So I Didn’t Win

I did not win out over my anxiety and suicidal thinking so I wound up back in the hospital Tuesday night in the ER,  I had finally gotten an appointment with my doctor n Wednesday but could not wait that long to see him.  So I went in and got admitted to the intermediate ward.  I’ll write more about it in the days to come as I’m able to process more about it–I’m still adjusting to getting back home and getting my bearings. Just wanted to let everyone know where I had been all this time.





Anxiety Attack

I had a really bad episode last night.  I’m not sure what kicked it off–i didn’t feel great through the day but after navigating traffic yesterday to drop my youngest off at dance.  i started feeling really, really bad.  It just kind of piled up until I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.  I can’t get in to Dr. Bishop today because he is booked but I can go tomorrow and see him at 2 p.m.  Hopefully i can see him then.  If I start feeling bad again today, I’m just going to go straight to the hospital.

Please pray that this won’t happen again today.  I’m feeling all right for right now but I don’t know what will happen later today.  I just know this is awful-feeling and I want it to stop.

MPA Conference

The conference went really well this weekend.  I read my piece and didn’t get any pushback on it–in fact got complimented.  So that was nice. I listened to other people read and that was fun.  I saw one fellow from school on Friday and got to talk to him for a minute or two but not anyone else.  Met a lady, Dr. Kathy Pitts,  whose book I had reviewed many many moons ago and had a good conversation with her.   So I felt the entire bit was worthwhile.

Then Sunday they celebrated our pastor’s tenth anniversary with our church.  They played a video for him Sunday morning, and then he talked Sunday night about his time here and how much he felt he had grown and learned and about good times.  So it was all really nice and a good day all around.

I am so very sleepy.  I dreamed last night that I was writing a novel again.  I dreamed I was writing down notes about characters and plotting out a story.  Dreaming about it was about as tiring as actually doing it–I just can’t seem to wake up this morning.

It’s a really pretty day so far and hopefully we can get our grass cut before it rains again. The clover is very heavy in our front yard and needs cutting badly.   We will see.

Hope everyone has a good start to their week and that the week continues well.

Pretty Day

Finally stopped raining and we have a sunny day.  Hope the weather holds up through tomorrow so I can travel well to the MPA conference in Jackson. I went this morning and picked up registration papers and whatnot but couldn’t stay for any of the readings because I might not beat my youngest back home and get her to dance on time if I did. SO i just mingled for a bit and then just came back.

I’m continuing to send out work now in my third month.  Still waiting to hear from lots of people but that is the way it works.  We will see how things go.

I want to go to sleep but it is too sunny out for that.  I may go for a walk.  I’m not sure.  I just want to do a little something today to say that I accomplished something good for myself.  The Girl Scout cookies keep calling my name today and I don’t need to eat any more today or I will make myself sick.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.  All my girls will be home this weekend so that will be fun.  We’ll go to the bookstore and then out to dinner at Table 100 that night.


Last Night

I feel like ever since the sermon last night about going through a storm in your life, I have been locked in a spiritual battle.  I couldn’t go to sleep last night so I prayed so hard until I finally did pass out.  I know what I believe God’s will for my life is.  I’m just impatient to start realizing it.  I need to get small things published in order to get big things published.  I need to write what God tells me to write, just like the prophets in the Bible did.  But I feel stuck in a rut of a) self-determination and b) unbelief that I can’t get out of.

Old habits die hard.  I’m used to pushing, moving, and shaking to make things happen in my life.  This waiting is driving me straight up the wall.  I prayed so hard last night for clarity–some kind of light in the darkness.  It hasn’t come yet. I know everything I write here reaches somebody that needs to  hear it. I am doing really, really well considering my diagnosis of bipolar disorder and my history of it.  Maybe I should be satisfied with that.

But I’m so restless.  And bored. And tired of feeling like a parasite.  I want to somehow earn my way back into a productive life. I feel like God wouldn’t have given me the desire to do more if I didn’t have the ability and the fortitude to do it.  But the impatience is starting to get the better of me.  I’m scared that in my desire to do SOMETHING I’ll end up doing the wrong thing.

All this to say–pray for me.  I need a breakthrough to confirm I’m on the right path, however winding it is. Or I might just lose faith in the path altogether.  I don’t want to drop out of the Christian life.  I want to do God’s will.  But I need clarity of how to do it.


Even Better

So I talked to Tillie today and feel a lot better.  We traced most of my problem to boredom, and that includes being bored in class.  Not that I need something new to do, I just need to find a way to keep busy that is also fulfilling. I’m thinking about trying to generate new work using the prompts in one of our text books and try to write myself out of the rut I am in with awful endings to stories.  We will see.

Met Bob for lunch today.  That went well.  I told him I’d talked to Tillie about being bleh and we had worked out some solutions.  So I think that may have reassured him a bit.  We will see.

Still sending out everyday now for the second month in a row.  I’m trying to stay positive and hoping that if I send what I have to enough places that it will stick.  I certainly hope it turns out to be true.  I’ve sent to some opportunities I am truly excited about and think the pieces I’ve sent are a good fit.  I will just have to see.

(You’d think those were my favorite words as often I say them: “we will see”.  But it’s all out of my hands once the words are launched into the ether.  So it’s all I can say about the future.)

I’m also going to try reading more.  Reading books I already have that have inspired me in the past and reading books I have piled up unread.  Maybe that will spark a little creativity as well.

Hope everyone has a good rest of the week. I am hoping i can too.


Feeling Better

Not nearly as grumpy as I was yesterday. But not quite where I want to be, either. The weather is helping–it’s nice and sunny out today, although the ground is really, really wet.  I go see Tillie tomorrow and will see if I can clear up the last of this mood.

I’m reading Jeannette Walls’ The Glass Castle. It’s a really famous book and one I was told I needed to read if I was going to try a memoir.  I don’t think mine will be quite like this one–her parents were completely off the wall and raised four kids somehow to adulthood.  But it’s been very interesting to read from a craft perspective and has given me a lot to think about.

Turned in my exercise for my class yesterday–a week early, but I wanted to go ahead and send it in anyway.  I think it turned out well but we will see what Mary says about it.

I have my reading this weekend.  I hope it goes well. Im not sure how it will go.  But we will see.