I am kind of struggling with whether or not to continue to try to be an active writer. When I went on disability, I gave myself a deadline of how much longer I would give myself to writing and “making it” before giving up and doing something else.
So that deadline is now here. And I am no closer to “making it” than I was starting out. I have a lot more words written since then, and I have published quite a bit of it in various markets. But I’m nowhere near writing for paying markets and being a “professional” writer with my creative writing. I still have my thesis to finish but I have no idea whether or not it will be marketable or salable by the time I do. I could extend the deadline to when I have finished my MFA, but I’m not sure if that would do me any good to keep chasing after something.
I took this job thinking “This is a good Plan B.” But I don’t know if Plan B is what God really wants. It’s not what I REALLY want. But I don’t want to just sit back and collect disability all my life. All I can do is pray for doors to open whatever the right plan is.
So I went to New Adjunct Orientation last night at the college I am going to work for. It was very nice; we had a nice meal and then orientation on various subjects–the computer resources, the library resources, requirements for syllabus, etc. I still had some questions for my department head, but not nearly as many. So we are working all of this out in the wash.
I need to take out time to go and get my ID and parking sticker and whatnot to start off. I may do it tomorrow after I see Dr. Bishop. Then I will be even more prepared to get going.
I saw Tillie today and she was excited about my new job. She thought It represented a big step forward for me. I think it does, too. Shows initiative and effort on my part getting what I want when I want it. SO we will see how long I can sustain it.
I think I’m going to have to eat my words on something. I always said that when my counselor reached a certain hourly rate, I would be miraculously cured. Well, she went ahead and raised her rates to exactly that this month. But I can’t imagine continuing in my recovery without her. I really don’t know what to do, I will talk to Bob about it at lunch.
So yesterday I went to see where I’ll be working. Started moving early so I could gauge the traffic and get there and back early. I took a GPS and could have found the college without it but had trouble finding the main gate. I finally found it then drove past the building at least twice before I worked out where I was going. I finally found a parking lot then had to hike to the building.
But I walked in at exactly the time the head of the department of English so it was fortuitous that I got goofed around getting there. I recognized him from the website and introduced myself and all. I got a tour of the department and a copy of the four-inch- thick book I’ll be teaching out of. It’s a monster. But It has most of the authors in it that I planned to teach so that is good. I get an office with other adjuncts and a mailbox this time so that is nice.
I’m really excited about doing this. I hope I can do it. I think it’s a good sign that I had the initiative to go our and hunt this down–shows that I’m not depressed and wanting to sit at home all the time. I just hope I can do school with it too. But I’m not scared–I’m looking forward to it all. My remission seems to be holding together, so we will see.
The Christian college that I applied to work for has come through and assigned me a class of British Lit to teach this fall. Now I need to wait and see if someone signs up for it :). I’m going by there today to pick up the book and work out a syllabus for use in the class. Classes start August 21. I’m so excited!
We’ll have logistics to work out like how to make sure Rachel is taken care of getting on the bus. Hopefully the bus will come earlier by that time than it did yesterday :). We didn’t see it until 8:30 am. (Classes start at 8:00). But everyone was held up so it wasn’t a great big deal.
Lo and behold –the bus just came through on time. SO maybe they have all the kinks worked out already. That would be great, I suppose I will run now and get to the school to get my book. Brave the traffic and see what it will be like,
I finally got a nibble on my calls about adjunct teaching. A private college in nearby Clinton, MS called me yesterday and said they possibly would have some openings for fall but definitely for spring. So I am jumping through all the hoops: filing out an application, requesting transcripts, and getting my CV in their hands. One final step for the transcripts and everything should be complete.
I also wrote something really neat last night. There was a contest for baseball writing. I love baseball. And I’ve wanted to do something on a particular baseball player that made a stop at a Mississippi independent team back in 1998. I’ve wanted to write this story for almost 20 years. And I was all ready to do my research and write this compelling story–and I saw the deadline was that night. SO instead I went minimalist. I wrote a nonfiction poem about this story under 200 words that got all the facts in and just shipped it off right after I finished it. So we will see what they think.
I feel so much better than I did yesterday. I hope this job really does work out. The department head sounded very encouraging. So maybe it will.
I did something I’ve been putting off doing–I finally bought “Brain on Fire” by Amy Cahalan and read it. I had heard a great deal about it and had read the AMazon entry about it, so I knew it would be a “competing” title in the marketplace to anything I wrote, so I was interested.
What I read didn’t really distinguish it from other books of the same type I have read except that it was all reconstructed after the fact-she has no memory of the psychosis and had to interview doctors, nurses, her parents, her friends, etc. to get material for the book. So it was masterful in that sense that it reads like first-person memories when it may as well be a third-person interview situation. But I did impress on me that I need to interview people more than I have been doing for whatever I turn out to do. I just don’t know how to go about it.
I’m going back to my therapist early because I got all lined up to do some creative writing yesterday and got hit with another bout of major anxiety. What if it’s no good? What if no one likes it? Am I wasting my time? Why do I think I can write this story? Etc. Etc. On and on.
I thought I had writer’s block beaten. I’m writing here every day, I’m writing for my classes and making all A’s on everything I turn in, I’m actually publishing things, and I sat down and completely freaked out. I had to take a Xanax to calm back down. I wound up in bed watching the minutes tick by all afternoon while the youngest one cleaned her room.
It wasn’t generalized anxiety like last time., It was very specific with a specific locus in my writing. So I’m gong to talk to her and see if I can’t find a way to wire around it.
Wish me luck.