I know I want to look forward in this post, but I’m not sure what exactly I am looking forward to 🙂 . I look forward to an incredible holiday season because it’s the first one I can remember in a long time that I have joyfully anticipated. We have great presents picked out for every9one and I can’t wait to see their reactions when they open them. We look forward to seeing everyone and having a great Christmas together in all of our families.
I have been given a brilliant idea for the next stage of my writing by my nonfiction teacher, who wants me to concentrate on the nine months between Hurricane Katrina hitting us and my little trip to Louisiana. It will be difficult because I was spiraling and completely un-medicated and I just don’t remember that much about it now. But I will look into what I do have written down and jog my memory about it.
I hope to keep this remission up and running by doing healthier things for myself and maybe relearning how to live a normal life..But to stay healthy at the same time by not taking on too much at one time. We will see how it goes.
Only ten more days until Christmas, seventeen untiI New Year’s, and fifteen days after that to a new semester. I’m looking forward to all of it!
I feel good again this morning. SO this is nice. It almost feels like normal. I’m really apprehensive about saying that in case I scare it away. But I really do feel well this morning.
I did something fun yesterday. I made another dream poster, something I haven’t done in a long time. I was going through magazines to give away to the daycare, and GOd just prompted me to look through them one more time to find inspirational phrases and images to put on a sheet of paper. I thought it was going to be inspirational about being where I am right now, which is a wife and mommy. Instead the Lord led me to put together exciting words about the next year.
I pulled out “Shine”, “Share”, “Strong” and “Free” out as the main words, then filled in a picture of a water fountain for the center. The main quote is “You have to really put yourself out there–heart, soul. everything–to do anything well”. The title of the poster is “Visions”. Other words are “Awakening”, “Boldest”, “Bravest”, “Wow”and “Power”. Other phrases are “Ask for it”, “Keep your mind sharp”, “Surprise Yourself”, “Change for the better”, and “I will light up every room I walk into”.
I just feel so optimistic about the future right now. And not about publishing or anything like that. Just that the future looks bright and that GOd is with me. Maybe it’s just the Christmas spirit. But whatever it is I’ll take it.
Well, I though I wasn’t going to hear anything on this one, but The New Southerner has selected me as a finalist for nonfiction this year with a piece titled “Joy”. You may remember that I interviewed Alexandra Stoddard for this piece and had hoped to place it in Creative Nonfiction, but that didn’t work out. SO I sent it to The New Southerner instead, and they will publish it in December, just like they did my fiction piece last year. So I am excited about that.
Talked with my professor about my nonfiction project for the semester final and I am going to do my piece on my jaunt to Louisiana and tell the whole truth about it for my first chapter in my thesis. This is going to be hard admitting every single thing that was going on in my mind at the time, but it needs to be told to keep someone else from doing the exact same thing one day. What I’ve written so far about it is the truth as far as it goes–I’ve just held back a little bit of information that needs to be in there. SO that is what I will do.
Just went through advising with my professor and signed up for another class this spring. So that housekeeping bit is taken care of. I talked to him a bit about my concerns that I didn’t feel like I was “learning” anything; ie all my writing gets compliments in feedback and very little specific advice on how to improve it. I told him I wasn’t trying to malign anybody–just that I didn’t feel challenged enough. So we will see what comes of that.
I finished part of my classwork today and am partway through the assignment for the week. I just need to sit down and grind it out. It’s not hard, just have to pile up 800 words a word at a time. I just need to do it.
I haven’t slept any today so feel good about that. Therefore I’ve gotten more accomplished than yesterday. I talked to BOb about feeling so frustrated last night, and I think talking to my professor and mapping out what I wanted to take in the next few years helped me see an end ahead. It’s not so scary today.
I seem to be in a depressive state. I’m sleeping a lot and not being very productive the time that I’m awake. I did find out something amazing this week–I googled myself and saw where the W has put up how often the MFA students are publishing and I was the most published in the past year –right up there with the very successful playwright in Chicago who is always reporting new successes. So I suppose I need to stop griping about being rejected. But I do need some new news in that department soon–I’ve got some high hopes out there but will have to just wait and see.
I don’t feel depressed and I certainly don’t have anything to really be depressed about. Maybe I’m starting a new pattern of drooping in the fall. It would certainly fit in with Seasonal Affective Disorder. But we will see.
I’m going to talk to the LifeGroup Pastor at church this afternoon exploring more the idea of having a LifeGroup for people with mood disorders. I think we need to limit to that since that is all that I have experience with. But I’m sincerely hoping that this can come to pass so that I really will be using my condition to bring people to GOd and to minister to them the way I’d like to be ministered to. So that is another”we will see” proposition.
Met my friend Marlo today. WE met at Drago’s in Jackson and had the best time just talking shop. WE talked about our current projects and had just a good time exchanging news about everything.
I hope I can keep up the momentum of the blog for another year. I’ve been doing it now two years and I’m not positive I’m accomplishing what I wanted to when I started it. I want to get to 10,000 views and 5,000 visitors then start trying to market it and the book that goes with it. I’m hoping another year will get me to that goal. I’m discovering that I want ot write about more than just bipolar disorder now that my fiction has opened up and started flowing. Maybe I just need time off from being so verbal about it.
I’ve gotten a lot of the book published elsewhere like on the group I guest blog for, Defying Shadows, so I think that may help in selling it as well. I’m really hoping to get the lead story (Running Away From Home) published with a big print journal so I can show more than just at the other blog and my own blog.
For those wondering, I am still symptomatic in being sleepy most of the day (although that could be medication) and some breakthrough obsessions, but things are much better than they were even a few weeks ago. I think adjusting the Abilify up had helped a great deal.
It won’t be official until tomorrow, but I’ve made high A’s on all four of my written papers and full credit for the various discussions we’ve had as a class, so I am anticipating keeping my 4.0 GPA. My professor have very nice things to say about was my final paper and that made me feel good. It was “good enough” just as I hoped.
I had a very interesting dream this morning. If there’s one creative thing I’m not good at, it’s visual art. I can’t draw. I dreamed I was hired to conduct a workshop for at-risk children instructing them in drawing to express themselves. I was also commissioned to do a visual art piece as a permanent installation at the facility I was doing the workshop at. Well, of course what I did during the exercises was no good, and my art piece was relly not good either. But the director was so kind and encouraging, saying she knew what I was doing was not in my wheelhouse and that what I was doing could be improved with this or that change, I took her advice a presented something if not beautiful then meaningful to the students and to me. And the director loved it.
Usually a dream like that for me the outcome is always pejorative. I’m going to fail the class, the exam, the paper, the test, whatever the challenge is. I woke up this morning feeling peaceful in a way I haven’t in a long time. I think the lesson is that I will always be good enough. I think the director was speaking God’s message to me that whatever I do creatively is good enough and that I don’t need to worry. And I need to move on to new projects if one project does not work out. So we will see if I can keep that peaceful lesson.