I finally forced myself back to the grocery store for what all I forgot yesterday. I just don’t want to be around anybody or do anything with anybody right now. I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t know what’s wrong. THe last time I did this in the summer time was after my big car accident ten years ago. I don’t know if this merits another therapy session or not. I’ll see how I do this weekend going out with the family to run errands and whatnot.
And today shows why–I’m anxious before I go and I always forget something and have to go back. Very very frustrating. I had to take a Xanax before I left, and I wound up forgetting buttermilk and chicken. I’ll go back tomorrow unless there is something that holds me up. I am just not up to going back today.
It’s better now that I go twice a week and don’t buy as much each time. Even going with a list like today I forget things, though. I don’t know why I’m so incompetent at this at this stage in my life at it. Just one more thing my disorder seems to be stripping away from me. I do not like the idea of being one of those women who can’t manage life. But sometimes I feel like I need to get into assisted living as soon as my children are out of the house. Then it’s all taken care of and I don’t have to worry about doing it all.
Except for that, it’s been pretty calm around here. THe oldest is at work and my middle one is working at the school to help with freshman orientation. ABout one more week until school starts for them.
I have two more pdrojects for my class–a flash find (a research project where I post a discussion for the other classmates), and my final paper. I’ve gotten a’s on all my papers so far, so I don’t think I”ll have a lot of trouble with either one. We will just have to see what all I can get done for them.
For my final paper I have to pull together all the plays and articles we read this semester and find an overarching theme in them that defines 20th century theatre. Big order. But I think I will have it licked. I have a good thesis and a good idea on how I’m going to argue it. We will have to see how it turns out.
My baby girl asked Jesus into her heart at church camp last night! She came home today and told us. We are so happy as a family to welcome in a new little sister all over again :).
I have been praying for this day since I finally got right with the Lord several years ago. Mothers, continue to pray for your children. Prayer does work and has life-changing consequences. She is going to be baptized this coming Sunday, and we are so happy. I got to talk to her today about what that means, how, it is a picture of us identifying with Jesus’ death and raising from the dead. I could not be more proud of my baby.
Soon school will be starting and I will have to actually get out of bed once the alarm goes off. I tried and tried to get up with BOb this morning and I finally wound up getting out of bed at 7:30 a.m. We had stayed up a little bit late and I had had a hard time going to sleep, but I don’t know what I can do about getting up early with the medication load I have to take.
I just never, ever feel like I’ve gotten enough sleep. Even if I sleep all day I still can’t wake up to next morning feeling rested. I just wish I could sleep soundly and wake up feeling good. I never do.
I’m not quite sure that I’m not heading for something interesting. Some of my obsessions are trying to come back and that really scares me. I’m fighting them but feel a little hopeless right now on a lot of fronts so I am not sure how successful I’m going to be in fighting them off. Please pray that I don’t give into them again.
I’m waiting for getting my oil changed and getting things going. Called one of my old freelance outlets with a news tip this morning and that made me feel good. We’ll see if they do anything with it.
Got two more rejections Friday–which I felt like made me come out ahead in that I thought with the pattern of the week that I’d get four :). We’ll see how this week comes out.
I turned in a piece on “how my brain works” for my guest blogging gig talking about what it’s like to have bipolar disorder. SO it was interesting to really think my way through how I operate every day. It made me realize how well I’m doing now compared to how I used to do. So that was a good realization to come to.
I got three more rejections yesterday. A lot of doors slammed in my face. I am really taking it as signal that I need to concentrate on new work and learning everything I can in my workshop classes about revision. I sent out a post to Defying Shadows, the Canadian blog I write for. It’s scheduled to appear the 28th. It’s about what a day in my brain is like. I hope I explained myself well enough. I felt good about going ahead and writing it when it would have been so easy to give up.
The youngest one goes to camp this weekend and is gone until Wednesday. I hope she has a good time. She’s all packed up and ready. The oldest is also going off for the day to New Orleans with some church friends and hopefully will have a good time there.
So please keep thinking about me as I try to do new work and learn more in my c lasses.
That’s kind of how I feel this morning. Not doubting God or doubting the person of Jesus, but doubting myself. I read a very good book this weekend on doing God’s will, doing what only you can do for God and for others. It was called God is Always Hiring by Regina Brett. It really lit me up to write and to write what only I could write.
But I’m still fuzzy on the details. DOes that mean I should only write about bipolar disorder and not try to do fiction any more? I want whatever I write to be God-honoring, and I’m not sure my older fiction I’ve been trying to place is that. That doubt is what triggered my anxiety Monday, then I got three rejections Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m okay with them, even though they were major projects that were rejected. So what do I do now, God? I guess is my question.
SO pray for me as I continue to seek direction.
So I talked to my therapist about my anxiety attack. It seems to go back to me feeling so awful about my year off from writing. I am still angry about it and had in the back of my mind that if that hadn’t happened, maybe I would be more successful in my writing then I have been. How unreasonable it all felt at the time. And how lately Bob seems to be making decisions for me and not listening to my opinions on things–just like he did then.
All of this hurts a great deal to think about. I don’t know what to do with all the anger. I just sat and cried in her office talking about it. The whole issue is very frustrating and angry-making. But it was really such a weight lifted off me to see her and talk about it. I felt much better once I got home.
I’m going back to my therapist early because I got all lined up to do some creative writing yesterday and got hit with another bout of major anxiety. What if it’s no good? What if no one likes it? Am I wasting my time? Why do I think I can write this story? Etc. Etc. On and on.
I thought I had writer’s block beaten. I’m writing here every day, I’m writing for my classes and making all A’s on everything I turn in, I’m actually publishing things, and I sat down and completely freaked out. I had to take a Xanax to calm back down. I wound up in bed watching the minutes tick by all afternoon while the youngest one cleaned her room.
It wasn’t generalized anxiety like last time., It was very specific with a specific locus in my writing. So I’m gong to talk to her and see if I can’t find a way to wire around it.
Wish me luck.
SO I’ve survived another year–we had our last competition this weekend until January of next year. The girls did well, earning highest honors in one dance and 2nd highest for all the others. The classes were good as well–one I actually enjoyed watching was musical theater–it did a scene from a musical about a newspaper reporter in New York. It was funny to watch him teach it and the girls learn it.
But I am so very tired today from the trip. I slept in despite my best intentions. But I’ve done grocery shopping and laundry so don’t feel too bad about being a little lazy this morning. We’re not quite off the merry-go-round yet–the little one leaves Saturday for church camp and will be gone until Wednesday. And the middle one has already started band camp for next year. So there’s some overlap in activities. But we do have one week that is clear before school starts and I’m hoping everything will go well.
I did fairly well during the competition but was really jumpy and antsy during the two days of classes. I tried to read the whole time and did do two books but I spent a lot of time pacing around outside, too. Very anxious. Even with Xanax. But now I’m home and can rest up a bit.
Not Quite Right 