I don’t understand why I am so out of it. I called in sick yesterday afternoon for today’s class because I just couldn’t bear to go. I didn’t have anything graded and didn’t want to take up something else to be graded. I hate grading in this class. I hate this class. I don’t quite hate the kids but I am very, very disappointed in them.
THis all does not bode well for my plans to teach after I graduate. If I can’t handle one class, I certainly can’t handle a full teaching load. And I don’t know if I want to ever try again. But I also know myself in that I will get bored without it. I need to find something I can do and enjoy at least somewhat.
At least I only have three weeks left. I’m going to see Tillie this morning and see if we can’t devise a way for me to make it through those three weeks successfully and get all the papers graded.
I just feel sucky mentally. Not suicidal at this point but I can see how if I don’t stop this right now in it’s tracks, I could easily get there.
Fully half of my class did not have their research proposals this morning, which counted for their midterm exam. I said if you want to print them off and turn them in, do so right now while the rest of the class and I go on with the course. Some did actually leave theirs behind in the dorm because they printed them off right away and turned them in. But others were sitting there writing them as I was teaching. I will give half credit–a 50–to those who were late.
I gave them a sermon at the end of class about how I would be fully within my rights not to take late work and haven’t taken late work up to this point. But I said I would take this one assignment late if they got it to me by 11 am this morning before I left. I will input midterms afterwards when I get home so they will be counted in the grade. I am so mad I could just spit.
One guy actually cursed at me when I didn’t sign off on the other assignment due today because he was 15 minutes late to class. I told him I didn’t allow such language in my class and would appreciate it if he would refrain from that in my classroom. He’s lucky I didn’t throw him out. Unreal.
SO now I need to grade and get the midterms calculated. The teacher after me heard my sermon and came in shaking her head. SHe said, “You’re tough. I can’t be that tough.” I said I could put on my jackboots when I needed to.
Hope every one else can have a better day than mine has started to be. I will see what I can do with what I have. Have a good rest of the week.
SO I met my class this morning and arrived right on time, thank goodness. Handed out the syllabus and went over it, then got everybody to introduce themselves. Then discussed what I expected out of everybody and finally had them do a short writing bit about their experiences in Brit Lit. So that went well.
I have some athletes, some nursing majors, one lit major, some business majors, etc. I have a guy with a broken arm so he was interesting trying to write his paper. But he said he should be out of it in two weeks so hopefully he can do the writing for the first test.
I really did well getting here so that was nice. Hopefully it will continue, I prayed so hard that the traffic would be good and it was. I guess I need to pray that prayer every day so it will continue to go well.
Even though it went well, I’m still having a crisis of confidence with everything. I already think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. No more procrastinating about anything. I need to stay on top of everything so nothing will be behind. But I will do my best and God be with me I will succeed in it all.
So I drove out to the place I’ll be working this year and timed how long it would take me to get there leaving when the bus does. I got there in plenty of time but got crossed up trying to get parking. I was walking up to the building when the church clock chimed 8 a.m. So I would have been a little late this morning. But I talked to the English department assistant and got the scoop on where to park. SO that was good, Got my syllabus printed off as well so that was nice. We will see how many students show up in my banner listing in the next couple of days.
I’m going to go back out tomorrow with that knowledge and make sure I can get there in time. I’ll need to talk to Candy and Christi so I can leave the doors open for them and see them in while I’m gone.
I think it’s going to be a good setup. I’m going to give regular quizzes then then just use those quiz questions to make up the tests. THen I’ll give a three-paragraph essay question for the rest of the test and grade it like a comp essay. I think that will work well.
I am kind of struggling with whether or not to continue to try to be an active writer. When I went on disability, I gave myself a deadline of how much longer I would give myself to writing and “making it” before giving up and doing something else.
So that deadline is now here. And I am no closer to “making it” than I was starting out. I have a lot more words written since then, and I have published quite a bit of it in various markets. But I’m nowhere near writing for paying markets and being a “professional” writer with my creative writing. I still have my thesis to finish but I have no idea whether or not it will be marketable or salable by the time I do. I could extend the deadline to when I have finished my MFA, but I’m not sure if that would do me any good to keep chasing after something.
I took this job thinking “This is a good Plan B.” But I don’t know if Plan B is what God really wants. It’s not what I REALLY want. But I don’t want to just sit back and collect disability all my life. All I can do is pray for doors to open whatever the right plan is.
So I went to New Adjunct Orientation last night at the college I am going to work for. It was very nice; we had a nice meal and then orientation on various subjects–the computer resources, the library resources, requirements for syllabus, etc. I still had some questions for my department head, but not nearly as many. So we are working all of this out in the wash.
I need to take out time to go and get my ID and parking sticker and whatnot to start off. I may do it tomorrow after I see Dr. Bishop. Then I will be even more prepared to get going.
I saw Tillie today and she was excited about my new job. She thought It represented a big step forward for me. I think it does, too. Shows initiative and effort on my part getting what I want when I want it. SO we will see how long I can sustain it.
I think I’m going to have to eat my words on something. I always said that when my counselor reached a certain hourly rate, I would be miraculously cured. Well, she went ahead and raised her rates to exactly that this month. But I can’t imagine continuing in my recovery without her. I really don’t know what to do, I will talk to Bob about it at lunch.
So yesterday I went to see where I’ll be working. Started moving early so I could gauge the traffic and get there and back early. I took a GPS and could have found the college without it but had trouble finding the main gate. I finally found it then drove past the building at least twice before I worked out where I was going. I finally found a parking lot then had to hike to the building.
But I walked in at exactly the time the head of the department of English so it was fortuitous that I got goofed around getting there. I recognized him from the website and introduced myself and all. I got a tour of the department and a copy of the four-inch- thick book I’ll be teaching out of. It’s a monster. But It has most of the authors in it that I planned to teach so that is good. I get an office with other adjuncts and a mailbox this time so that is nice.
I’m really excited about doing this. I hope I can do it. I think it’s a good sign that I had the initiative to go our and hunt this down–shows that I’m not depressed and wanting to sit at home all the time. I just hope I can do school with it too. But I’m not scared–I’m looking forward to it all. My remission seems to be holding together, so we will see.