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Resting

Slept in a bit but not too much–I woke up at 8 a.m.  I woke up the first time at 6 a.m. and went back to sleep.  So that was nice. Not feeling pushed to get up by my mania. So I appreciated that.

Talked to Bob the other night once I got home about what I had realized was a core belief I had about not being worthy.  I went through the whole thought process and told him what I had realized/discovered. Then I asked him, “Now I need to know something. Do you think I am worthy?” He immediately responded yes, looking me straight in the eyes.  So that was good to hear. He did tell me that since I had been in this rut for so long that I would probably need to work to break out of it, and I told him I planned to do that working with Tillie. So that conversation turned out well,

I’ve got everything ready to start beadwork! I realized in the hospital that I enjoyed it so much that I should take it up out of the hospital. I bought the wrong kind of cord the first time and had to go back and switch it out, but it wasn’t hard to do. SO now I just need to open all the boxes and get to work!  I’m going to make bracelets to match all my casual outfits to wear with them through the summer. I’ll make the new bracelet the day I wear the outfit so I can match up all the colors.

SO I think I hear Bob getting up.  I lost two pounds in the hospital! I weighed this morning and found that out. I certainly walked the halls enough to do so.  I will go take my meds and get ready for the day.  Hope all of you continue to do well and stay safe.  Godspeed.

 

I Can Write More Today

Yesterday I was a little rushed trying to get everything back in order around the house so I didn’t write much except to update that I was home. I have a little more time this morning. As in early morning. I woke up with Bob with no real sleepiness so that is good.  I am going to ty to run errands, go to the grocery store for the weekend and what not, this morning. I’m going to hold off on work one more day to get things a little more organized.

I went in for extreme paranoia and manic behavior,  No suicide, no depression. So that was it’s own kind of bad but fairly easily resolved–that doctor upped my anti-psychotic and that evened everything out.  Unfortunately it was the expensive ones that I had just filled.  So I had to work something out with my pharmacy but was able to do that. So that was good.

I had a real lightbulb moment while I was there, though. We did a session on core beliefs-deeply held opinions that influence  your actions. The example given was “I am not worthy” as a negative core belief  and “I am worthy” as a positive core belief.  I looked at the paper that spelled all this out–and realized I had been working with a core belief that  I was not worthy.  Of Bob, of my kids, of anything good that happened to me.  That for a long time, ever since I lost my career as a freelancer, that I was no longer worth anything because I couldn’t contribute to the household and I was a burden on Bob and everything that went with that,

And I realized that that core belief was wrong and that I was worthy because Jesus had given his life for me.  And I realized i had to give up that core belief before it caused any more damage to me and my relationships. SO I am going to be working on this in therapy with Tillie and see what I can do to unclog it from my life.

So I guess that’s enough for today.  Thanks to all of you for your loyalty to the site and for keepig a lookout for me when I went radio silent there for a while. Hope all of you are staying safe. Godspeed.

 

 

 

Sorry I’ve Been Gone

I reached a point where I could  no longer manage at home.  I was paranoid and manic. So I went to the hospital on Monday and came back out today.  I just had my medicine adjusted to Latuda 80 mg and hope that it will continue to stabilize me.  I didn’t even feel safe at the hospital with COVID-19 and I felt like everyone was watching me and staring at me wen I first went in.  And I couldn’t stop pacing.  But I feel much better now and ready to continue the cause.  I thank everyone that was praying for me and thinking about me.  I so appreciate it.

 

Unnerved

I finally got so unnerved by how I was feeling yesterday that I called Dr. Bishop and got squeezed into his schedule.  I waited a good while to see him but I’m thinking it was a good idea.  He increased my Klonopin and took me off Abilify and switched me to Latuda, which I’ve never taken before.  I went to bed early last night after taking it and woke up to no grogginess.  SO that was a huge improvement right there.  SO I’ve done laundry and whatnot this morning and plan to take on my reading after lunch and try to concentrate on it.

I really like not feeling so sleepy.  That has been a huge improvement so far.  I go back in two weeks and hope that I  keep feeling good. He said if this combo didn’t work and I kept feeling so bad that the next step would be ECT.  That was a little scary of a thought, so I’m going to make it the best I can on this new medication and see how I can manage.

Pretty day out but chilly.  Some parts north are getting snow but that’s not us thankfully.

Let me be a lesson–if you’re feeling weird, talk to somebody.  Find a doctor that may have the answer.  Keep searching. Have a good weekend!

 

 

 

 

Still Bad

Still feeling worthless and tired.  I hope I can make it through class.  Bob has been so good to me, checking on how I feel.  I am thankful that I don’t feel suicidal–but if we dont’ get this arrested that may be where it leads eventually.  Hopefully Dr. Bishop can see his way to increasing my Lexapro or something to bring me out of it.

It is 28 degrees outside and I hope I can stay warm on the way to class.  I am wearing a big wooly cardigan I got for Chirstmas that should fit the bill yet still look professional.  We will see how it goes.  Supposed o warm to the 50;s so I will only need it this morning unless the wind stays high.

I am so mad at this popping up so early.  Usually January is  a pretty good month.  But not this year.

I need to get ready to go.  Hope everyone has a good weekend–I may come back and PS again with what we find out.

PS Dr. Bishop added Effexor back to my pill regimen and had me stop Buspar.  So we will see if that makes any kind of difference in my mood the next month.  I go back to see Tilie in a week and a half so we will see how that goes as well.  W talked about a lot of things and decided that some of it may have been buried frustration at everyone for how they acted at Christmas and since about things.  So I will try to work through that and see what I may need to do to cope better.

 

 

Leaving

After I packed my clothes, I called Bob’s mom to ask her to come sit with Rachel until Bob got back.  My father-in-law answered and said she wasn’t home and didn’t have her cell phone with her.  I didn’t tell him what was going on, just said we would call back later.  

I packed my contacts and makeup, knowing to leave my meds and other valuables at home.  By then Bob was walking in to a hug from our youngest and asking me how I was doing.  I stayed strong and didn’t cry in front of my daughter.  We called Dr. Bishop’s office since it was still office hours for him, but the staff there told me to call the hospital directly.  I called the behavioral health unit and was told to go to the ER since they had closed assessments for the day.  Everywhere I turned it seemed I was being palmed off on someone else. 

We decided to just drop our daughter off at Bob’s parents’ house, and Bob called to tell his father we were on the way.  His father said that would be fine and wished me well at going into the hospital if that was what I needed to do. 

We went to St. Dominic’s with very little talk, mostly about logistics and who needed to be notified that I might be going inpatient again.  Again we landed in the ER, and again I was taken back to a windowless room with a wooden bed and a rubber mattress and asked to change into disposable scrubs. And again, I was evaluated by a doctor and a social worker and admitted to the intermediate ward and taken across the street in a bus to behavioral health.

 

 

 

Couldn’t Fight

The next morning I called my psychiatrist, Dr. Bishop, and asked his office staff if I could be seen that day, that I was having an emergency.  I already had two appointments that day—one a check up for my daughter and another a check on my cholesterol.  They said the couldn’t see me at all–they were too busy that day.  They offered me a 2 p.m. appointment the next day, and I said yes, thinking I could make it that far.  I was feeling calmer and not so out of control.

But the further it got in the day after my appointments, the worse I felt.  Every time I went into the kitchen for anything, there was that big knife again, with the same thoughts of how much it would hurt to cut myself but how good it would be to be done with life. 

I don’t really know what made the thoughts jump on me like that.  Yes, I had gotten rejections on my writing but that wasn’t anything new. Yes, I had some thoughts about how I was still upset at my job not working out at the first of the spring semester and feeling like dead weight in the household even though I handled cooking, laundry, scheduling, and some cleaning.  But I didn’t want to spend my days doing just that. I wanted to work. I kept feeling more and more hopeless and helpless but held on until my youngest came home from school.

I thought that talking with her about her day would get my mind off of mine.  But it didn’t.  I finally called Bob at 4:20 p.m. and got him on the phone. I was terrified to start cooking dinner and handling that knife. I told him, “I need you to come on home.”

“Are you okay?” he said.

“No, I’m not. I can’t wait any longer on going to the hospital,” I said.

He said, “Okay.  Call Mom so she can come get Rachel and I’ll be home just as soon as I can.”   

    I went back to the master bedroom closet and started packing. I pulled open drawers in my closet unit and pulled clothes off of hangers to stuff into my large duffel bag. I had the presence of mind to get three pajama sets and three casual pants sets and three sets of underwear.  I thought I probably wouldn’t stay longer than that.  I would get my medication adjusted or otherwise managed and be out.

  

Here We Go Again

“Here we go again.”

That was the major thought in my mind in March 2018 when I found myself being driven to the hospital in Jackson where I had always ridden out my suicidal urges.  This time was more serious—I kept imagining picking up the big knife laying on the kitchen counter and chopping at my left wrist with it.  Just go ahead and cut it and bleed out.  Get it over with; be done with life.  I don’t know if such imaginings are what’s called command hallucinations, but something serious was definitely going on.

It had started Monday.  I had experienced such thoughts throughout my day through the afternoon.  I told Bob, “I need to talk to you,” as soon as he came through the door with our youngest daughter in tow from dance practice.

He sent her upstairs to change, and I tried hard not to cry as I told him where my thoughts had been going throughout the day.  We tried my doctor’s office to see if they had an emergency number for him, but there was none.  We ate dinner, and Bob kept asking me how I was feeling, if I still wanted to go to the hospital.  By now we had made my daughter aware of the situation, and being thirteen and us having recently had a talk about my troubles, she knew the situation was serious.

As we went through the nighttime routine, I got calmer and calmer.  After dinner, we decided to watch old Bugs Bunny cartoons on DVD to get my mind off the seriousness of the situation.  I sat and watched the classics on the DVD—where Marvin the Martian was introduced, the Barber of Seville sketch, one of the “Duck season! Rabbit season!” sequences, and ended with the “Kill the Wabbit” masterpiece featuring Wagnerian opera. 

By then I thought I would be okay through the night.  I took a hot bath and went to bed.

 

  

So I Didn’t Win

I did not win out over my anxiety and suicidal thinking so I wound up back in the hospital Tuesday night in the ER,  I had finally gotten an appointment with my doctor n Wednesday but could not wait that long to see him.  So I went in and got admitted to the intermediate ward.  I’ll write more about it in the days to come as I’m able to process more about it–I’m still adjusting to getting back home and getting my bearings. Just wanted to let everyone know where I had been all this time.

 

 

 

Fallout

So now I’m dealing with the mental fallout of mu little episode–I’m sleeping and I can’t organize my thoughts to do anything  coherent.  Going to the grocery store sent me into another little anxiety fit, especially when I got there and realized I didn’t have any checks.  I knew if I went home to get them I wouldn’t go back, so I just charged it.   I hate doing that.  So I got the minimum and will need to go back Monday and get the rest of it.  So.

I’m really scared I’ve ruined a friendship with what I’ve been writing.  I was talking to an old friend about what I was up to, and he said he’d be willing to look over it and tell me what he thought.  And now I haven’t heard from him for almost a week.  I know he’s busy and all, but I’m scared something I wrote just went too far for him.   And he doesn’t know how to react to it. So there is that to bug me.

I;m so tired but sleeping doesn’t make me feel better.  It just keeps the anxiety at bay.