Going to go see Tillie today again. I am taking my computer and read the letters I wrote Bob and see what she thinks about how I phrased myself and all. And let her know how I am feeling now.

I finally ate real food last night–steak and corn-on-the-cob. I hadn’t had any upset stomach symptoms all day, so I felt safe doing it.

My stomach hurt all night, and this morning I had diarrhea again.

I’ve already been checked out physically and nothing is wrong.

At least Bob isn’t as sick with coughing and is acting more human. Maybe it’s a trend.



Not Much Better

I wrote everything out last night, and I shared it with Bob, and you’d think I wrote him a summary of the weather report. I think he would have responded more strongly to the weather report. He dismissed and minimized all my concerns. I am so angry that I’ve been nauseated all day. I finally took a Klonopin a bit ago after I finished working and maybe I will calm down soon. I don’t feel like doing dinner at all–not cooking it or eating it. I’m going to eat toast and drink tea and take a bath and get in the bed and go to sleep.


So I went back to talk to Tillie yesterday. i talked about the anxiety-inducing things that are going on, and I just need to face them. I am going to write everything out and see how I feel about it once it’s on the page, and I will take it back to Tillie on Friday and we can work on it bit by bit.

So I’m doing better today. Thanks for all the prayers.

Power of Positive Thinking Isn’t Working

I started throwing up again at midnight last night.

I went to church but almost didn’t. I almost drove to St. Dominic’s. But I realized it wasn’t a bipolar episode–it was just pure anxiety. I am trying to hold my life together in my own power. And I can’t.

So I talked to one of the pastors this morning once I got to church. And I had to give it all up to God again. The fear, the worrying, the anxiety, the nerves.

And I took a Klonopin last night after I threw up and again this morning. I’ll stay on them twice a day until I can settle down.

I can’t talk to Bob because the first thing he will do is insist that I quit working.

I just need to let go of the knot at the bottom of the rope and let God handle it while I do my best to do what I need to do to be well.

Please pray.

Ok, Nerves. Shut Up!

Bob is not getting well and I am getting really nervy about it. There’s nothing I can do to help him except provide good meals and keep him from exerting himself too much. But he was coughing terribly last night because he doesn’t like taking the prescription cough meds because of how they make him feel. I had to basically order him to take it this afternoon because he tried to just go with OTC Nyquil this morning. Hopefully I can convince him to take it all weekend so his bronchial tubes will heal while it keeps him from coughing.

He couldn’t even wear his CPAP last night because he kept coughing into it. So he took it off and therefore snored, keeping me awake. So I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since last Sunday. And when he gets like this it makes me worry so much.

But I can’t keep feeling this way or I’ll make myself sick. When I went to the grocery store this afternoon, I almost had a panic attack. I was trying not to cry while shopping. No one stopped and asked if I was OK, so I must have hidden it pretty well. But at least I won’t have to go back until late next week or so. So that’s good.

I am going to try and rest this afternoon. I feel like I’ve done enough. I just hope he gets better.

All Up In My Feelings

Had a good morning but a sad, bad afternoon. I got all my appointments done, but for the first time in a while I left therapy feeling worse than I went in. Then I came home and called my dad to wish him a happy 75th birthday, and he sounded awful. He said he’d fallen asleep in his chair and the phone woke him up, but he did not sound at himself at all. We talked for a few minutes, and I just started crying after I hung up.

I went and took an extra Klonopin and climbed into bed and slept for an hour myself. Then I woke up and it was too late to go to the grocery store so we wound up with takeout tonight. I’m still not feeling just great. I hope I headed off being sick tonight from just the nerves.

We’re going to stay around the house tonight and this weekend because of all the pollen in the air and Bob being so sick. So it will be slow. I will probably go out and buy presents for my dad and sister and her daughter on Saturday by myself just to get it done. We will go up and give them to everyone on Easter this year–Mom cancelled yesterday up coming up this weekend. So that made me sad too.

I guess that’s all for tonight. Hope everyone has a good weekend. Godspeed.

End of My Workweek

Had kind of a lazy day today. I worked steadily but it was on my long-term project, so I didn’t feel rushed. Everyone else is concentrating on the catalog right now, and I already read through that and made my comments I felt were needed. We will see which ones get kept.

I will be very busy tomorrow. I have a hair appointment, a dental appointment, and a therapy appointment. I will be busy but not rushed, I don’t think–there’s a lot of time between them so I shouldn’t be late from one to another. Getting everything under control should be good for me.

I feel really good about this week. I’ve gotten a lot done and just need to keep an eye on incidental tasks for a little while. I’ll work on the MS Books Page blog Monday, along with action emails and my long-term project. I like being on an even keel. Then week after next, I start on June tasks. Staying busy and having fun!

Godspeed to all.

Seeing Hope Ahead

Bob stayed home for another day due to his cough not being under control. He couldn’t even stand up straight in the shower, he was coughing so hard. He got back in the bed and was there when I left this morning.

I had a good day–spent most of it proofreading the catalog for next season’s books. We have some really interesting ones coming out soon, so I need to decide which ones I might want for my personal collection. Even though I’m not even reading the books I have right now. :(. Maybe I’ll start doing better soon.

I felt pretty good today mentally. Worried about Bob, but other than that, I felt well. I work from home tomorrow and will most likely spend all my time on the big long-term project since so many other things are caught up. We will see.

Him coughing all night is about to send me around the bend of being sleepy. I am yawning like crazy this afternoon. So tired. My mind’s not hitting on all cylinders just because of that. I’d love to just get in the bed and go to sleep. But soon it will be suppertime, so no time for that.

Meandering day. Got a big job done but took it by my own pace. That’s the best way for me to work as far as I can tell. I’m really falling into a good solid routine and staying up with all the projects. It’s an odd feeling for me, having spent do long just living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day. I hope it lasts.