Better

Today started off badly again–I got up late, left the house later, and got caught in a traffic jam that I would have avoided if I had gotten up on time, and was 10 minutes late for work.

But I handled it well. I called ahead and told my boss I was caught in traffic and would be late, then once I got in, I just hunkered down and worked and didn’t let it bother me. I got some really good work done that I hope will up the blog traffic my agency gets from Facebook and Twitter once it’s implemented properly–we had to do a little tweaking to get it right but it worked out! So that felt good.

Just trying to plow through and get things done.

Tomorrow it will have been a year since I started working for UPM! I have really enjoyed it so far and like the work I do and the people I work with a lot. I’ve done some good work. I just need to keep going and doing whatever comes along :).

I feel good in that I’m not letting my initial bad mood or things going wrong early in the day ruin the entire day. I’m picking myself up and fighting off the bad vibes and salvaging the situation. And that is a definite win for me. Bipolar can be so all-encompassing. But not right now. And that is a blessing.

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A Day

Had kind of a frustrating day. A lot went on with work and other things, and it wasn’t all good. But tomorrow should be a better day–I hope.

I definitely still feel a bit unmoored. Like I’m just drifting along. not heading in a specific direction. I am thinking about trying to do another appointment with Tillie on Friday. I will see how tomorrow goes and pull the trigger on that idea if it’s another bad day.

I need to learn to bounce back in attitude myself when things don’t go well. Sometimes I’m able to harness the power of positive thinking; sometimes I’m not. I need to do it more consistently, so a bad day doesn’t turn into a bad week. But I am trying to look up after today and resolve to do better tomorrow.

I think I did a good thing yesterday–i got an email from my boss at MCIR about a journalism student that needed help with an assignment for a class, and I was able to help some. We kicked around questions all yesterday afternoon, and I hope her assignment went well today.

Oof. I guess that’s all I have to say today. Like i said, not a really good day I want to dwell on for any longer than necessary. Please pray that I will get my act together. Godspeed to all.

Not Feeling Right

I’m back to just wanting to lie in the bed and go back to sleep.

I’ve got loads of things that need doing and I just don’t want to do them.

I DO want to eat myself into oblivion. I’m not even hungry. I just want to eat.

I spent the rest of Friday and all day Saturday after the competition just vegging out.

I don’t like being this way.

Just Kicking Around

Had kind of a weird day today. Again with the very scattered attention span. Couldn’t settle down into just doing one thing because other action items kept coming up. I will have to do better tomorrow to stay caught up on stuff.

I’m still scatter-brained this evening. I need to work on laundry and get that done, but I also want to do some computer work, so I kind of have two opposing forces going. I will probably do the computer work first and do the laundry last.

What I don’t need to do is be mindless about how I spend my time. I need to concentrate and pay attention to what I am doing and what I am accomplishing. I don’t need the contented feeling to make me complacent. I need to be involved in what I am doing and not checked out. And today I felt checked out. I guess that’s the best phrase for it.

My mood is good. I am not having the sleepiness, depression, or sadness. And I’m not carried away or manic either. So all of that is good. I have another BPHope post coming due, so I will be working on that this weekend. And Bob has a colonoscopy on Friday morning. So I will be taking care of him for most of the day, but that’s not usually too stressful. He’s just a bit loopy on the medication afterwards. So be thinking about him going through that.

Godspeed to all.

Better

I feel better this morning. I did get my BPHope post done and sent off. I just had to grit my teeth and grind my way through it. Not because I wanted to, but because I said I would do it. And now that I have I feel better.

Doesn’t hurt that I’m listening to praise music this morning. Elvis’ music always helps :).

I do go see Tillie in just a bit and hope that will help me work my way through whatever this slump is. I feel so glad that I have an appointment at just the right time. That is such a good feeling.

I think I am feeling flickers of hope that this down period won’t last long. And that’s a good thing.

Still

My feelings haven’t changed from last night. I am seeing Tillie tomorrow and going to talk about this feeling. So I will have some support to sort this out. I am working fine and going through the motions fine. I can talk to my family in a general way and connect with them. But I can’t write or do anything else that requires complex thought.

I don’t recall ever feeling this way without other symptoms, such as sleepiness, sadness, suicidal. I’m not suicidal. I’m just . . .bored? Not like usual. A lot of times when I’m bored it’s because there isn’t anything to engage my mind with. I have plenty of activities to do that engage my mind–reading, writing, work, etc. What I don’t have is motivation to do them, and I miss the intrinsic drive inside to do . . . interesting things? I just want to scroll on social media and . . not think about anything.

Well, maybe if I talk it out with Tillie, I will figure it out. I hope so. I don’t like this feeling. I’m scared.

Losing My Mind

My mind feels so, so empty.

I don’t know why.

I have nothing to say? I’m not sure that’s the problem. But it feels like it’s true.

I just feel so down and tired and wrung out right now.

Hope everyone else’s day is going better than mine.

I’m even resentful of predictive text. How do you know what I’m going to say when I even don’t know what I’m going to say?

Good night.

Trying to Finish What I’m Doing

I finally just now got to my computer. I have been busy today–I worked, and I did laundry, and I cooked dinner, nd I sorted some laundry, and, and, and. Very busy. I need to spend tomorrow at work doing some odds and ends–I did news releases today and will wait on the publicists to get back to me with them; that will probably take a couple of days. I need to file reviews, compile complimentary exam copy orders, and fill in missing items to digital review kits. Very much work to do. But it’s all good. Job security!

I need to finish my BPHope blog post tonight. I am having a hard time with it for some reason. I know what I want to say, but I want to say it right as well. I want to be positive, not negative. I may just have to send it in and ask that it be edited for positivity because for some reason, my brain is not cooperating with what I want to write. 😦 I don’t know what the problem is.

I am trying to stay on an even keel. I feel pretty good in general, but I know it’s a fragile feeling, and I could shift in either direction very easily. It’s just that time of year.

My oldest called tonight–the funeral for her father-in-law was this morning. She said it went well, better than she expected. I just hope they were all able to be a comfort to each other. She said she though having the baby there helped brighten the mood a bit. He’s going to miss his Pop in the short term; he spent a lot of time with his other grandparents than he’s been able to spend with us. But he won’t even remember anything about him when he gets older, most likely. My grandfather died when i was four, and I remember him barely. My grandson is a few months away from two years old, so that’s just how it’s going to be.

Well, let’s see if I can finish up my work. Godspeed to all. Good night.

Fallout From the Day

So we are not going to Florida–the funeral is going to be Tuesday, and my oldest said that they are taking the baby to the service; it’s just going to be graveside and that’s it. So that’s that. We don’t want to be underfoot if we can’t help in some concrete way. So we will pray instead and help what we can from afar.

My evaluation at work went well. I haven’t had a meeting like that in over twenty years; I used to be evaluated at my old state job but I never was in any danger of a poor one because I mastered the job so quickly. This one was much more personal since they typically don’t do evaluations for part-time workers, but I just wanted to get a feel for what was coming up in my job and how they felt things were going. And they were very complimentary of everything I had worked on, my work ethic, my up-frontness about how the job was working out for me, my willingness to take on new duties, etc. I’m not sure what all is in the future, but I hope this does become a recurring event and I eventually can get promoted once my youngest goes off to college. I plan to keep doing a good job and staying active in handling difficulties and problems.

We have a quiet weekend planned–we will go eat lunch together Saturday and go to the comic-book store probably then as well. We need to start shopping for our youngest’s birthday as well while she is out of town, but we are usually just at a loss for what to get her since it’s so close to Christmas, where she got an awful lot of stuff. But we will see how it goes. I’m sure we will figure out something, however.

I have been very lazy today. I have laundry going and have plans to cook dinner, a very simple, warm soup is on the menu tonight. I need to get back into the habit of cooking for two seeing as that’s how we will soon be eating. Being from a sizable family, so many of my recipes just cook big. But Bob doesn’t like eating leftovers. So I usually wind up with them for lunch. But it’s all good regardless.

I suppose that’s it for today. Hope everyone is having a good new year so far. I am, more or less. I am sticking to many of my resolutions and trying to improve on others. Thanks as always for reading. Godspeed.

Sad News

My oldest daughter called Bob today and told that her father-in-law passed away today. As far as they know now, he had a heart attack. Very sad news, and we are wondering if we need to go down and provide some support–keeping the baby during a funeral, etc. We feel a bit helpless not knowing what to do from so far away.