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Being Lazy

I went back to sleep after dropping my youngest one off even though Bob was still home with his stomach upset. He feels badly nauseated right now and is sitting still to try to counteract it. He went back to sleep too after he decided he couldn’t go back to work today. So I don’t feel too bad.

I am still feeling much better–I have work to catch up on–just don’t feel like doing it yet. I want to watch the devotional I missed while taking the youngest to school, so I am going to do that likely while I eat lunch. Candy isn’t coming today with Bob feeling so bad. They’re going to try for THursday if he gets to feeling better.

I see Tillie tomorrow morning and will see how it all is going. I feel pretty good right now even with everything going on. I have just tried to let go of what I can’t do anything about. That’s all. That’s all I can do to get better.

I need to order a couple of books to read this semester and journal them as well as my “process” so I can write my “process essay” for my formal thesis document. That’s going to be interesting to do because I don’t really have a process. I just write. I also need to write my essay for BPHope for February. I wanted to write about my middle one, but they said I couldn’t because she is an adult and would have to sign a release. I don’t think I need to ask her that right now. So I’m not. But I think it will become the epilogue to the thesis.

Well, I hope everyone is staying safe from the virus. Stay warm through this cold January. Godspeed.

Finishing Thesis

So I am trying to tie up all the changes to my thesis and send them in tomorrow. I am working on the next to the last chapter right now and hopefully I can also add some in the middle that she suggested that I never got around to. Mostly because I was being careful with word count. But I’ve already blown over 300 pages, so I guess I can write as much as I want right now. I may go through it over Christmas and just remove “and”s and replace them with semicolons to drive the word count down.

Bob’s definitely getting better–his appetite has come back, but his cough is still awful. He’s hoping to talk to his doctor again this morning so we will see what he advises for that. I need to go out and get some more cough medicine etc. I’ll likely take our youngest out to lunch and pick it up then and bring Bob something back.

I will enjoy seeing my middle child when she comes in this week. I need to change all the sheets in the house before she gets here. And I’ll get to move back into bed with Bob. That will be nice.

I woke up a little earlier than usual so I am sleepy. But there’s a lot to do so I should stay busy. We will see how long it takes me to bounce back from coronavirus.

That’s all I can think of today. So I guess I will go back to work on my paper. Hope everyone has a good start to Thanksgiving week and can stay safe from the virus. Godspeed.

Conference

i had a conference with my thesis director yesterday. We talked about my tendencies–one of giving away the ending to a story too early, and the other of simply narrating facts instead of reflecting on them as well. So we brainstormed on ways to correct those glitches. The first one is easy to fix now that I’m aware of the tendency. The other one is harder because I do it in some places and in other places I don’t. So that’s more subtle to catch on to.

But she gave me a lot of reassurance in the conference–she said she knew she was always ticking off points I could redo but that really, much of it was very, very good. I asked if it was boring reading and she said noooo. Fascinating reading, she said, So that was encouraging.

I actually went back and did some revising after our talk I was so pepped up. So I hope I’m able to do more today. I’m working on talking about my wedding. I think she wants me to talk about some of these areas I brushed over so that there is some relief from the doom and gloom. So we will see what happens today.

My mood is slowly improving. I guess I just had a dip and had to push through it and take care of myself for a little while. I still have laundry I need to catch up on so I will see if I can get that done soon as well. Hope everyone is staying safe from the virus and taking care of themselves as well. Godspeed.

Thesis Soundtrack

I found an oldies country station on the radio and it has been what I’ve been listening to during the entire thesis process thus far. I hoped that it would bring up more memories of being a kid and being young as fodder for my memoir. I think it’s really worked well thus far. Puts me in a nostalgic mood.

I don’t have rose-colored glasses about my raising but going back this time has tempered some of my original anger I’ve had about it. Especially now having been a mom and parented girls through all the difficult times. It’s helped give me some perspective. So that’s good.

I need to go back and start revising again. The only things I really have to do today are getting Bob’s laundry ready, a conference at 1:15 p.m., and cooking dinner. Maybe this can be the day I take back my writing for myself and work on it after this whole burnout episode. Maybe I can stop feeling burned out if I am careful with myself today. That would be nice.

Let e go check on Bob’s laundry and see what I can find out with it and get it done. Then eat lunch and revise. We will see. Wish me well as I climb back up from whatever this has been. Thanks for thinking about me.

Hard Emotions

I had to stop revising last night on my thesis. I hit a difficult area and started crying as I typed. I remember being glad I was not affected by it when I wrote it the first time, but Ellen Ann asked me to go deeper into it, describing my feelings about the incident rather just the incident itself. And when I did, I found myself crying while typing. So today I am trying to continue the passage and starting out with a complete revision of the next section. I am mustering up my courage to do it.

What I am really afraid of is that revisiting some of these deeply emotionally fraught areas will bring on its own mood episode. And that would be a bad portent of what’s coming fi I attempt to continue a writing career out of my experiences. I don’t know anything else to do with myself! 🙂 I need to be a little more dispassionate about some of this so I can write about it with some semblance of emotional distance between me and the incidents so they don’t get maudlin. But I don’t want to get behind on my revisions by trying to wait longer to work on it.

All this to say pray that I can keep my composure while writing and get it right and write it in a way that is accessible, relatable, and gentle with myself and the younger me that still feels those feelings. Thanks so much for your support and care for me and my story about bipolar disorder.

Thesis Work

Yesterday I halfway approached the difficult parts of my college experience that I had with bipolar that I haven’t ever talked about yet. I blocked it in–found places where I would expand and tell those stories and wrote down shorthand titles for the stories that need to go into that spot. So I at least know where it’s all going to go now. And I can attack sections and have a plan for what all I am writing,

I came back with good reports on the two chapters I tuned in for this week–she’s writing more encouraging notes about things I’m doing right rather than notes where ideas need work on these chapters. Of course she had seen them before and I had improved them from that point. I’m still ahead on my weekly assignments–the new pieces I still need to do aren’t due to be turned in for a little while, so I have time.

I wish I had someone to talk shop with. The girl I’m friendly with has had a personal crisis and is not sure if she’s going to be able to work on her thesis this semester so I don’t want to bring it up with her. And the other girl I know is working on thesis with Ellen Ann I just don’t know very well. So I just don’t know who to toss ideas around with.

I so want to go back to sleep. I didn’t sleep solid last night or the night before that. I had a lot of weird dreams all coming out this material I’m writing on–about my mom and dad and being at home. It hasn’t helped me solve any narrative problems or altered how I go about reacting to mom and dad. So I’m not sure what they’re all about.

I guess I will wind up writing here and move to the thesis document before lunch. I may just reread it, but I can get tat little bit done in te time before lunch. Hope everyone is staying safe from the virus. Thanks so much for reading!

New Work

I have had fun exploring my mood states when I was a senior in high school, All I said about it in my first version was that I was “slightly manic” so I didn’t go into it into detail. But once I started writing about it, I was obviously manic during that time. I thought it was my newfound freedom after going to Ole Miss But I was dangerously euphoric all year long. SO I’m trying to recapture it and put it down on paper to show how high I was but how dangerous it was too.

I haven’t written about bipolar mania from scratch in a while. It’s a hard beast to nail down. To get the feelings and flavors of the time right. I was to show how dangerous it was by showing how unaware I was of what was going on in my own head. About now I think my parents no longer have responsibility for figuring out I was bipolar. I was half-grown and should have reported my scratching incident to Dr. Murchison. But I didn’t because I was scared I’d be sent home a failure. SO I want to capture in the manuscript the changing of their responsibility for me to my responsibility for myself.

I’m going to go get dressed then come back to work. Hope everyone else is doing well. Godspeed.

Conference

I had my second conference with my advisor for my thesis. We talked on the phone this time. We talked about what I was writing on right now–which I won’t turn in for a bit. I have two essays to send next week then I’ll send in all new material for a while. I wrote about my Ole Miss experience yesterday and will work on the senior year next. I can’t beleive I skipped over all of this when I drafted this the first time.

It’s been interesting going back to it that far. I had to dig out some of my senior class memorabilia to jog my memory on parts of it. I’ll probably use more of it in my senior year narrative. I tell you what, seeing it all in black and white like I am has released just a flood of memory. My senior year was my best at Ackerman, I had been to Ole Miss and knew there was a world outside Ackerman and I didn’t really care what anyone in Ackerman thought about me any more. That really irked some people, but I no longer worried about anyone’s opinion of me and how I went about my life. It was really freeing for me.

I’ll try and work on laundry this afternoon and come back to writing this afternoon once I finish it all. I’m getting ready to eat lunch so we will see how the afternoon goes. Hope everyone has a good weekend and can continue to stay safe from the virus. Godspeed.

l

Labor Day

I’m going to do bit of work this Labor Day–I’m going to write my research log and a book annotation then interview a guy I know for a MCIR story. But we’ll do some running around for fun, too–the bookstore, the comic book store, etc. So we will use our day off for good ends.

I have been in conversation on Facebook with the author of the two books I’ve read for class. It’s been very strange. I friended him on Facebook back last year when he came to the Mississippi Book Festival and he took my request after I messaged him about how much I had enjoyed his reading and the Q&A at the panels. I messaged him back during my manic phase that I was starting on my memoir! And he messaged back a piece of advice about the process, and I said thank you.

Then this fall semester I messaged him that I was reading his books and we got into further conversations, including the one last night. He’s from Rankin County, where I live, so I think he knows there’s no use in putting on airs with me. But he has been more than polite to chat with me.

I need to run and wash my hair to tame it down some. Then I think I will write until we go out for lunch and get as much done as I can. Godspeed to all of you!

Runaround Tuesday

Today I saw Candy and fielded a phone call from my mom right before I was leaving for therapy with Tillie. So I’ve been busy this morning.

Turned in the next installment of my thesis so that was exciting. I’ll get feedback sometime in the next three days. I finished the first book I was reading and have started the second, so that’s been interesting, too. I’m feeling really well about the work I’ve been doing there, revising each set of essays before I send them in, using the feedback from the previous set of essays. So it’s rolling along nicely.

I need to talk to Bob about today’s counseling session. I’m trying not to dread it. But we had an argument last week and we need to settle it out before the bad thinking sets in and gets worse,

Just thinking about it gets me frustrated.  I think I will sign off here and try to finish this telehealth story for MCIR and then call it a day until I have to go get my youngest from school.  Hope everyone is staying safe from the virus,