“I’ve seen you move! You move the mountains! And I believe I’ll see you do it again! You made a way where there was no way, and I believe I’ll see you do it again! I’ll see you do it again!”
–“Do It Again”, Elevation Worship
Went to church last night and got a really good sermon on just the issue I have uncovered in therapy–about trusting God when you’re in a trial. I prayed that God can take what’s been uncovered in my life and change it to where I trust in him, not in a person, whether it’s Bob or just whoever is handy. I really hope I can make this trust a reality in my life, which likely means some trials are coming my way soon. I’m not looking forward to that, but if it takes that to put trust in God and not a man, then I suppose I’ll just have to go through it to thoroughly learn the lesson.
I don’t know what this means for the fiction I write. ALl my stories have heroines that have followed the same pattern as I have, falling into a trial or temptation and getting involved with a man or looking for validation in a man the same way I have been. I’ve always been puzzled at the reactions that my heroines get when people read my fiction, but it’s because I was programmed that way as a child and didn’t know that other people don’t think that way. Now that I know what kind of impulse I have been writing out of, I don’t know if I can find other subjects for my fiction and create more believable characters. I will have to pray about that as well.
Please pray for me that I can make this faith journey without putting other people in my life into jeopardy. That I can make it real in my life in the small things to be prepared for bigger things likely down the road,
I feel like ever since the sermon last night about going through a storm in your life, I have been locked in a spiritual battle. I couldn’t go to sleep last night so I prayed so hard until I finally did pass out. I know what I believe God’s will for my life is. I’m just impatient to start realizing it. I need to get small things published in order to get big things published. I need to write what God tells me to write, just like the prophets in the Bible did. But I feel stuck in a rut of a) self-determination and b) unbelief that I can’t get out of.
Old habits die hard. I’m used to pushing, moving, and shaking to make things happen in my life. This waiting is driving me straight up the wall. I prayed so hard last night for clarity–some kind of light in the darkness. It hasn’t come yet. I know everything I write here reaches somebody that needs to hear it. I am doing really, really well considering my diagnosis of bipolar disorder and my history of it. Maybe I should be satisfied with that.
But I’m so restless. And bored. And tired of feeling like a parasite. I want to somehow earn my way back into a productive life. I feel like God wouldn’t have given me the desire to do more if I didn’t have the ability and the fortitude to do it. But the impatience is starting to get the better of me. I’m scared that in my desire to do SOMETHING I’ll end up doing the wrong thing.
All this to say–pray for me. I need a breakthrough to confirm I’m on the right path, however winding it is. Or I might just lose faith in the path altogether. I don’t want to drop out of the Christian life. I want to do God’s will. But I need clarity of how to do it.
Back to high energy, which started last night. TOok me forever to fall asleep last night, and I am awake this morning. I’ve finished decorating for the Christmas Party and have started on my Christmas cards–I did all of Bob’s work cards and am about to start on my Sunday School class cards. WE’re going to need new cards–these I bought on sale last year at the Hallmark Store and I’m almost out already. They’re Snoopy cards! 🙂 Hopefully I can find some more like them for my family.
Last night’s sermon was so applicable to what I’ve been going through. I went and accused the pastor of reading my blog :). He talked about how Rachel and Leah, Jacob’s wives, competed for him and his love by having children and how their identity got bound up in that, which was the only status symbols available to them in that time. Leah wanted Jacob’s love but didn’t get it no matter how many children she had, so God brought her to where she finally realized God was what she needed. Rachel had Jacob’s love but it wasn’t enough–she wanted children like Leah had. And God had to bring her to a place of brokenness to where she realized all she had was GOd–and he was what she needed.
What this tells me is that I’m not going to find my identity anywhere but in Jesus and be satisfied. Not in publishing or in motherhood competition or anywhere else. I need to keep reminding myself of that and doing what I can operating out of that truth. So. We will see what GOd does with this truth in my life.
Today went fairly well considering how tired I’ve been. I got all my laundry cleaned up yesterday and will work on Bob’s tomorrow. I worked up dinner, nothing very complicated tonight after doing something fairly complex last night. BUt I’m trying.
That is the most frustrating thing–I keep trying and trying and feel like I am getting nowhere in my life. I just asked God flat out this afternoon what was I supposed to be doing RIGHT NOW. And I got the scripture from Ecclesiastes 3 1-8. “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to uproot. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build. A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to scatter stone and a time to gather them. A time to embrace and a time to refrain. A time to search and a time to give up. a time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”
So okay. I know that. l get that. But what is it you want me to do now? What season am I in? I still don’t know the answer. All I know is how to put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can.
That summer, on our anniversary, I game Bob the gift I had bought him in March—a Swiss watch with his initials and our twentieth anniversary date engraved on the back of it. I told him I had bought it was a symbol of all our time together, but now that I knew we had been unequally yoked for so long, I wanted it to be a symbol of the future where we would truly be one united in marriage with God as the head of our household.
I’m not going to say everything has been easy after that. I still at times made snap decisions without consulting with God first. But I knew now to ask forgiveness and go back to God and ask him what to do. Most often the answer I got to most questions was “wait.” In March 2014 I fell into another depression, where I again started to question God’s presence in my life. But there were crucial differences in this depression and others—I had no desire to kill myself, and I had the strength to keep functioning day after day without resorting to sleep or other means of escape. Instead, I wrote an essay about how I was doing, day to day, living with bipolar disorder the best I could. I sent it to a secular journal to see what they had to say about it.
I stayed out of the hospital even though I was simply plodding along now, waiting for the depression to lift. I changed medications again, and finally in May I woke up one morning feeling decent for the first time in many, many days. I thanked God for bringing me through it and went on about my life—again with the awareness that something was different, and that something was Jesus. In early September, I got a personal response from the journal that said the piece I had written about bipolar disorder was very good but too narrow in focus for their publication.
I read over it, and although I was initially a little upset, I saw that the audience for this piece really wasn’t the ordinary reader—it was for people who suffered from bipolar disorder who needed some hope that life could somehow be better for them than mania on one end and depression on the other. So I started on this story and the blog, praying and hoping to possibly reach that audience somehow, somewhere. . Within two weeks, I had over 100 page views on the new blog and comments from people on how reading my story was helping them. I felt had found an audience that wanted to read what I had to say.