I Can Feel You Praying

I’m serious. I really can.  I talked to Bob last night about how I was feeling, and he said he understood why I was so spazzed out about all of it. I did go to the grocery store and got laundry done, so i did not give in totally to the paralysis of the day. Today is going to be altogether slower so not as much pushing needs to be done.

We are doing something fun–our little state museum has been granted a traveling exhibit of Monet, Van Gogh, Manet, Picasso, etc. and we are going to see it this afternoon!  And i am going to try to pick out a wonderful Expressionist print for my office wall if they sell prints of this exhibit. If not, I’m going to ask my sister to do a large abstract canvas for me for the office. So that will settle the last decorating decision of my office. FUN!

Bob and my youngest are practicing driving this morning–they were going on a long drive today so see if they can build up her endurance for driving a bit. Bob says she is doing well so that was good to hear.

I have a new idea for my beadwork since my fall clothes are really too formal for plastic beading jewelry–I am going to make school colors bracelets and set up  at the Lutheran Craft sale and give them away. Have a basket full of bracelets and another basket for donations and give the donations to the church. It gives me the fun of doing the beading but for a different reason rather than my own collection. So I will start on that soon and call the church and see when I need to sign a vendor form.

So we will see what today brings. Hope everyone is doing well with the virus and staying safe. Godspeed.


So Here It Comes

Now I know I’m heading for a nice little breakdown. I just froze up yesterday.  Couldn’t work in the house, couldn’t get out even though we needed food to cook for the night, everything. I’m still not over it–I haven’t finished any of the laundry. I just want to go back to bed. I haven’t done it yet but that’s what I want to do.

It’s all the uncertainty. The kids being safe going back to school, my oldest still not able to go back to work, what it’s going to be like for my middle one to go back to State, etc. It’s just crashed in on me and I don’t know what to do except fall into a paralysis because I can’t fix it or manage it or handle it in some way.

I’m glad I have sessions with Tillie and Dr. Bishop next week so maybe I can see my way out of this.  I may just have to go through it and not manage to drop all the way down into a deep depression. I’m just scared is all. Just flat out plain out scared. And I’m trying to learn new ways to deal with fear and uncertainty. Seeking refuge in God is important. Doing what I do know what to do to mitigate the situation is important. Taking what steps I can and leaving the results up to God is where I need to be. But it’s so hard.

I just want someone else to take charge and take care of me so I don’t have do anything. Just get in the bed and sleep.  I wonder if this is what happened to Aunt Lena–she just couldn’t do any more so she took to her bed and let other people take care of her for the next fifty years. I don’t know.

I need to run out to the grocery store.  Then after lunch I will tackle the laundry as best as I can. Wish me strength to do just what I need to do.\


I’m Scared

I may be headed for something interesting.  My get-up-and-go seems to have got up and went. I am SO BORED. I have a week and a half until I start thesis hours, they pushed back school for a week for my youngest and it’s going to be hybrid–she’ll only go twice a week and online the rest of the time–I don’t feel like getting involved in reading or a domestic project, and my MCIR work is at at standstill waiting on people to get back in touch with me.  I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Usually that’s a harbinger of depression. I hope not.  I do not want to be depressed. It’s not a good time of year for it and I can’t stand the thought of it. I’m trying to stay busy within those parameters–I am walking and trying to come up with new stories for MCIR as well. Once thesis starts I may have to heel back on work for them after all. I just don’t know.

I think that is one thing that is bothering me-this sense of the unknown that is coming down on me. After I finish thesis will I be able to keep writing and try to put out a good book and get it sold? WIll I be able to continue to good work for MCIR? What is my youngest going to do about college? Are things ever going to get back to semi-normal? It’s a lot of existential questions, and I hate those. I can’t control these things–they are best left up to God and I’m trying to do that. But they keep intruding on my consciousness.

So pray that time passes for me quickly the next few days so that I don’t have time hanging so heavy on my hands and mind. I just need to find a way to occupy my mind and my time. Thanks for any prayers and good feelings you can send my way.


Shipped Out

My oldest is on her way back to Florida. I wasn’t weepy I think because she left so early I wasn’t awake enough to be weepy. But Bob and I gave her a big hug and sent her on her way.

(NOW I’m weepy.)

I don’t have much of a schedule today. I need to take my youngest’s computer from the school and have it looked at or switched out–it can’t keep a charge. So we will see what happens there.

I need to get ready and face the day, such as it is. I wish I had planned something to keep my mind occupied, but I didn’t. So we will see how things go. Hope everyone has a good day and stays safe.





Just found out that my editor, Debbie, had surgery for colon cancer. She’s going to be off for a while and I will work with the big dog, the founder of MCIR. Hope that goes well.

Hopefully the rest of the day will go better after that bad news.

There’s been a bunch of bad news. Four couples out of my Sunday School class have tested positive  for coronavirus.  That’s eight people we know.  Very sad.

The clock is counting down until school starts. I hope we have some kind of handle on coronavirus before that because I fear it will jump up again after that.

I need to get to work writing.  Looking at my thesis with an ever more critical eye. I want it as polished as I can get it by myself before I send it off to my advisor. Hope everyone is staying safe and well.




I am having sinus issues this morning. Blowing my nose and sneezing my head off. I am trying to get fluids in me to see if that helps.  Orange juice this morning and all that.

I got back into Mary Karr last night.  It is reading much better than earlier. Maybe since I’m thinking straight now it will go better. I still have a few others I’m going to read through as soon as I can–the TinHouse craft book and another. But I’ve got until August 17 to do that so I don’t feel like it will be hard.

Today my youngest starts band practices.  It’s not like usual band camp–she’s only going twice a week and only doing it from 5-8 p.m. each night. I don’t know how they’re going to earn that much of their show in that time frame, but the directors are doing the best they can with the limitations they’ve got.

The interesting thing will of course be school in a few weeks. I am really dreading that since we have elected to drive her back and forth instead of letting her ride the bus. Hopefully that will cut down on her exposure. But it won’t help me to have to get her there so early and pick her up as well.

Not sure what I’m going to do today. I am very sleepy with my sinuses and don’t  really feel like doing a lot. I need to do some writing but just can’t get up the gumption to do it this morning. I think I will go back and lie down until the sinus medicine kicks in and makes me feel better. Hope everyone else is doing well.  Godspeed.



So I dug some more details out of Bob yesterday.  He and Allen were both masked, it was in the parking lot of Sam’s, and they stayed apart.  So we are not panicking at this point. Yet. We will keep an eye on him. He told the situation to his work and they didn’t send him home either. So we will see if he is okay or not. He’ll get tested quickly if he starts to display symptoms. And we will pray as so many of you are doing.

I go see TIllie today for therapy. Then tonight my youngest attempts band practice again.  Then tomorrow she goes for a filling repair at the dentist, Thursday I do an interview with a source, and Friday I meet Jo for brunch and interview her for my story. Busy week.

I’m still plugging away at my thesis revisions. I think I have one particular knotty problem figured out. I have two essays at the end of my manuscript that really belong at the beginning. I think I am going to do one as a prologue/letter to the reader, then another as the second essay. I will make those changes this morning and then see how it reads.

Hope everyone is doing well today. We are right now as a family and hope to stay that way. Everyone be careful of this virus.



Bob’s Been Exposed

to the coronavirus Friday. He saw a guy in Sam’s who tested positive along with his wife.  I got an email from our Sunday School class teacher and called Bob to let him know. I don’t know what we’re going to do.


Good Morning!

Hopefully today will be a good day. I got to feeling really funny about lunchtime yesterday–I wondered if my blood sugar was dropping.  We don’t have much sweet in the house so I drank a cup of hot chocolate and felt better. By the time dinner got here I felt fine and went to church for LifeGroup class. But that was a disquieting moment.

I finally got my bead stringing done for a new bracelet last night.  It kept unraveling the knot.  I finally got it to tie though and wore it to church.  I’m not sure if I’ll make one for today’s outfit in time to go see Tillie; we will see.

Debbie my editor gave me some new names to contact for one of my stories so I will work on that at some point today–I hope I can get up my gumption to work on it at some point.  I felt so bad physically most of the day I barely got any thing done yesterday.

I suppose I will wind up and get ready for my appointment. Hope everyone is doing well this morning and stays safe today.


Went to church for the first time in months but could barely sit still through it.  Laying down helped after I took an early half-klonopin. I’m scared I’m going to have to go to the hospital if my mind starts spinning again.  I don’t know if I wait for Dr. Bishop.