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Hard Emotions

I had to stop revising last night on my thesis. I hit a difficult area and started crying as I typed. I remember being glad I was not affected by it when I wrote it the first time, but Ellen Ann asked me to go deeper into it, describing my feelings about the incident rather just the incident itself. And when I did, I found myself crying while typing. So today I am trying to continue the passage and starting out with a complete revision of the next section. I am mustering up my courage to do it.

What I am really afraid of is that revisiting some of these deeply emotionally fraught areas will bring on its own mood episode. And that would be a bad portent of what’s coming fi I attempt to continue a writing career out of my experiences. I don’t know anything else to do with myself! 🙂 I need to be a little more dispassionate about some of this so I can write about it with some semblance of emotional distance between me and the incidents so they don’t get maudlin. But I don’t want to get behind on my revisions by trying to wait longer to work on it.

All this to say pray that I can keep my composure while writing and get it right and write it in a way that is accessible, relatable, and gentle with myself and the younger me that still feels those feelings. Thanks so much for your support and care for me and my story about bipolar disorder.

Thesis Work

Yesterday I halfway approached the difficult parts of my college experience that I had with bipolar that I haven’t ever talked about yet. I blocked it in–found places where I would expand and tell those stories and wrote down shorthand titles for the stories that need to go into that spot. So I at least know where it’s all going to go now. And I can attack sections and have a plan for what all I am writing,

I came back with good reports on the two chapters I tuned in for this week–she’s writing more encouraging notes about things I’m doing right rather than notes where ideas need work on these chapters. Of course she had seen them before and I had improved them from that point. I’m still ahead on my weekly assignments–the new pieces I still need to do aren’t due to be turned in for a little while, so I have time.

I wish I had someone to talk shop with. The girl I’m friendly with has had a personal crisis and is not sure if she’s going to be able to work on her thesis this semester so I don’t want to bring it up with her. And the other girl I know is working on thesis with Ellen Ann I just don’t know very well. So I just don’t know who to toss ideas around with.

I so want to go back to sleep. I didn’t sleep solid last night or the night before that. I had a lot of weird dreams all coming out this material I’m writing on–about my mom and dad and being at home. It hasn’t helped me solve any narrative problems or altered how I go about reacting to mom and dad. So I’m not sure what they’re all about.

I guess I will wind up writing here and move to the thesis document before lunch. I may just reread it, but I can get tat little bit done in te time before lunch. Hope everyone is staying safe from the virus. Thanks so much for reading!

New Work

I have had fun exploring my mood states when I was a senior in high school, All I said about it in my first version was that I was “slightly manic” so I didn’t go into it into detail. But once I started writing about it, I was obviously manic during that time. I thought it was my newfound freedom after going to Ole Miss But I was dangerously euphoric all year long. SO I’m trying to recapture it and put it down on paper to show how high I was but how dangerous it was too.

I haven’t written about bipolar mania from scratch in a while. It’s a hard beast to nail down. To get the feelings and flavors of the time right. I was to show how dangerous it was by showing how unaware I was of what was going on in my own head. About now I think my parents no longer have responsibility for figuring out I was bipolar. I was half-grown and should have reported my scratching incident to Dr. Murchison. But I didn’t because I was scared I’d be sent home a failure. SO I want to capture in the manuscript the changing of their responsibility for me to my responsibility for myself.

I’m going to go get dressed then come back to work. Hope everyone else is doing well. Godspeed.

Conference

I had my second conference with my advisor for my thesis. We talked on the phone this time. We talked about what I was writing on right now–which I won’t turn in for a bit. I have two essays to send next week then I’ll send in all new material for a while. I wrote about my Ole Miss experience yesterday and will work on the senior year next. I can’t beleive I skipped over all of this when I drafted this the first time.

It’s been interesting going back to it that far. I had to dig out some of my senior class memorabilia to jog my memory on parts of it. I’ll probably use more of it in my senior year narrative. I tell you what, seeing it all in black and white like I am has released just a flood of memory. My senior year was my best at Ackerman, I had been to Ole Miss and knew there was a world outside Ackerman and I didn’t really care what anyone in Ackerman thought about me any more. That really irked some people, but I no longer worried about anyone’s opinion of me and how I went about my life. It was really freeing for me.

I’ll try and work on laundry this afternoon and come back to writing this afternoon once I finish it all. I’m getting ready to eat lunch so we will see how the afternoon goes. Hope everyone has a good weekend and can continue to stay safe from the virus. Godspeed.

l

Labor Day

I’m going to do bit of work this Labor Day–I’m going to write my research log and a book annotation then interview a guy I know for a MCIR story. But we’ll do some running around for fun, too–the bookstore, the comic book store, etc. So we will use our day off for good ends.

I have been in conversation on Facebook with the author of the two books I’ve read for class. It’s been very strange. I friended him on Facebook back last year when he came to the Mississippi Book Festival and he took my request after I messaged him about how much I had enjoyed his reading and the Q&A at the panels. I messaged him back during my manic phase that I was starting on my memoir! And he messaged back a piece of advice about the process, and I said thank you.

Then this fall semester I messaged him that I was reading his books and we got into further conversations, including the one last night. He’s from Rankin County, where I live, so I think he knows there’s no use in putting on airs with me. But he has been more than polite to chat with me.

I need to run and wash my hair to tame it down some. Then I think I will write until we go out for lunch and get as much done as I can. Godspeed to all of you!

Runaround Tuesday

Today I saw Candy and fielded a phone call from my mom right before I was leaving for therapy with Tillie. So I’ve been busy this morning.

Turned in the next installment of my thesis so that was exciting. I’ll get feedback sometime in the next three days. I finished the first book I was reading and have started the second, so that’s been interesting, too. I’m feeling really well about the work I’ve been doing there, revising each set of essays before I send them in, using the feedback from the previous set of essays. So it’s rolling along nicely.

I need to talk to Bob about today’s counseling session. I’m trying not to dread it. But we had an argument last week and we need to settle it out before the bad thinking sets in and gets worse,

Just thinking about it gets me frustrated.  I think I will sign off here and try to finish this telehealth story for MCIR and then call it a day until I have to go get my youngest from school.  Hope everyone is staying safe from the virus,

 

Restful Day

I’m trying to not get angry at myself for being sleepy.  I know it’s the disease and side effects from the medicine. I went back to sleep after dropping off my youngest and then ate lunch. washed my hair, and am just getting around to doing this post. So sorry to be late.

I am reading a sequel memoir to another memoir. Both are by Harrison Scott Key, who grew up here in Rankin County and now lives in Savannah, Georgia, I like the second one better than the first because he examines himself and his writing process as the subject of this sequel and that’s not something I’ve seen before. At least not as savagely done.  He is really hard on himself in this book.

Anyway. I need to write my research log today and turn it in tomorrow along with the required number of essays. I also need to pay my tuition today. So I will go put that in the mail this afternoon. Then I will try and do my story for MCIR until it is time to go pick my youngest up. Depending on how that goes when dinner is tonight and what else I can accomplish this afternoon.

I don’t like sleeping a lot but at least my schedule allows for it now. Sometime next year I’m going to start drafting the sequel to my thesis and look for an agent to see if I can get any kind of deal, We will see.

I guess I will run and write my tuition check and see what can else can be done this afternoon, Hope everyone has a good day and stays safe from the virus. Godspeed.

 

Writing and Revising

I’ve taken all my advisor’s suggestions and incorporated them into my manuscript, so that has made for a busy morning. I’ve tried to find a way to go beyond them but pretty much followed the script most of the way. I guess that means that most of it is pretty solid that I turned in since there weren’t any radical changes she wanted me to make. I know later on I’m going to make some significant changes on my own in the manuscript because there are large parts of the story I’ve skipped over to get to the “meat” of it–when I was diagnosed and such.  But those parts are important too.  So I’ll include them this time.

My youngest goes back to regular school next week, going every day. I am kind of glad–I know this schedule has been hard on the teachers. So we will see how it goes. I know mine will have trouble adjusting to going to school everyday, and I might too; having to take her in to school everyday will be interesting. With all the kids coming back at the same time, the car-rider line is going to be its own kind of special mess.

I feel pretty good this morning, like I usually do when I’ve spent serious time writing. I’m going to look back over what I’ve revised to turn in next week and see if I can anticipate some of her questions. We will see.  Hope everyone is having a good day and staying safe.

 

 

Waiting on Feedback

My advisor said she would read weekly assignments on Wednesday so I may hear something this afternoon or tomorrow on my two essays I sent in. We will see.

We’re not getting the rain they predicted from the two hurricanes in the Gulf here in the Jackson area. I think that’s great. They were nasty down south, but none for us just yet.

I rewrote two more essays yesterday. Tweaked them mostly, only one significant change to one of them. I added a scene to one about my uncle dying young and how that was my first real introduction to death. There’s something bothering me about the other one, but I can’t put my finger on it. I’ll have to do another read-through and revision before I turn it in.

Today I hope to finish up our follow-up story on mental health telehealth use.  Maybe we were able to dig a little deeper this time. We will see.

Hope everyone is well and doing well today. I have a lot to do today so I will talk to you lovely people later. Thanks for reading!

 

 

Thesis Work

Turned in the first two essays and my first research log for my thesis. I’ll go ahead and get to work on the next two essays and work on my book annotation, since I finished the first book last night.  Fun times!

I’m just glad to soon to get feedback I can use to make it even better.  I’m going to revise as I go–as soon as she sends me the line edits, I will start implementing them into my master copy so that I’ll have the entire thing revised to send to her at the end of the semester. So I am excited about that.

I’m going to add a separate essay about the mental health history in my family.  I’m going to put it after my essays about my mom and dad. So I will have more or less completely new material there. Looking forward to that.

I’m just glad I feel up to writing today. Yesterday my mind was occupied with something else, which is why I didn’t write. And I slept all day yesterday.  Trying to get used to this Vistaril is going to be harder than I thought.  But I guess I will just cope with it.

My hair is already outgrowing this hairstyle.  I woke up with it all sticking out everywhere this morning and had to wet it a good bit to get it settled down.  But we will see how it goes. I get it cut again on September 22, my fiftieth birthday,

We will get outer bands of the two hurricanes hitting in the Gulf.  Nothing like we experienced during Katrina. I’m so glad it won’t get up this far this time. We don’t need a new reason to close the schools.

Guess I will get to work on the next essays already. I think I’m going to add new material to my childhood chapter as well. I am coming up with all kinds of ideas to stretch out the material I have. I am just glad my creativity is still here.

SO I hope everyone does well this week and that life just keeps rolling along  They’re telling us that the virus is slowing down in America–the increases are getting smaller and not as many people are dying. That counts as good news in my book. Hope everyone is staying safe. Godspeed.