Tag Archive | bipolar disorder

I Can Feel You Praying

I’m serious. I really can.  I talked to Bob last night about how I was feeling, and he said he understood why I was so spazzed out about all of it. I did go to the grocery store and got laundry done, so i did not give in totally to the paralysis of the day. Today is going to be altogether slower so not as much pushing needs to be done.

We are doing something fun–our little state museum has been granted a traveling exhibit of Monet, Van Gogh, Manet, Picasso, etc. and we are going to see it this afternoon!  And i am going to try to pick out a wonderful Expressionist print for my office wall if they sell prints of this exhibit. If not, I’m going to ask my sister to do a large abstract canvas for me for the office. So that will settle the last decorating decision of my office. FUN!

Bob and my youngest are practicing driving this morning–they were going on a long drive today so see if they can build up her endurance for driving a bit. Bob says she is doing well so that was good to hear.

I have a new idea for my beadwork since my fall clothes are really too formal for plastic beading jewelry–I am going to make school colors bracelets and set up  at the Lutheran Craft sale and give them away. Have a basket full of bracelets and another basket for donations and give the donations to the church. It gives me the fun of doing the beading but for a different reason rather than my own collection. So I will start on that soon and call the church and see when I need to sign a vendor form.

So we will see what today brings. Hope everyone is doing well with the virus and staying safe. Godspeed.


So Here It Comes

Now I know I’m heading for a nice little breakdown. I just froze up yesterday.  Couldn’t work in the house, couldn’t get out even though we needed food to cook for the night, everything. I’m still not over it–I haven’t finished any of the laundry. I just want to go back to bed. I haven’t done it yet but that’s what I want to do.

It’s all the uncertainty. The kids being safe going back to school, my oldest still not able to go back to work, what it’s going to be like for my middle one to go back to State, etc. It’s just crashed in on me and I don’t know what to do except fall into a paralysis because I can’t fix it or manage it or handle it in some way.

I’m glad I have sessions with Tillie and Dr. Bishop next week so maybe I can see my way out of this.  I may just have to go through it and not manage to drop all the way down into a deep depression. I’m just scared is all. Just flat out plain out scared. And I’m trying to learn new ways to deal with fear and uncertainty. Seeking refuge in God is important. Doing what I do know what to do to mitigate the situation is important. Taking what steps I can and leaving the results up to God is where I need to be. But it’s so hard.

I just want someone else to take charge and take care of me so I don’t have do anything. Just get in the bed and sleep.  I wonder if this is what happened to Aunt Lena–she just couldn’t do any more so she took to her bed and let other people take care of her for the next fifty years. I don’t know.

I need to run out to the grocery store.  Then after lunch I will tackle the laundry as best as I can. Wish me strength to do just what I need to do.\


I’m Scared

I may be headed for something interesting.  My get-up-and-go seems to have got up and went. I am SO BORED. I have a week and a half until I start thesis hours, they pushed back school for a week for my youngest and it’s going to be hybrid–she’ll only go twice a week and online the rest of the time–I don’t feel like getting involved in reading or a domestic project, and my MCIR work is at at standstill waiting on people to get back in touch with me.  I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Usually that’s a harbinger of depression. I hope not.  I do not want to be depressed. It’s not a good time of year for it and I can’t stand the thought of it. I’m trying to stay busy within those parameters–I am walking and trying to come up with new stories for MCIR as well. Once thesis starts I may have to heel back on work for them after all. I just don’t know.

I think that is one thing that is bothering me-this sense of the unknown that is coming down on me. After I finish thesis will I be able to keep writing and try to put out a good book and get it sold? WIll I be able to continue to good work for MCIR? What is my youngest going to do about college? Are things ever going to get back to semi-normal? It’s a lot of existential questions, and I hate those. I can’t control these things–they are best left up to God and I’m trying to do that. But they keep intruding on my consciousness.

So pray that time passes for me quickly the next few days so that I don’t have time hanging so heavy on my hands and mind. I just need to find a way to occupy my mind and my time. Thanks for any prayers and good feelings you can send my way.


Getting Going

Slow moving this morning as well. I got up with Bob but went back to sleep after he left.  My sinuses are acting up again, so my nose is all runny. So I didn’t feel really good this morning. But I’m better now. I washed my hair this morning so it’s behaving nicely. But boy, if I move around too much while I’m asleep, I wake up with it standing straight up. i have to wet it with a wet comb and try to get it back into shape or wash it and style it wet!

Logjams seem to be breaking with some of my work so maybe I can finish this up soon.  We will see. I am expecting a call later today that may get me some information.

My youngest’s school start has been put off for another week, according to an email she got. The governor made an announcement yesterday where he mandated five counties to wait until after Labor Day to start and announced a statewide mask mandate for two weeks. We will see what gets accomplished in that time.

I think I am going to go take some sinus medicine and get rid of the last of of this nose-running business. Sorry nothing profound to say today. We are just getting through the days one by one and hoping people get and stay well.  I have appointments next week and hopefully can get through those well enough. Godspeed.


Longest Spring Break Ever! :)

It’s hard getting up in the morning after so MANY months of not having to. 🙂 But so far I am making it. Waiting on Candy this morning and looking forward to visiting with her. I’m actually waking up a few minutes before the alarm goes off–I just don’t feel like getting up directly with it. I like to laze around a bit before I get up. Like 15 minutes.

WordPress needs to fix a kink in its stats.  I keep getting messages that people are liking my posts this morning, but it has registered no views or visitors on my site today. I don’t know what is going on. Unless it’s some sort of bot doing the liking. That’s the only thing I can think of.

I need to try the lawyers again for my story; they never called me back yesterday. We will see what happens. I wonder if I should go ahead and try to do a story on the finding of the body in Choctaw County and it being linked to the kid that disappeared a year ago. Maybe be able to call and prod the state crime lab along to doing something.

My mood is holding well  so far today. I’m just hanging around the house a lot still trying to avoid the coronavirus still. I am still really nervy about the kids going back to school.  I don’t know what they should do about protecting the kids and the teachers.

What I do feel strongly about is that they should cancel all extracurricular activities until the coronavirus is calmed down.  I have a kid in the band and I still feel that way. I really don’t understand what is holding that up. Bob says it’s the money generated for the school by football, etc. but to me it’s just not worth someone catching this stuff and dying over.

Anyway. We will see what happens. Hope everyone has a good day. Until next time. . .



I got up with Bob this morning practicing waking up for school next week. Our youngest needs to get in the habit too so we had her set her alarm and wake up, too  I’ll be driving her in to school this year so i really need to be awake in the morning.  Of course, this morning I went back to bed after Bob left.  So that’s why I’m a little late updating.

Bob sounded a lot better this morning than he has been so he went on to work. I hope he can hold up. I’ve called all my phone calls already and am waiting on people to call back.

I washed my hair this morning and had to figure out how! 🙂 I’ve never had it quite this short where I could just back into the shower and wet it and rinse it that way.  I’m used to turning my head over and washing it that way. But I was able to style it as I rinsed it, and it is behaving admirably.

Kind of have a long day ahead.  I will read some more over my thesis–I started reading it backwards to catch things I might normally skip over so I will probably continue that. See where it takes me. We will see what happens.

Hope everyone has a good day. My mood is holding up well even though I did go back to sleep. I go see Tillie and Dr. Bishop next Tuesday, the day after school starts. So we will see how it goes. Godspeed.




One of my friends asked me to send them a picture over Facebook of my cut and was so shocked! She’s never seen me with anything but long dark hair–she said she wouldn’t have been able to recognize me!  So maybe I will go ahead and change all my social media pictures and not wait on my next styling appointment.  Or you know what? Since I turn fifty in September, then I will do it on my birthday.   That feels right.

I’m going to go to church this morning with my youngest (I think–I don’t know if she’s awake yet). Bob doesn’t seem to feel good this morning–he’s even still in bed. I may be going by myself.

I went to the MFA social and everyone started talking about submitting work.  So I pulled up Submittable and sent off like five things to maybe get published. I seem to do it in spurts–around the fifteenth and the thirtieth/thirty-first/first, which are the usual deadlines for things.  But I think this would be a great tradition to start–pulling us all together for residencies and graduations and maybe a few just-becauses so we can bond more as classmates and pals and inspire each other.

I have to get to work tomorrow and see if I can get this new angle on my drug story done to Jerry’s satisfaction.  I don’t have anything else planned for them between now and school starting except the telehealth follow-up–which the survey seems to be turning into a dud–no one has responded yet. So we will see how that works out later on.

I guess I need to go and get my kid up if she’s going to church with me. And get dressed and whatnot. Hope everyone stays safe from the coronavirus and stays healthy from here on out. Pray as we start school across the nation that we can do it safely and without incident. I know that’s probably a futile hope, but prayer can overcome some mighty things. Godspeed.


Haircut Success

Holly worked her magic and I no longer have any dyed hair on my head–it’s all white  and silver now.  It’s also very, very short, which Bob was not thrilled with.  But it will grow out and he will get used to it.

She at first told me she wouldn’t be able to get all the dyed stuff off.  But she just kept cutting and seeing how much grey I actually had, so she made it work. I really like it.  It feels and looks honest. I imagine people that don’t know me it will age me in their minds when they see me. But that is part of the act of courage you take when you do this.

We have a MFA Zoom social for the summer graduates this morning while Bob will be gone driving with our youngest. So I can debut my new look to them as well! 🙂  I was thinking about waiting until I read for my thesis and really shock everybody, but this will do.

I do not know if Jerry’s new angle on my drug story will work out.  I have to call some lawyers next Monday and see if they will talk to me about this story.  We will see.

I came up with some more memories I need to write down before I forget them again, so I will do a little of that to kill time.  I guess i will sign off and start on that.  Hope everyone is feeling well–all of our Sunday School-mates have made it through coronavirus that I  know of–one lady lost her mother to it and her sister is still in the hospital with it. SO that is sad. Wishing every one well until next visit.




Haircut Day!

I finally go to see Holly and dispense with keeping my grey undercover. It grew out during quarantine and I’ve just decided to roll with it and cut off the dark as much as I can and let it be grey with a beautiful short cut. I’ll need to change all my profile pictures on social media. 🙂  But that’s fine. I always said I’d let it go sometime in my fifties–it just came a little earlier than I planned.

I’ve also decided to just roll with it on my thesis. Work with what I have, keep up with all the notes I get, and split it out later after I graduate.  I think I’m going to go ahead and keep notes myself of what I think of to write about and expand upon as I go and get to work on that as soon as I graduate. I can be self-motivated and work without external deadlines when I’m doing well. The sticking point will be if I get really depressed again. I feel so well right now it’s hard to imagine that but I will just have to pray against it and keep my eyes on the prize of doing this and putting it out in the world.

Well, I need to run wash my hair and get ready for the day. We will see how it goes. Hope everyone is being careful and staying careful of the virus. Everyone have a good day.


Computer fixed AGAIN!

THis time Geek Squad showed me how to disable the touch screen myself if it ever gets activated again by a Microsoft update.  I have been so frustrated with it the past two days.

My oldest got to Florida safely. Took her a long time due to bad weather but made it around 9 p.m. her time.  Hope she got a lot of sleep last night.

Tomorrow I get my hair cut! I am so looking forward to it.  I’m fairly sure I will keep it short because all the women I have seen with long grey hair just look sad. I wish mine was fully white like my Papaw’Dell’s or Aunt FLoy’s was but it’s not–just streaky grey. But maybe it will lighten with the years.

I’ve got to do some more work on my drug story. Jerry had more questions so I am trying to find out what I can to answer his further questions. They will make the story better if I can dig up the answers.  But it takes time.

Now i am at a quandary with my thesis again. I have a first sections, which is before my diagnosis about   100 pages, a central section on being diagnosed which is 94 pages, then the rest which is longer than either on the aftermath and where I am now.  I don’t know if I need to just pick one section for my thesis and focus on making that as descriptive and interesting as I can, or keep it the way it is and try to tell the whole story. I’m just kind of torn.

I need to start laundry for Bob and get dessert.  Hope everyone is staying safe from coronavirus.  Godspeed.