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I had sent a query to NAMI Blog about an upcoming emphasis in September about the impact of suicide–I wanted to write about what I went through when someone close to me attempted suicide–and I blamed myself. They said they would like to look at it, so I sent what I have. Not sure if it completely suits the theme, but we will see.

I’m getting laundry ready to pack tonight and get ready to go on our big vacation to Wisconsin. I will work tomorrow morning from home and get everything ready at work to be out and then we’ll head out after Bob comes home. So that’s the way it’s going to work.

I can’t tell if I’m heading for mania or just waking up from being shut down while going through my most dangerous period of the year. I hope it’s not mania. I am trying to keep it tamped down but don’t know if that’s healthy either. I didn’t get in to see Tillie today–we played a lot of phone tag. But we will see if she can see me when we get back from our trip, and I might have more data to work with if I keep an eye on myself and my emotions.

I suppose that’s it. Need to finish laundry and see what else i can accomplish tonight. Hope everyone has a good day and week–posting will be light while I’m gone–but I do plan to type a bit. Godspeed to all.

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We saw my middle daughter this morning for breakfast then headed back home. We could not have had a better time with them. We did fun things and had a good time and good family bonding.

But I realized something on the trip.

I am not content, really. I’m comfortably numb. I’m not using food to stuff my feelings down anymore, and whenever they start to bubble up, I tamp them down and ignore them. That’s not healthy either.

I’m not sure what to do about it. I plan to talk to Bob about it this afternoon or tonight. Not sure when.

I do think it’s why I’m avoiding writing (and even reading) right now. I don’t want to feel vulnerable on the page. I don’t want to hurt in any way. I don’t want to feel the uncomfortable feelings again so I am trying to mute them and keep them punched down. I don’t have enough confidence in my coping skills to let all my feelings loose.

This was a very good insight to have, but not a happy one. In fact, it a darn depressing thought. It’s why I’m not risking anything–I don’t want the feelings of vulnerability and failure.

Traveling

I typed a post earlier and it didn’t post when I hit publish. Odd, that.

We went to see the live action Little Mermaid, and I actually enjoyed it. I did not, however, expect the character of Prince Eric to affect me so much. He reminded me so much of myself in a manic episode when he was obsessed with finding “the girl”. I will remember his new signature song for a long time.

My middle daughter seems to be doing well. My youngest is going to spend the night to have some sister time. Me and Bob are just hanging out at the hotel watching Harry Potter.

Typing on my phone so good night

Still Spinning

I tried chilling out this weekend with my middle daughter visiting, and the visit went really well. But today I was still having problems concentrating. I don’t know what is going on, but I have a call in with Dr. Bishop to see if I need to increase my Abilify or what. I don’t really feel very stable right now. I’m not suicidal or otherwise, so going to the hospital won’t do any good. I just need direction on what to do.

Having Trouble

Please pray.

What Can We Do?

A friend of mine recently faced the dilemma of what to do with a family member experiencing psychiatric issues. Looking for long-term care as he was no longer safe to be in the family home.

Guess what?

There isn’t any. Not in the Southeast, at least.

He didn’t have dementia or Alzheimer’s. He’s in good physical health. He has no substance abuse issues. He just has a very severe mental health issue, too serious for outpatient care but not checking any of the boxes for long-term facility care.

What do people do? How to care for someone whose condition blinds them to the reality of their mental state?

The more I observe these situations, the more I see that I was bloody lucky, bloody blessed, and bloody privileged to be able to see that I needed help, and to be articulate enough to ask for it in what was deemed a socially acceptable way, and able to understand what I was being told about myself and my condition, and able to afford care with good insurance, and able to find competent doctors and therapists, and, and, and, and.

If all those dominos had not fallen into place in my life in just the right way, I might be dead today. I don’t know why it went that way for me and doesn’t for others. But I recognize that in my life and want to find a way to bottle it and spread it around to help others. I do that the best I can with what I know.

But I recognize how hard and difficult and frustrating this is.

Why can’t the decision makers see this as well and try to do something effective about it? I just don’t understand.

Psoriasis Treatment Plan

So I went to the dermatologist and explained my problem with my ears, pinnas, scalp, neck, etc. He put me on a biologic called Otezla that has to be titrated up to a full dose over a few days and talked about the side effects–two of which could be depression and anxiety.

I looked at him and said, “I’m bipolar.”

He said he saw that in my chart. So he told me if I started feeling bad, to just stop it altogether. Throw the pills away; don’t keep trying to push through it. The other side effects could be headache, nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. Ick.

So I explained to my boss that I needed to try to ride these side effects out at home instead of coming into the office tomorrow and Wednesday this week as well as next, and he said it wasn’t a problem. SO that was a relief.

I also got a cream for my face and a prescription shampoo. I have been using one with the same ingredient except over-the-counter, so he bumped it up to a prescription strength. FUN. I hate washing my hair with that stuff.

So now I just get to see what happens.

Change in Plans

A bit of sad news this morning–my middle daughter called and said she had been vomiting all morning and wouldn’t be able to come visit this weekend because she couldn’t make the drive as weak and sick as she felt. We assured her that was fine and to take care of herself. We haven’t heard from her again, so hopefully she is feeling better. Her boyfriend is there to help take care of her so we are not worried on that front. But it is sad she is missing out on her birthday presents for a bit.

Otherwise we have had a good day. Me and the youngest picked out the new TV yesterday afternoon and Bob and she hooked it up this morning so we have shows again. Other than that we haven’t done a whole lot.

So glad to see a lot of new readers coming here through finding me at BPHope; they featured one of my blogs in their daily direct emails; welcome and feel free to look around a bit! I don’t post in a really structured way here–I just write about my like and how it’s going living with bipolar disorder. Thanks for dropping by and feel free to subscribe!

Bob is having some severe anxiety dreams–one kept him up most of the night last night. I still want him to get help, and maybe they will get bad enough that he does. I wish he wouldn’t just hold it all in. I know he is suffering and for him to see how helpful counseling has been for me through all my depressions and anxiety yet reject it for himself is very confusing to me. I just don’t understand.

I suppose that’s all for today. Please pray that my middle one will get better and it’s just some kind of 24 hour thing. My momma heart wants to help but it’s hard to do that from two states away. God bless.

Can We Just Stop Doing One Little Thing?

Can we stop describing politicians we don’t like as “crazy” or “mentally ill”?

It’s giving those of us with serious mental illness a bad name–and medicalizing some very dangerous behavior by those who are supposed to be working on the citizenry’s behalf.

Even at my most paranoid and deluded, I have never said or done anything such as the antics we see pulled by politicians of all stripes these days. It’s becoming mind-boggling.

By the name of all that is holy, just STOP.

What I Did

I took several steps to get out of the anxiety spin I was in yesterday:

I turned on soothing instrumental music.

I talked to my husband.

I took my anxiety rescue medication.

I chatted with a friend online about how I was feeling.

She directed me to some YouTube meditation videos–where instead of closing my eyes and trying to visualize somewhere peaceful (which I can’t do), I listened to a calm voice guiding me to relaxation while watching gentle ocean waves hit the beach on the video.

I cried.

I took a bath without scrolling on my cell phone.

Then I went to bed early.

All of it helped in the moment and I feel so much better today.