. We did decide to root for one player on the Marlins–a short stocky guy who had a .000 batting average for the season when he came up to the plate. So we saw him get his first hit; he stole second and third; he got another hit and eventually scored, and almost got a third infield hit when the shortstop almost bobbled his catch. He was having his best day ever! So we thought that was funny. We also went to the Atlanta Zoo and ate out some really good meals.

So that is my weekend in a nutshell. Hope everyone has a good rest of their Memorial Day. Godspeed.

Some Hope

I woke up before the alarm this morning and went ahead and got up and came in here to write. Instead of trying to stay in bed for as long as I could. So that is a small step forward. I have to hold on to the small steps right now because everything else looks pretty bleak right now.

We go see my middle one today; we’re scheduled to attend a Braves game this afternoon after lunch so I am really looking forward to that! I hope it’s a good game. I’ve never been to any pro sport event so we will see how it goes.

Well, I hear Bob getting up. We are going to leave once he is done getting ready. I am going to try to keep the blog up while we are gone, so happy reading! Godspeed.

Panic

I still feel really bad. I am going to see my lady doctor today and have a mammogram which just thrills me to no end :(. But I’ve let it go for too long. So that will be my morning.

We go out of town this weekend to see my middle one–she is in Georgia, and we are driving over tomorrow morning. I am hoping that relaxes me and makes me feel better and not so panicky. Gives me something else to think about.

I just want to get back in bed. This is depression. I know it. I need to do something about it. I am trying. Pray for me and all of us with what all we are facing.

Ruminating

I can’t stop thinking about things. I am sliding downhill and as usual, I can’t get in to see my psychiatrist because this time he has COVID. I had to take a klonopin this morning to stop the obsessive thoughts about Bob and the state of our marriage. I know they’re irrational and I need to stop thinking this way. I have gone beyond logic helping me any. I hated to burden him any but I warned him how I was thinking last night. He’s just at a loss on how to help. I am doing my best to keep my head above water but struggling mightily. So I can’t see Dr. Bishop until next Friday and I see Tillie the same morning so I hope the combination with help stave off anything crazy happening.

I DO NOT want to go to the hospital. I’m not suicidal by any means. But I don’t know how I can concentrate on anything else. I am working from home today and just can’t settle down into the work. My mind keeps spinning. I am going out for lunch to try to distract myself and hope a good meal can give me a boost to complete work this afternoon. Please pray for us all.

Mental Health and Guns

Since the Texas school shooter was killed by police, we will never know exactly why he did what he did.

But (and I am trying to say this as carefully as I can), if you know someone who is troubled, please, please, please make sure you clean all guns out of their house.

My husband, a hunter and believer in the 2nd amendment, no longer has guns in our house because of me.

I took one of his guns to kill myself with when I ran away from home in 2006. After I came home, his entire gun collection went to his parents’ house, where it remains. I shudder to imagine what might have happened if I had a bent to kill others instead of just myself.

Suffering people do not think straight. They only know they are suffering, and they may want someone to blame. Yes, if someone wants a gun badly enough, they can find one somewhere else. I tried to. But at least you won’t live with the knowledge that a gun was too readily available to someone you knew who was troubled.

States, fund mental health facilities. Feds, put teeth in background check laws. And all of us? Pray.

I Love Blogging

Got up a little late today but was able to catch up the time and now I can write for a bit. I really don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t write here. I am already missing not writing articles, even though it’s only a short break that I feel like I definitely need. But I love blogging in that I can say just about whatever I want to here and not feel constrained that I’m not doing it “right”.

I’m not sure what I will be doing today at work–probably more social media posts until I catch them up. Then going back and correcting per proofreading comments from the rest of the team. I have enjoyed learning Canva and InDesign. I still need my notes to do everything right, but I’m getting better.

We are back on our meal plan, Bob and me. Hopefully we can get back into fat burn soon and see results. Probably won’t for a couple of weeks since we will go out of town this weekend to see my middle one and probably won’t eat exactly right doing that. But at least we are trying again.

I guess that’s it for this morning. I need to load up my water bottle and start taking it again. Hope everyone has a good day. Godspeed.

Positive Steps

So I went ahead and scheduled a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow at 3:15 p.m. They seemed to think it might be COVID–asked me if I had any exposure to it, etc. So that was strange. But we will see. I feel better today so we will see how it goes today. I do ache a good bit through my core because of how throwing up does me. But it’s only when I cough or sneeze or something. Otherwise I am fine right now.

My youngest is sleeping in this morning. I woke up later than usual–I didn’t sleep well. I had weird dreams. Scary ones. I may take a nap this afternoon to catch up and kill some time. I am really trying to relax and de-stress until the end of May. Then I will be back to guns blazing :).

I went shopping for my grandson yesterday. I thought of the craft box my sister-in-law gave my daughters when they were kids–it was a pack of markers, crayons, paper, stickers, play-do, pastels, etc. in a plastic bin. We used the heck out of it when we traveled and during school holidays for our kids to do free coloring, art, etc. So I went and restocked it with baby craft stuff–mess-free paper and markers, big fat crayons, construction paper, boy stickers, etc. I had so much fun shopping for it yesterday. He will have fun with it when he comes to visit the next time–they are talking about coming back this fall. So that was fun. Soon we will go shopping for his birthday and that will be fun, too.

I think I will go read for a while. Relax some more. Godspeed to all.

Ick

And I’m icky again in my stomach, throwing up last night at 12:30 a.m. We had Mexican before the recital, and I ate what I always eat. Gross.

So we are staying home this morning.

I don’t know why I am being so sick. Lots of theories–I have always had a nervous stomach that feels stress very easily, but I haven’t had much trouble with it since I was diagnosed bipolar. But I’ve never lost a father-in-law before either. It could be that suddenly I can’t eat spicy food–one episode was after barbeque and this one was after Mexican. Or I could have something wrong that needs checking by a doctor. I think I am going to stay on a blander diet and see if that helps.

The recital went really well. It started on time (a surprise) and ended on time (another surprise). Bob’s mom went with us and really enjoyed it. My youngest’s boyfriend was a trouper and stayed the whole time and clapped after every number and took pictures during every number she was in. So everything went well.

I am trying to decide if I can try to eat something. I think I will. Hope everyone has a good day and pray that this illness goes away. If it doesn’t soon, I will be going to the doctor. Godspeed to all.

Recital

So today our youngest has her year-end dance recital. We are going tonight with Bob’s mom and my youngest’s boyfriend to watch. She is very happy to be dancing tonight and we are looking forward to watching. It’s going to make today a little hectic, but it should be fine. She is in three numbers close to the end, so we will see a lot on little ones dance before we see her, but that’s part of being one of the older girls in the academy.

I am so glad I went to see Tillie. I talked about how I was worried about Bob and everyone else, from his mom on down to my kids, and she helped remind me that I could not “fix” other people and that they all had to go through their own process. And that it would be hard and hard on me to watch. But I cannot solve other people’s problems for them, no matter how much I want to. I knew all of this but needed to hear it again. Because I still sometimes think that worrying about something is the same as doing something to fix it, when it isn’t. It’s just anxiety barking at the closed door. I did not realize how I had been holding the anxiety in my body until I realized my stomach was no longer clenched up when we finished talking. And the mental fog is lifting somewhat. So that is exciting as well.

Something very nice is happening in my relationship with my youngest. She has started coming into my home office on Friday nights and we talk. We talked last night until 10 p.m. She’s been doing this for a while. like at least once a month, and it really hit me last night that we are connecting in a new way with her doing this. I love it. My oldest and I talk like this, too, on the phone, but we didn’t start having this kind of relationship until she was about to graduate from college. I have always felt like I missed out on so much with my kids because of my bipolar disorder, but it’s nice to feel that I am making up for lost time in a way.

I suppose that’s all to say today. Godspeed to all.