Whew Again!

I did nine spreadsheets today in six hours. Very, very busy bear. Feels good to be working steady and feeling good about it. Of course, I’ve probably had too much caffeine, but Bob coughed all night again and finally went to the doctor today. He has a sinus infection and the beginnings of bronchitis. So he’s been home today on tough cough syrup to get his cough under control and give his antibiotic a chance to work.

And I had the good sense to talk myself out of doing overtime to finish one more thing before I signed off work today. That’s a really big boundary that I was wondering if I could keep with myself as I wound up this afternoon. But I closed up the computer when my time was up and that’s that.

My baby girl registered to vote today. All grown up, the last one to leave the nest this fall. So proud.

I am glad i went back on my Klonopin to calm my nervous stomach. I like feeling healthy and well. Well, not exactly healthy. But I am looking into doing something about it so I can try to work on my weight. First get checked out again by my doctors in April. Then see what advice they can give me. We will see what happens.

Spring has sprung a day late today–temps were freezing yesterday but are up in the sixties today. So nice outside. That makes me feel well, too. I like sunshine outside. Makes me feel a little more energetic and not so sleepy as when the days are just dull and gray.

I had a long talk with a friend of mine yesterday over Facebook that made me feel less alone as a writer. That’s always nice. Writing is such a lonely business. We work alone and are by nature an introverted lot. Good to know someone is in the trenches with me and fighting the good fight. 🙂

I go see Tillie Friday and will have a lot to talk about. I will talk more about working on my anxiety, especially the free-floating kind that has returned. Hopefully she can tell me some ideas I probably just need reminding of. I suppose that’s all for today. Godspeed to all.

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Grand Ole Opry Finale!

As happens occasionally at the Opry, we had a surprise guest at the end of the show. They announced this, did a commercial to kill time to set up the stage, and out stepped . . .

GARTH BROOKS

The crowd blew the roof off the joint.

He played “Calling Baton Rouge” and everyone was on their feet. And didn’t sit down the entire show he played. He sounded great. I never ever thought I would get to see him on stage live. Such a great end to the night.

Working

Had an interesting moment at work today–I have my first formal evaluation of my work on Friday. Today I got a bit of a preview of what it might sound like–on one of my computer programs at work, I’ve been using a generic login for the marketing department. Today, my direct supervisor was training the new person and discovered that she and I both cannot be online in that program using the same login–apparently forgetting I never got my own login. So he tells the powers-that-be this tidbit (honestly, there is a point to the story, hang in there).

So I get called into a quick meeting with my direct supervisor and my department head. The department head says I’ve done a fabulous job working with them so far and they are very happy with me and want to know if I am equally happy with them and plan to stay because–get this–it turns out it costs $1200 to add me to this vital computer system and they want to know if I’m hanging around.

I said yes I plan to.

So they are going to bite the bullet and add me.

I think the evaluation is going to go just fine. 🙂

Trying to Wake Up

Had kind of a long night last night–it was Homecoming for my daughter’s school and she went to the dance that night so I was up late seeing her off to that. Then I went to bed and let Bob stay up to welcome them home after the dance. So he was up even later. He’s just now getting up. Which is okay.

We plan to watch the Mississippi State game today and have fun with that. We just plan to goof off today. I need a few goof-off days–I didn’t accomplish much yesterday in terms of chores but I ran around all day–I left the house at 7:30 a.m. and didn’t return for good until 2:30 p.m. I went to Dr. Bishop, a bookstore, a clothing store, lunch with my mother-in-law, and then the dentist. So I was very busy. I got some fun stuff at the bookstore so that was good–I spent my birthday money from my mom so that was good.

I got my birthday present from my middle one yesterday–she set me a really fancy calligraphy set–one where you dip the pen in the ink, which I have never worked with before. I will have to try it out on the Christmas cards this year. I have only worked with pens that take ink cartridges before so this will be new.

Dr. Bishop seemed really proud of how well I’m doing. He said he was glad I had really reached a good place after the scare with my meds earlier. I go back to the sleep apnea people in October and will get my CPAP fitted and adjusted so we will see how that goes. I am not looking forward to that, but I also don’t want to take a high dose of stimulant medication forever just to feel normal.

Tomorrow will be my official eighth anniversary of the blog. Stay tuned for an update on the state of bipolar blogging tomorrow. 🙂 Godspeed to all.

Still Birthdaying

Among other things–I go see my psychiatrist this morning and my dentist this afternoon but sandwiched in between is my birthday lunch with my mother-in-law. So I am looking forward to that. Bob and my youngest gave me their presents last night once she came in from the homecoming activities–she gave me a Charlie Brown book and Bob gave me a fancy purse for fall he found at Disney World that is themed–it has pictures from The Rescuers movie on it! Bob said the girls picked it out for him to give me. So it was a very good day.

I slept pretty solid last night so that was good. I’m soon going to have to run get ready for going to my appointment and will see what all I can get done today. Here’s to another wonderful day! Godspeed to all.

First Day of 52!

Yay me!

Been a slow morning so far–I haven’t been up long. I don’t feel any more older than yesterday so I’m taking that as a good sign. 🙂 Today is my long day working so I will be busier than usual. We will see how it goes.

I really am actually proud I’ve made it this far. Sometimes I remember how bad I used to feel and how badly I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. It reminds me to be grateful for good medicine, good therapy, a strong family, and the grace of God that never took me when I so wanted to leave the world behind. I’m grateful for every year I’ve had since 2006.

I need to run get ready for work. You all have a great day right along with me! 🙂 Godspeed.

Big Day

We had a big day today–my mom turns 74 tomorrow and half of my Vowell cousins decided to throw her a party this year. Not quite sure what brought that on, but they wanted to do it so they did and invited me and my sister. So we’ve been upstate most of the day. We had a good time with all of them just talking and being loud like we generally are when we get together. We all sat in Sunja’s carport and just talked for like two hours. Had cake and ice cream and chips and whatnot. They told me not to bring anything so I didn’t, except my mom’s present from us. But it was good to see everybody and visit.

We went to church before that and I held up pretty well staying awake until the very end of the sermon. It wasn’t the regular preacher (not like that’s made a difference in my staying awake) but it was good the bit I heard before I started dozing.

MS State won their game last night so we were glad to find that out this morning. Other teams in our division were not so lucky, but maybe they’ll make for easy targets for us this year. We will see.

i have a lot I need to catch up on being gone all day so I will leave off here. Hope everyone has a good workweek planned and to those for whom today was the worst day of their lives 21 years ago, I wish blessings on you to ease the pain. Godspeed.

Eight Years of Bipolar Blogging

So on September 25 of 2014, I was forty-four years and three days old. I had spent a cople of days trying to get my website skills on track, figuring out what I wanted the site to look like and operate as ever since my actual birthday on September 22 that year. I had a lot of material to start with–I had written a hundred or so pages about what it was like to have bipolar disorder, my ups and downs with the disease, and my feelings about my diagnosis.

The courage and naivete it took to expose all of this emotion to everyone in the world was vast. It was right in the middle of the blogging boom, not long after Jenny Lawson had become a spokesperson for women with mental illness with the publication of her first book Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. I had bought a little writing book on how to succeed in the blogging world called How To Blog Your Book, where I followed the steps dutifully to bring awareness of bipolar disorder to the world and bring myself internet stardom.

Now I am one of the few bipolar bloggers who still posts every single day about the struggles I face. I get that I’m not flashy or exciting–I don’t live on the edge on a regular basis, where mania threatens to send me to new heights or depression lurks to drag me over the cliff to suicide. I don’t try to present tips and tricks for overcoming my disability–because I don’t have any outside my mantra of 1) take your medication and 2) stay in treatment, whatever that looks like for you.

What I do best on this site is be honest about what my life is like, humdrum as it seems at this point. I think a boring life with bipolar is the best success story there is. So many people–men, women, children, teens–don’t get to have what I have right now, which is a productive and happy lifestyle. Many people face a different struggle–affording medication, accessing treatment, trying to avoid crisis situations that could send them to the hospital or, as seems to be happening more frequently these days, to jail.

Those people are the ones I try to write for now. I don’t know how best to reach them with my story. I try to write my MCIR stories keeping those people in mind. Every time one of my stories on mental health comes out in a local newspaper somewhere in the world, I breathe a sigh of relief that someone without access to the internet may see it and see hope–that someone who suffers the same illness they do can successfully overcome its ravages long enough to advocate for others.

i appreciate those of you that read and keep up with me. For those of you who pull me aside at church or out in the world and tell me how much I encourage you. For those who send comments and messages on the internet from wherever you are. I want to continue speaking out and being honest. Thank you for inviting me into your lives.

Back from Trip

So we had another great trip, this time just spending time with our youngest. We went to Chattanooga, Tennessee and went to the Tennessee Aquarium, ate at a great burger joint next to it where we found a fellow MSU graduate from Cleveland, MS, and the went to Rock City. After that, we went back to the hotel to rest. We ate again at a great Italian place run like a restaurant ought to be–we walked in at 4:57 p.m., ordered, got fresh, hot pasta dishes, and were out by 5:35 p.m. Tight, tight ship. Then we went to the Zoo this morning and drove back this afternoon.

We had terrible weather driving up; an awful thunderstorm traveled east with us for a good ways until we finally got ahead of it. But after that we never had another drop of rain and the temps were much lower than here. We were able to relax and have a wonderful time.

I held up really, really well. Trips are becoming easier and easier, probably because the girls are grown and now it’s just worrying about packing for me, myself, and I instead of packing diaper bags and all that. I’m looking forward to more trips just me and Bob as we get older. We will see how all it goes. I was actually able to forget about bipolar disorder for a few days, and that is rare, indeed.

Hope everyone has a good start to their week. Godspeed.

Encouragement

Telling people about my struggles with bipolar disorder has always been a focus of my life ever since I was diagnosed. There were particulars that I didn’t tell about my symptoms, but I have never tried to actively hide my diagnosis. I talked about it at church, among my family members, and with friends. I always had the idea that God could use me to help others understand mental disorders and have compassion on those who struggled with depression, anxiety, etc.

Almost every day I hear from someone that this blog has encouraged. When I started my Instagram account, I posted my website on my bio and posted my entries to there. I’ve found out that one of my youngest’s friends is now a regular reader. She says it’s interesting to see someone talking about these issues openly. Today a lady in my Sunday School class said she reads my blog and is encouraged on a regular basis by what I post, especially on days when she just doesn’t have it all together.

The more we talk about mental illness, the more we encourage understanding and compassion for those unfortunate enough to be caught in its grip. I personally have hope because my God has promised in his Word that he can use what we feel are our worst times to ultimately bless us and others. The phrase the Bible uses is that he can redeem the years the locusts have eaten. In other words, my suffering is not pointless–God rewards those who persevere and keep faith with him by blessing them for their persistence and keeping on. I am working on a story for MCIR about how COVID-19 impacted ordinary people’s mental health, and in some cases, made them question everything they ever thought they believed about themselves. But they also found hope at the lowest point–and continue to move on.

I try to show hope to people who may have given up hope. I have been without hope on many, many occasions–so without hope that suicide seemed not only my only option, but the best option for me and everyone around me. That is the disease talking. The disease is real, but it lies to me on a regular basis and makes me believe things that aren’t true. My kids would not just get over my death. My husband would not be relieved that I am gone. My parents would miss me.

I hope this healing season I am in lasts. In another two weeks, I will have made it to another Mother’s Day without going into the hospital for a bipolar episode. That will mark almost two years of relative stability. Pray for me that it will continue. Thank you for reading. Godspeed.