I Can’t Do It

I’m still too paralyzed to write. I am scared to make phone calls or send emails. I’m scared of the blank page. I’ve lost the thread of the story, the meaning behind why I do what I do. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of another shutdown when my kids are just now getting their lives together from the last one. I’m scared Bob is going to get COVID since he is unvaccinated or that my youngest will get it before we have a chance to complete her vaccine series. Or that my father-in-law will get it and die. My anxiety is rising again the longer I try to type. i can’t escape the fear. I thought once we had a vaccine that this would all die out. It feels like someone is making sure we’re never truly free again.

Phone Calls

I have put out all my phone calls that I know to do so far for my stories for MCIR.  And I have the zoom call this afternoon for my story on MCIR with everyone involved. So I’ve put all that out to the universe and am just waiting around for return calls.  I got up with Bob this morning and don’t feel sleepy at all. So whatever is going on with me chemically is working.  And I take my last sample pill of Latuda tonight. So we will see what happens.

SO I called BCBS and they said they still hadn’t received the paperwork from Dr. Bishop’s office.  THey called while I was on the line again and reported back that the girl at Dr. Bishop’s  said she hadn’t had time to file it.  SO I called her and was surprisingly polite but was thoroughly angry as well.  I told her I was going to pay the full freight this time but expected it to be resolved by next month.  Next time it will be Bob calling and he will not be nice or polite either.

I am going to ask Debbie if I can do a story on my experience with Abilify a few years ago as a personal column.  We will see how it goes.

I am rereading all my craft books from my bibliography and absorbing all the knowledge they have for rewriting my thesis starting in July.  I will work on where I know it’s weak and see what Ellen Ann says when I give it to her in August.  I need to work on my thesis proposal as well; I will write Dunkleberg and find out exactly when it is due.  So I am staying busy throughout the morning.

Hope everyone has a good day and stays safe.  Hang in there, everyone.



I saw a picture yesterday of a woman standing outside in her yard. The caption was “Let’s see which chapter of Revelations we’re going to be living today.”

We will never have peace until we unite as one under the love of the one who gives us eternal peace in his precious holy name.  Until then, we can fight for justice to be done.


Post on BPHope Today!

My May post for went up today about maintaining access to my treatment team during the pandemic. She edited it a bit so that was all right.  I’m very proud of the work I am doing for them.  I already sent in my June entry so we will see what they do with that.

My youngest goes back to dance for the first time since Spring Break today.  She is having a private lesson in tap. They start regular dance practice again next Monday but not the competition team. The girl that handles the competition team just had a baby so all of that is on hold until the fall, I believe. If she brings it back at all. We will see.

I was so hoping life could go back to normal in fall but more and more it looks like people will still be at home as late as July. I don’t know what they’re going to do about school here. I hope the kids can go back if there’s not a rebound infection wave. I hope my oldest can avoid getting sick when she goes back to work. Florida hasn’t had many cases in proportion to their population so maybe it won’t happen there. So much we don’t know.

I will go get ready for my day. Start laundry, get dressed, then do thesis work until around lunchtime. I am so glad I still have a project to work on to keep me occupied. I need to look into doing my formal Thesis Proposal soon; I may need to work with y advisor on that for mid-July. Anyway. Hope everyone is safe today.    

Trying to Work

Trying to start working again on my paper and homework.  I am at a standstill on my MCIR work–I need some information and it’s proving difficult to find; I’m having to call in the executive editor to try to look something up for me on a paid database.

I reached out to my MFA group saying “look I’m going bonkers help me” and have gotten a lot of encouragement on that front.  But I’m afraid it’s not enough.  I just don’t have it in me to keep going on with school right now.  I don’t want to withdraw because I’m on a razor thin schedule to finish now and I’m so close to finishing.  I’d just have to start all over with another class and I’m over halfway finished with this one.  I suppose I could just informally quit and take whatever grade I get. I just don’t know.

I don’t need to be whining.  Another of my MFA friends just lost her job for good–they just shut down who she was working for without warning.  She is panicked.  It’s just going to get worse on that front, I’m afraid.

I am trying to keep going.  But it looks so hard right now. i feel for my kids.  I would hate to just be starting out and having to face something like this that could derail their lives for good.  So far they are holding up.  But the longer this goes on the bleaker I feel it’s going to get for them.

Good News!

Good news!  I have a meeting set up for next Tuesday with the managing editor of the group I’ve been in talks with about the mental health stories I came up with that needed reporting on.  So it does look like they worked out the financing somehow and we will see what the plan is then.

So I hope to make an announcement nest week as to who I’ll be working for and what exactly I’ll be doing.

Band camp is still moving along–they break for the weekend and start full days on Monday, then do that for a week. THen they have off until school starts on August 7.  I have all the paperwork turned in, but we have high school orientation on August 1 and band pictures that same afternoon. So Thursday of that off week will be busy.

Then I start school on August 22. I’m not sure when my middle one starts back to State–we work that out later in the summer.  But she’s going back to the same apartment and roommate she had before so we are not too worried about that.

SO all in all, the world is looking up today. I am so glad that I may have a job lined up.  I need work right now, no matter how small it is.  Finish these two semesters of one class each and  then start thesis next fall and get cranking on my magnum opus! 🙂


Hurricane Watch

So we are on hurricane watch with Barry coming onshore in Louisiana.  We are expected to get a LOT of rain from it.  Bob’s in Biloxi with out youngest for a dance clinic–I am just hoping he is far enough east so as to miss out on the storm surge and flooding that is expected from Long Beach to west of New Orleans. I’ll keep up with them through the day and see what it going on.  They say it should hit us around 12 noon here in the Jackson Mississippi area.

I’ll know how far I’ve come in my recovery if I can handle this storm without freaking out.  The wind is not expected to be bad here so I know the house will be safe–we are on a fairly high elevation.  But the sheer amount of rain it’s expected to generate may make it hard for Bob to drive in Sunday after the clinic.  I don’t know.  I can dream up hundreds of terrible scenarios.  But that is just my overactive imagination.  I plan to just do my best to relax today and not worry.

It makes me feel better to type out everything here rather than just let it swirl around in my head. We will see what the day brings.

Update  : Saw a very funny meme on facebook.  You see a picture of Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel and the caption says, “Don’t forget to leave out milk and protein bars for Jim Cantore.  If you forget he will turn off your power.”



SO I am a little unsure about the future. I’m not on the schedule so far to teach anything at the school I work at this fall.  I asked and they told me it had not yet been finalized–there were a few slots still open without a professor.  So I may still have some hope.

If I’m not going to work, I need to pull the trigger on signing up for the fall residency to get it out of the way.  SO I am just a little unsettled right now.  I need to sign up for the class so I can get the books this summer and read them ahead of the class.  I will just have to see.

I went and got my oil changed and air filter replaced–I started grading papers there and am afraid that everyone is going to fail the depth of research part–they simply didn’t look up enough sources.  I didn’t give them a minimum or a maximum for the final project and they are averaging about six sources a person–which is not enough for most topics.  So that is going to be depressing.

So now I don’t know what to do about the fall.  I called around to a bunch of other people so I’d hate to sign up for the class and miss the opportunity to teach somewhere else.  I’m thinking I will need to wait on signing up and see what else may turn up,  If nothing  turns up, I think I will abandon teaching until I finish my degree.  I just don’t know the right thing to do right now.

So I need to o get started on the papers again and see what I can accomplish with that before tomorrow.  I hope to hand them back.  If not we will do it Friday.  I also have to write for class so I need to get cracking on that.  Hope everyone has a good day!


Checking Boxes

So today I decided to embrace my bipolar identity in a writing submission so to see if it gets me a better chance to publication and spreading the word about bipolar disorder.  I had the chance to fill out additional information about myself in my submission that might “impact” the publication’s mission to present “underrepresented” voices in their publication.

I feel so conflicted doing this.  I want to be read and published because I write well, not because I enable them to check the “disabled writer” box on their diversity checklist.  The story leaves no doubt that I am a member of the mentally ill community in that it talks about my first admission to the mental hospital.  But I thought I would reinforce my feelings about it with a paragraph that explained the tone of the piece.  So I did.  We will see if it does  me any good.

But on the other hand, I am so tired of being bipolar.  I so want to be normal, get a job, work,  support myself and my family, show my girls that it can be done, realize my dreams, etc.  And bipolar disorder took all of that away from me.  That frustrates me on so many levels.



Twin Acceptances!

Got word yesterday afternoon that China Grove Press is taking another story of mine called “This Side of Heaven” and PAYING me again.  So that was exciting enough.  This morning, though, I got my poem about baseball accepted to an outfit called Cobalt, where it will also be included in a book anthology called “Five Years of Cobalt Baseball”.  So I am excited about everything this morning and looking forward to maybe more acceptances from some of the better magazines that I’ve started sending to.  That’s the next step.

I had to pull both stories from other journals and was able to substitute at one; I’m hoping to see if I can substitute something for my Creative Nonfiction entry as well.  I don’t know what I’ll send, but I will be thinking about it.  I think the only thing I have that would fit would be ‘My Bipolar Story in Pictures”.  But we will see. I’m very excited right now and think it will be a good day today!