Now all I have left is a persistent stomachache. I still don’t know why. it feels like you feel when you do too many sit-ups in a row. (No, i haven’t been doing sit-ups).

I think I am just going to relax today. Watch a movie or two. And take a nap. Love to all.

I Want to Know What’s Wrong With Me

And I finally threw up in the middle of the night.

I haven’t been well since the first of the year.

I am getting very frustrated. I am trying to vent my feelings here and get them out and not hold them in. I am trying to use my coping skills to not be anxious. But I’m getting sicker every time. It’s getting close to my father-in-law’s death anniversary, and I can’t be like this because everyone will be upset enough for that.

And it might not be anxiety. That thought is not helping. It might be something actually physically wrong. I am going ot give it until I see my stomach doctor again in April and see what it going on then.

I go see Tillie today at noon and will sort some things out then.

I haven’t been eating fried food or anything like that. I’ve been trying to be very careful with what I eat actually and have actually lost a few pounds as of this morning.

I am out of ideas.


Blessed Easter

I’m starting to feel good. We all slept in for our reasons and are just celebrating Easter quietly at the house by not doing anything much in particular. Bob is back coughing again after the weather changed to cold. So that is grim. But I felt like getting dressed for the day after almost a week in exclusively pajamas, so that feels like a plus as well.

Not going to get into it, but Easter just doesn’t feel very celebratory right today. One of my kids is struggling mightily and that is heavy on my mind today. We’re praying but feel a bit helpless.

I plan to go back to work tomorrow and see how it goes. I will be home so that will be nice. Just going to do the best I can.

At least the bipolar isn’t barking at this point. The free-floating anxiety is better, too. But I will still have a lot to talk to Tillie about Friday. So that is good.

Godspeed in this Holy Sunday.

I Survived!

I’ve gone 24 hours without Advil, and no fever or aches. I actually slept in my own bed with my CPAP last night and feel so much better. Still a hair weak. But so much better.

I am going to stay in this weekend still because it’s cold down here (Easter cold snap), and I don’t want to relapse by pushing myself. I will go back to work Monday so that’s good.

My mood got very bleak last night. Still ruminating. I had to take another Klonopin to stop it so I could go to sleep. Prayer did not bring relief. I cried and cried and the heavens were brass. But I think my mood was so low just because I was tired of being sick. I’m much better this morning.

But I go see Tillie again Friday and hopefully I can talk about the ruminating thoughts and break the cycle again.

So we will see what the day brings. Godspeed to all.

COVID Day Five

I’m not feeling an awful lot better and am starting to worry. I ached really bad this morning through my core and had to take the Advil even though I don’t run fever anymore. I still have a few days of meds left. My mind is feeling more active and therefore is kind of turning in on itself–a lot of ruminating and stinking thinking.

I am basically just lying around today. Bob is home and taking good care of me–him and my youngest just ran out to get lunch. For the first time in over twenty years, he has Good Friday off. The guy who was second-in-command when my father-in-law ran it just announced they were going to take it off this year, no drama, no nothing. So nice.

I guess i will go back to relaxing. I wish I felt better, but better to rest and recover than push and try to get back into the swing and relapse.


Well, my SSA disability services brain kicked in last night. My youngest came downstairs saying that her stomach hurt. We gave her a Pepto chewable, and me and her talked for a long time that she was scared it was her appendix. We talked through the symptoms, and I convinced that if she still felt bad after today at school, she’d go to the doctor.

Well, an hour later she came downstairs crying again and said when she laid on her side, the pain suddenly ratcheted up badly and she couldn’t breathe. So my brain immediately registered: dissecting aortic abdominal aneurysm. So I got Bob out of bed and off they went to the ER.

She came back two hours later with a diagnosis of constipation, just like we had previously thought. This is just what happens. I know the signs and symptoms of everything that can kill you graveyard dead, and my brain immediately goes to the worst possible outcome.

So. No one got good sleep last night.

I haven’t taken any Advil today, and I’m just a little chilled. My throat hurts a little, and I have a little dry cough. But my body doesn’t ache, either. So I suppose I’m getting better as well.

But the steroids are making me hyper. My brain would not shut off last night, even before my daughter started feeling so bad. I need to be very careful they don’t kick me into mania.

I suppose I will go lie back down now. I’m still very tired.

Covid Day Three

Today seems to be the worst of it so far.

I woke up very achy this morning with a very scratchy throat and very cold. I woke up in the middle of night feeling the same way and took Advil then and managed to go back to sleep. My sheets felt soaking wet with sweat, which tells me my fever is still active when the effects of the Advil wear off.

I am mostly just lying around this morning, dozing. I saw it was ten a.m. and decided to sit up for a while and type and wait for Bob to call.

At least my mind is sound right now. Bob must be really worried about me in that department with all the fusses we had earlier because when I called him Monday, saying “I’m going to the doctor”, he almost freaked out that I was having a mental break. (Time of year and all that). But I’m managing really well so far in that department.

I guess that’s all for today. Thanks for any and all prayers.

Never-Ending Story

I have been sick physically, on and off, for three full months.

I want to be well again.

I’m taking off work the rest of the week because I was scheduled to be in the office today and tomorrow. I told my supervisor that I would WFH if I felt well enough–but this morning I just don’t. I’m not sure if I’m not going back to bed after I type this.

I had a long night, feeling chilled all night after the Advil wore off. I took everything this morning and feel a smidge better–not where I have to be under the covers, shivering.

AND somehow I chipped a crown on my teeth this morning. But I can’t go to the dentist with COVID. I’m going to call and see if there’s anything I need to do to be careful with it.

So that is how my life is going today. FUN!

Not Well

I got hit with chills, fever, and body aches after lunch. I went to the doctor this afternoon to see whether I had flu or not, because that was what it felt like.

Well, they said I have COVID.

Too early to test accurately, but i have meds to ease down the symptoms and I’m off work for the week.