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Giving Up For The Meantime

I just had one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had. I told MCIR I was going to have to take a leave from writing for them because I just couldn’t keep doing it anymore. I was scared to call people and investigate this story. I couldn’t find a way into it. and I just slap didn’t want to try. Officially I’m on leave through the summer.

I know what has caused this. My dissociation is extending further into my life, trying to protect me from hard emotions. Things are looking up with my kids’ situations but they are far from settled. Bob’s medical situation is far from settled. I’ve been through so much trauma since the pandemic started. I’m glad my meds are working to keep me out of the hospital. My prior authorization went through for my Latuda and I am so very grateful for that.

But I couldn’t find any kind of motivation to write–not money, not ambition, not recognition, not change, not helping. The only thing that gives me hope is that I am still writing here and doing well with it. I feel like to write for publication while in this state would be harmful–but I know not writing at all could be deadly. I feel so conflicted giving up–there’s no feeling of relief. I was hoping there would be. Just a sinking feeling. Bob when I told him said he was sorry for me having to go through this and he understood how bad I felt. SO that was a surprise.

I will keep writing here and hopefully other places like BPHope. That won’t end. And I hope I can someday go back to them. So many stories still need to be told. So much work still needs to be done. I want to help, but obviously not enough want-to is there.

Feeling Better Slowly

I’m still going to see Tillie this morning but today has been good so far. Candy and Christy are here and that always perks me up. I called my editor and told her I was going on vacation and confessed how much trouble I was having working but told her I would do my best come Monday to start working again and get her one story but wasn’t sure what I could do after that. She said she understood, but I know she’s disappointed in my level of commitment. She’s worked through chemotherapy for colon cancer and kept working so I really feel awful pulling back.

After I clean up that loose end I hope to start in on the book project. I will call today to the printer and get the last details of printing my thesis nailed down and then be completely done with school except for delivering the thesis. I think I will do all of that through the mail rather than try to drop off the physical copies at the school. I need to officially move on and find a way to live that doesn’t involve school.

I think I will go do that right now before I leave to see Tillie. Thank you all for reading and for your support. I hope all of you receive hope reading through my writing as well. Have a great week.

Errands

Today I go see Dr. Morris for my cholesterol checkup and will ask him about this chest contusion–should I be over it by now or what. I also have to run into Jackson and pick up something for Bob from the cardiologist so he can send his monitor off to be reviewed.

I’m starting to feel some better. Maybe not enough to work, but I am feeling emotions again. So that is a step forward. I still hope to talk to Tillie today to set up an appointment. I hope I can figure this out.

I’m hungry. I am going to take something with me to eat on the way to Baptist to pick up Bob’s stuff. Can’t eat before my check-up so that is that.

My mood is holding. I hope seeing Tillie improves it before we go on vacation. I’m looking forward to that. We’re going to Gatlinburg and just tour around. It’s the first time we wil have been there since the fire several years ago. And we are bringing a friend of my youngest one so she will have someone to talk to in the car, etc. It’s an all-day drive from here.

I’m about to run to my appointment. Hope everyone has a good start to their week. Get the shot if you haven’t already. Godspeed.

Pouring Down

We are having a very rainy day here today. We made it to church and Sunday School in Bob’s new ride, a gunmetal gray Buick Enclave. He bought the last one in the Jackson metro area–while they were doing the paperwork, a call came in from another dealer wanting to trade for it, so if he hadn’t gone when he did, he wouldn’t have gotten it. So he had no room to negotiate at all; they gave him the price and said “Take it or leave it.” So it was really expensive from that standpoint in that he didn’t pay much under sticker price since they had another buyer waiting for it if he didn’t pay what they wanted.

I am so sleepy, but I can’t rest. I’ve just tossed and turned–I may have slept an hour in three hours of lying down. SO I got up and decided to write a bit. I took a new document and pasted in my thesis body without the Letter to the Reader and the Epilogue, and that gave me another thirty pages to play in to make a few of the changes my committee suggested–such as eliminating the LTR and Epilogue. I’m going to take info from the LTR and use it as characterization in other places in the manuscript where someone may need some fleshing out.. I’m going to eliminate some repetition and some remnants of the “self-help” voice that are left. I don’t know when I’m going to feel good enough to work on it–hopefully soon.

I’m trying to come up with a way to feel better–a concrete way. I’ve been in prayer for my kids but don’t know of any other action I can take for them. I can’t keep eating myself into oblivion, and I can’t sleep for whatever reason right now. I would usually play music but my youngest has the TV on, and I don’t want to interrupt her. I may make another appointment with Tillie early this week before our vacation and talk it all out since all this new stuff has happened. And see what she has to say about this new diagnosis.

I think I will make a call to leave her a voice mail right now.

SO that will be good. That’s something concrete I can do for myself to feel better. I am wondering about telling my editor that I just have to pull back from work until I get through all of this and get my equanimity back. I suppose that’s something else I can talk to Tillie about. I don’t want to. It makes me feel hopeless and a failure like it did when I had to quit doing it full-time before. I hate saying it even out loud.

I guess I will run find something to do. All of this is taking a toll on all of us. I know I’m not alone in that aspect. I just want to find a path to wellness again. I hate being numb.

r

New Car, Finally

Bob has left to go buy his new vehicle. I hope there are some still left at the dealership–we are having terrible shortages of all kinds of motor vehicles in the US with production areas having shut down over the past year due to COVID. Hopefully now that people are getting vaccinated and production may be straightened out, by next year, they say the crunch should ease up.

Talked to my oldest yesterday morning and kind of talked out some of my fear with her. I don’t know as it helped me–she shares her daddy’s optimism that everything will work out all right in all situations. I’m emotionally wired for the opposite viewpoint. And I still am not feeling much of anything right now. I just hope it doesn’t keep going or worsen. It is easier not to feel–you don’t have that churning in your stomach about everything going on and your mind whirling around trying to figure out how to cope–you just leave it alone and not react to it at all. I don’t know as that isn’t scarier.

Called and talked to my middle one this morning. She sounded in good spirits but not giddy–which I guess it’s good that she’s on an even keel. She said she had her apartment organized the way she wanted it–she just wanted to decorate this weekend and make it homey. I hope she enjoys that and that she can be happy there. She talked about everyone she is meeting and the different activities she has done, so that sounded good. I think she sounded good as can be expected.

i guess I will wind up since Bob should be back soon to take us out to lunch. Wonder where we will go? I have read beans and rice and Mexican ready to cook for the weekend so we will see how everything goes. One more week until my vaccine period is complete and then I shouldn’t have to worry about COVID again. I’m glad. Get the shots if you haven’t yet. Godspeed.

New Problem

Well, Dr. Bishop said that he didn’t think I was depressed because I kept using the word “numb” to describe my feelings. He said that my brain may have “blown a fuse” and I’ve disassociated instead. I’ve gone somewhere inside myself where I can’t be hurt by everything that’s going on. He said I would just have to wait for it to pass. Unless it got worse. Then to call him back.

SO that was unexpected. I kept feeling worse and worse physically as I drove home, and I had to honk the horn in the garage a few times to get my youngest outside so she could help me out of the car. Then I binged. I ate chocolate bars and microwave popcorn and finished off a bottle of tea. I have not done that in a very long time. But I felt better when I finished, able to move around and cook dinner.

I don’t know what to think. It explains why I’m sleeping all the time and why I am spacing out on social media all day. I’ve taken the imperative to escape one step too far. I’m a little freaked out.

Please pray for all of us.

Trying To Find A Way Out

I’ve called Dr. Bishop and set up an appointment for this afternoon. The past few days we have gotten some really nerve-wracking phone calls from our kids that have just sent me to my knees. But I’m numb and unable to process what all is going on. I can’t even have a good cry. So I think something needs to be done or at some point I will come apart again.

I can’t find a rhyme or reason for what all is going on. I just feel like everything has spun out of control and that I am about to go with it. I understand that there is no reason I have to understand on this side of heaven. I just need to pray and trust God. But especially everything that has happened to my oldest this year has knocked me winding. She’s caught in a vise that’s not her fault and it could affect her for the rest of her life. I know life isn’t fair but it seems to be being especially unfair to her. I don’t even know what to think.

I guess I will close this out now. Please pray for all of us. I want to understand and I just don’t.

Sigh

I feel so out of it. I had to push myself to get out and run errands including medication. Medicare continues sending me incomprehensible letters about payment of our medical claims for the wreck. So I called and am waiting to be called back.

I am so sick of myself. I am depressed for real now, and I know it and have known it and just haven’t had the courage to admit it. I should be seeing Dr. Bishop soon and will ask him to rejigger my meds. Something. I have been fighting so hard not to fall into this and I have anyway. I don’t know what else to do.

Good Morning

I’ve had a long, slow morning. My side is still acting up again in pain, no matter what I do, when I try to go to sleep. I wonder if it will ever get healed up. Most of my bruises are gone. This is the last leftover injury. I wish it would go away.

Candy and Christy came this morning. I had gone up to Columbus with them to read and defend my thesis. They were able to see me read but of course not defend–that was a private meeting between me and my committee. They were so sweet to go with me and cheer me on–they got me a wonderful little grab bag of pampering gifts for me to enjoy in honor of me making it to this milestone. They are great friends.

I need to go to the grocery store this afternoon with my youngest. Bob still doesn’t have a car so he is continuing to take mine to and from work. He is going to try again this weekend. Our trip to Gatlinburg is next week so he needs to have something before then.

My mood is holding up well except the anxiety from the pain and about whatever caused Bob to pass out. I want them to find something that caused it, not a bunch of inconclusive results that make it look like everything is fine. Everything is NOT FINE. He wrecked a vehicle so beyond repair that the salvage shop was holding it together with ropes and masking tape, and he caused a lot of pain for all three of us and a nice hefty medical bill. He’s not fine.

Well, I need to get lunch and see Bob when he comes in. Hope everyone is having a good week. Godspeed.

Therapy

So I talked to Tillie yesterday about being frozen up and worrying if this was finally it–I wouldn’t be able to bounce back into writing after this time. She told me to cut myself a break and take a break. Definitely don’t make any big decisions. She said the accident was probably much more traumatic to my brain that I had realized before. She pointed out that keeping up blogging was writing and a very good job of it. So that helped. I still don’t know what I’m going to do with these stories I said I would do. I may call my editor and officially pull back for a while. I want to write. I just want this fear to go away of picking up the phone and calling people.

I defend my thesis in two days. I am so excited to finally do this! Feels like FOREVER since I turned it in–May has practically CRAWLED by so so slowly. But I’ll go off with Candy and Christy and have a good time with them and then do my business and be happy with it.

I got my second shot yesterday. So far no ill effects at all. I am so thankful! I need to soon go and get my lunch medicine so I don’t miss my pain coverage throughout the day. My pain in my side is still easing down but not enough for me to go without ibuprofen.

Bob will be home in just a bit. Hope everyone has a good holiday weekend. I took the shot; you can, too. Godspeed.