I know I usually don’t post on Sundays, but today was unusual enough that I feel a need to. I have truly been struggling as of late as to what my path is supposed to look like. Longtime readers of this blog know that I have tried for a long time just to focus on the day in front of me, to survive it, because it felt like all I could do.
Now I am in a better place with my diagnosis. I felt like I could try to plan for the future, figure out where I needed to be and what I needed to be doing. Part of that was getting my MFA. I knew that was the next thing. But now I’m getting close to finishing, and I’ve felt a leading to go ahead and plan what the NEXT next thing would be.
I still have that “nice maybe” opportunity glistening out there for me, but I’m having to wait for some dominoes to fall into place for it to happen. I am having to wait on God for that to happen, and I am getting terribly impatient with it. So impatient that I’ve spent the past week praying silently for something, anything to happen to show me that I was on the right track. That I haven’t wasted my entire life trying to write and help others through that writing. ALmost to the point of unhealthy fixation I have been praying for a sign.
So today’s sermon really hit me between the eyes. It was about what to do when you feel like giving up. And I was on the edge of my seat, listening for the answers. Because this week I have considered giving up, in more ways that one. I had worried myself literally sick, mentally and physically. SO I listened.
I got the answer I was looking for–God is in charge. Don’t give up. Get back to work. And know that God is working his plan, not yours. So I am back to focusing on just every single day trying to do the next thing to be done that day. Because I can’t be trusted to look beyond that. I end up just like Elijah in the text today, wanting to quit everything because it’s not being done on my timetable. My stability seems to depend on not looking too far ahead and not focusing on what could come about as the result of my own strength. But on working on God’s timetable and being patient.
So I went down and asked for prayer for clarity and for patience for God to work out whatever he wants to work out in my life. If my weakness is impatience, I’m certainly aware of it, and know I need for God to work on it every single day. So pray for me to be 1) patient and 2) obedient to whatever I am called to do.
I feel a peace today that I haven’t felt in months. I need patience and obedience. I know that God knows my heart and how I feel about my calling to write and how frustrated I have been. But I can’t keep building castles in the air about my life. I need to focus on the simplicity of every day as I go through it, doing whatever I am called to that day. God has his hand on it all–today and tomorrow and the time to come. Pray for this peace to continue and for me to continue to pray through my frustrations and spiritual aches and pains. Thank you for your prayers.