I visited my friend MJ today over brunch, and we started talking about our lives, and I shared with her how my colonoscopy last year and not being on my meds for 24 hours affected me. When I told her about my half-hearted attempt at suicide, her eyes got big.
After I finished, she said, “You need to stop. You have been trying to kill yourself for a long time, and one day you just might do it. You need to stop.”
That set me back on my heels.
She went on.
“I don’t want to live in a world without you in it.”
That shocked me even more.
No one has ever said such to me. Not my husband, or my children, or anyone.
I thought about her statement all the drive home.
She’s right. I do need to take suicide off the table as an option.
All my life I have tried to escape situations that distressed me. I realize now that I have thought of it as the ultimate get-out-of-jail card. The last plan.
I need to decide to live. And stick to it.
And stop trying to run away from my problems.
Please pray for me to make that commitment: to live. No matter what happens.
I want to take a moment to brag on myself. I started this blog in September 2014. I have been blogging now for seven and a half years. Many other people blogging about bipolar disorder around the same time I started have moved on to doing other work and have just about given up the blogging life. I’ve considered joining them–not posting as much, maybe posting just when something significant occurs, maybe just saying goodbye to it and closing down altogether.
But I get so much out of doing it. Many of my essays I have gone on to publish started out as blog posts. It was sometimes the only writing I was doing, during those low points when I despaired of ever writing another word someone else would want to read. But my readers stuck with me through it all; the doubt, the anger, the days when I just wanted to give up on life itself. This blog has been there.
The past two years have been phenomenal for my writing. I started writing for MCIR. I finished my degree with a completed memoir. I wrote personal columns that went all across the state and region, and I started blogging for BP Hope about my disorder. And now I see on Feedspot (see the link down low on the right side of my blog) that Day By Day is considered a top-twenty bipolar blog.
Thanks for all of these very satisfactory years of reaching people with my lived experience and hope that things could be better.
My oldest had her first child at 1:30 am this morning at 8 pounds and 3 ounces. They told us it would probably be today so we went out shopping for baby stuff yesterday–clothes, supplies, diapers, etc. I had been good for so long and hadn’t shopped so now we have some gifts to bring to the hospital. We are going down probably this afternoon part of the way so we can see him and my oldest and her husband tomorrow on and off through the day. Run errands for them, etc. Whatever we can do to help. My oldest says he is hungry and wiggly. I told her that made sense as far as what he was like in the womb, kicking all the time.
We got two pictures my son-in-law sent us of him all wrapped up, in one he is either yawning or yowling, and other he looks nice and peaceful. Eyes are shut. I look forward to seeing him all a wake tomorrow and playing with him.
Well I guess I will go pack. Such a nice peaceful morning. Love to all.
My oldest went to the hospital last night with more contractions and they sent her home again. She went to see her doctor today for her regularly scheduled appointment and he had a fit when she said she was sent her home last night from the regular hospital. So he sent her to a DISNEY hospital and told them to admit her because she was going to have the baby within 24-48 hours. So we will go down Friday and come back Tuesday, which will give us two days of travel and two days with them. They’re no longer talking about the NICU so the baby must be really healthy.
I had to rearrange my appointment schedule and had to sign my youngest up for a sports physical as soon as they could get us in. So life is going to be a bit topsy-turvy for a while. Bob is staying home with me this afternoon because I’m a bit stunned. I literally cannot envision myself as a grandma. I’m 50 almost 51 so it’s not too early to be a grandma, but I still have a child at home! I was hoping for some more time after she got out of the house. But here we are.
I need to go do some laundry, then I think it is high time to go out and do some baby shopping. I’ve been good and not bought anything, but it is time now. Hope everyone has a great day!
My alma mater has been in the cellar of SEC sports pretty much since the SEC was organized. Everyone needed someone to beat up on, so Mississippi State University was admitted as a charter member of the SEC. We’ve never won a national championship in anything–football, basketball, golf, tennis, volleyball–you name it.
Ever since Ron Polk took over the program years and years ago, he has worked to make Mississippi State baseball a force to reckon with. and he had–we had ten appearances at the College World series during his tenure. Under the current coach, Chris Lemonis, we have gone to Omaha three years in a row.
And last night we won it all.
Twenty-thousand State fans came to the game. That is just about the same number population-wise as the entire population of Starkville, MS, their hometown. And they watched Mississippi State not only shut Vanderbilt University offense down with no score, they watched two pitchers hold Vanderbilt to one hit in nine innings. That’s about as close to perfection as it gets without achieving it. But they did something better–they did it in the final championship game of the COLLEGE WORLD SERIES IN OHMAHA, NEBRASKA. NATIONAL CHAMPIONS.
And the camera man turned to find Ron Polk in the VIP Box–white-haired, weak, but standing up for his beloved program with tears in his eyes.
Bob was so sweet for this milestone birthday and got me a lovely ring! It’s a little tight, but it won’t fall off my finger for sure. I’m going to try to wear it all the time, but it was too tight to go on this morning so I will try again later. My youngest got my a Snoopy pillow to go in my office. So that will be fun!
We’re going to do more celebrating this weekend when my middle one comes home to visit this weekend. We will have so much fun!
Now I really need to start writing on some touchy stuff in my thesis So that will be hard to work on. We’ll see what we can come up with this morning in my writing session.
So I suppose I need to get started. We will see what we come up with this morning. Hope everyone has a good day and stays safe from the virus. Godspeed.
THe big 5-0 is here! And I could not be happier with my life at this moment. Candy and Christy came over to share birthday cake and brought me a bunch of goodies to snack on. (I will share. I’m not that selfish,) Then I went and got my hair shaped up a bit more and Holly took me out to eat at Fernando’s.
We’re going out to eat as a family Saturday night when my middle one can come join us. I have enjoyed my day terrifically so far and am going to end it out doing some more writing on my thesis, I think.
I got everything turned in for my thesis work this week so I will be waiting to see what Ellen Ann has to say tomorrow. Next week I send in new material and see how that goes. I am excited about it. I can’t believe I never wrote about this period before. It’s been tough to go into but fairly easy to write. So we will see how this afternoon goes.
I guess I will go ahead and wind up. I’m standing tall and feeling good today. May it continue to be so. Hope everyone else has a great day as well!
Happy Birthday to my middle one! She turns 20 today and is such a cool kid. She’s smart, driven, and moving and shaking the world she travels in. I haven’t talked to her today because she has finals throughout the day but will call tonight and wish her a happy birthday. She’s already gotten her birthday presents from us when she came down Easter so that was fun.
Again, it’s been a wild ride being her mom as well. SHe trips and falls and is klutzy in a mild way–her first injury was rolling off our bed one night and breaking her leg when she was eight months old. You haven’t lived until you’ve gone around with a baby in a big pink cast. 🙂 People stared and whispered until we just stopped going out. But she’s made it pretty good since then with only minor injuries here and there.
We couldn’t be prouder of her and what she’s accomplished in school and in life and we look forward to whatever’s coming. See you in a few days, Little Bit. We love you!
My oldest turned 23 today at Disney World–she worked early shift and has the rest of the day to enjoy her birthday. I am so blessed to her mom. She is feisty, funny, and honest and almost always gives us sparks of joy whenever we talk to her. We just wished her a happy birthday so we did get to talk to her on her birthday. I was thinking this morning how she was actually born on a Sunday, right after church was getting out, and we started calling our friends to let them know and everyone was still out to lunch 🙂
It’s not always been easy being a mom–I second-guessed myself a lot as a mother in some decisions we made–for me to continue working, for us to send her to public school, to not lean on her about her grades like we were done, etc. And I continue to pray every day that bipolar disorder will not attack her and her sisters like it did me.
But in the end, we always came back to the fact that we knew her and our other two better than anyone else did and we would know what was best for our own kids as long as we prayed about it and thought hard and long about why we made the decisions we made.
I know how blessed she is to be able to live her dream out right now in this time of her life, and I pray that she continues strong on whatever path God has set her on. Happy Birthday again from Mom and Dad .
(And day after tomorrow I’ll wish happy birthday to my middle one–stay tuned!)
Check out my new vlog entry at the YouTube channel “Julie Whitehead”. I explain the basics of bipolar disorder and what a mood disorder is like for me. I’ll see you all next Saturday when we get back.