So today I decided to embrace my bipolar identity in a writing submission so to see if it support my familygets me a better chance to publication and spreading the word about bipolar disorder. I had the chance to fill out additional information about myself in my submission that might “impact” the publication’s mission to present “underrepresented” voices in their publication.
I feel so conflicted doing this. I want to be read and published because I write well, not because I enable them to check the “disabled writer” box on their diversity checklist. The story leaves no doubt that I am a member of the mentally ill community in that it talks about my first admission to the mental hospital. But I thought I would reinforce my feelings about it with a paragraph that explained the tone of the piece. So I did. We will see if it does me any good.
But on the other hand, I am so tired of being bipolar. I so want to be normal, get a job, work, support myself and my family, show my girls that it can be done, realize my dreams, etc. And bipolar disorder took all of that away from me. That frustrates me on so many levels.
Got word yesterday afternoon that China Grove Press is taking another story of mine called “This Side of Heaven” and PAYING me again. So that was exciting enough. This morning, though, I got my poem about baseball accepted to an outfit called Cobalt, where it will also be included in a book anthology called “Five Years of Cobalt Baseball”. So I am excited about everything this morning and looking forward to maybe more acceptances from some of the better magazines that I’ve started sending to. That’s the next step.
I had to pull both stories from other journals and was able to substitute at one; I’m hoping to see if I can substitute something for my Creative Nonfiction entry as well. I don’t know what I’ll send, but I will be thinking about it. I think the only thing I have that would fit would be ‘My Bipolar Story in Pictures”. But we will see. I’m very excited right now and think it will be a good day today!
I know I want to look forward in this post, but I’m not sure what exactly I am looking forward to 🙂 . I look forward to an incredible holiday season because it’s the first one I can remember in a long time that I have joyfully anticipated. We have great presents picked out for every9one and I can’t wait to see their reactions when they open them. We look forward to seeing everyone and having a great Christmas together in all of our families.
I have been given a brilliant idea for the next stage of my writing by my nonfiction teacher, who wants me to concentrate on the nine months between Hurricane Katrina hitting us and my little trip to Louisiana. It will be difficult because I was spiraling and completely un-medicated and I just don’t remember that much about it now. But I will look into what I do have written down and jog my memory about it.
I hope to keep this remission up and running by doing healthier things for myself and maybe relearning how to live a normal life..But to stay healthy at the same time by not taking on too much at one time. We will see how it goes.
Only ten more days until Christmas, seventeen untiI New Year’s, and fifteen days after that to a new semester. I’m looking forward to all of it!
I feel good again this morning. SO this is nice. It almost feels like normal. I’m really apprehensive about saying that in case I scare it away. But I really do feel well this morning.
I did something fun yesterday. I made another dream poster, something I haven’t done in a long time. I was going through magazines to give away to the daycare, and GOd just prompted me to look through them one more time to find inspirational phrases and images to put on a sheet of paper. I thought it was going to be inspirational about being where I am right now, which is a wife and mommy. Instead the Lord led me to put together exciting words about the next year.
I pulled out “Shine”, “Share”, “Strong” and “Free” out as the main words, then filled in a picture of a water fountain for the center. The main quote is “You have to really put yourself out there–heart, soul. everything–to do anything well”. The title of the poster is “Visions”. Other words are “Awakening”, “Boldest”, “Bravest”, “Wow”and “Power”. Other phrases are “Ask for it”, “Keep your mind sharp”, “Surprise Yourself”, “Change for the better”, and “I will light up every room I walk into”.
I just feel so optimistic about the future right now. And not about publishing or anything like that. Just that the future looks bright and that GOd is with me. Maybe it’s just the Christmas spirit. But whatever it is I’ll take it.
Well, I though I wasn’t going to hear anything on this one, but The New Southerner has selected me as a finalist for nonfiction this year with a piece titled “Joy”. You may remember that I interviewed Alexandra Stoddard for this piece and had hoped to place it in Creative Nonfiction, but that didn’t work out. SO I sent it to The New Southerner instead, and they will publish it in December, just like they did my fiction piece last year. So I am excited about that.
Talked with my professor about my nonfiction project for the semester final and I am going to do my piece on my jaunt to Louisiana and tell the whole truth about it for my first chapter in my thesis. This is going to be hard admitting every single thing that was going on in my mind at the time, but it needs to be told to keep someone else from doing the exact same thing one day. What I’ve written so far about it is the truth as far as it goes–I’ve just held back a little bit of information that needs to be in there. SO that is what I will do.
Just went through advising with my professor and signed up for another class this spring. So that housekeeping bit is taken care of. I talked to him a bit about my concerns that I didn’t feel like I was “learning” anything; ie all my writing gets compliments in feedback and very little specific advice on how to improve it. I told him I wasn’t trying to malign anybody–just that I didn’t feel challenged enough. So we will see what comes of that.
I finished part of my classwork today and am partway through the assignment for the week. I just need to sit down and grind it out. It’s not hard, just have to pile up 800 words a word at a time. I just need to do it.
I haven’t slept any today so feel good about that. Therefore I’ve gotten more accomplished than yesterday. I talked to BOb about feeling so frustrated last night, and I think talking to my professor and mapping out what I wanted to take in the next few years helped me see an end ahead. It’s not so scary today.
I seem to be in a depressive state. I’m sleeping a lot and not being very productive the time that I’m awake. I did find out something amazing this week–I googled myself and saw where the W has put up how often the MFA students are publishing and I was the most published in the past year –right up there with the very successful playwright in Chicago who is always reporting new successes. So I suppose I need to stop griping about being rejected. But I do need some new news in that department soon–I’ve got some high hopes out there but will have to just wait and see.
I don’t feel depressed and I certainly don’t have anything to really be depressed about. Maybe I’m starting a new pattern of drooping in the fall. It would certainly fit in with Seasonal Affective Disorder. But we will see.
I’m going to talk to the LifeGroup Pastor at church this afternoon exploring more the idea of having a LifeGroup for people with mood disorders. I think we need to limit to that since that is all that I have experience with. But I’m sincerely hoping that this can come to pass so that I really will be using my condition to bring people to GOd and to minister to them the way I’d like to be ministered to. So that is another”we will see” proposition.