Archive | February 2019

Nothing

I haven’t done anything today except sleep and check my emails.  I slept in this morning after everyone left and am just now waking back up.  Bob is going to come home early since his cough is still so bad so I need to get up and get to doing a little bit–get dressed, etc.  I suppose I will try to spend the afternoon grading. I don’t know why I’m avoiding it so badly with this assignment. But I feel like I need to hand it back tomorrow so I am going to do my best to buckle down and do it.

I have this eerie feeling that I want to resign here in the middle of the semester so I won’t be taxed with grading any more.  But I can’t do that–I’ve just got to plow through and get it done.  Almost midterms and spring break so that will be nice to get paid and to know I’m halfway done.

So sleepy still.  I’m going to drink another Coke then get started.  Wish me well and that I can concentrate enough to finish.

PS The Coke helped.  I graded them all, finishing early in the afternoon.  Now I have time to go to the grocery store and I feel a lot better about myself.

 

Another Pretty Day

So far we have avoided more rain where I am, although it’s still raining in other areas of Mississippi that don’t need more rain, so it’s another gorgeous day today with sunshine and warmth.  I am feeling better today, able to put on makeup and go through my day in a more prepared fashion.  I will be grading papers again after I do this post and see how far I can get through them before I have to go home and check on Bob.  He is going to the doctor this morning and we will see exactly what they can do for him at this point.

I talked to Tillie about my motivation levels and she advised me to not be so hard on myself.  Take one day at a time and set one goal to accomplish in a day so I can feel successful if I manage to accomplish it and maybe one more.  I told her I had just lost the connection between effort and payoff was all–it’s no longer enough to do something for the inherent good in it to myself.  I want some kind of evidence that it matters what I do.  I just don’t know how to get the connection back.

I’m not depressed in mood yet–I’m trying to stave off that happening.  I am trying to take care of myself and everything else I have to do to keep that kind of depressing loop from taking hold in my mind.  Problem is that my lifestyle just isn’t very validating right now.  I do get paid soon for my teaching, which will help somewhat.  I will soon need to do another assignment for Drama which will pretty much be torture in that I still have no idea what to do for it.  I need to catch up on my reading in it but again, since there’s no test or discussion to study for, I am feeling profoundly unmotivated to do it.  But I will try tomorrow if I finish my grading by then.

I am just glad I have thus far avoided the flu, etc. that is going around.  Hopefully Bob and my youngest can avoid it as well.  We will see.  Bob is sick enough with just his allergies that he certainly doesn’t need that as well.  I can’t afford to get sick and I can’t really afford for the youngest to get sick either where I need to stay home with her.  I suppose we could make it work if we needed to but it would be hard.

So I supposed I need to sign off and start grading.  Hopefully it will start to go quicker and I can get more done.  We will see what happens.  Hope everyone has a good Wednesday.

Pretty Morning

It’s a nice morning out–sunny and warm.  But we’re predicted to have more rain, which we definitely do not need.  There’s flooding all around us, and although we’re safe from it here, it is totally devastating huge swaths of communities around us.

I go see Tillie today at 11 then Holly for a cut and color at 12:30.  So my morning will be occupied.  I just need to be productive before I leave and see what all I can get accomplished.  Not sure what I’m going to be able to do. There’s so much to do I’m afraid I’m going to get paralyzed trying to figure it all out.

I feel pretty good this morning except for that creeping paralysis of mind that I get when I do have too much to do.  I’ve wished for this lots of times, but I will wish it again.  I wish I weren’t mentally ill.  I wish I could just face life and cope with it.  Do what I need to do to live and not have all this extra worry that I am ten minutes of stress away from falling completely apart.

I remember coping so much better with stress in some ways when I was younger. Maybe I’ve just gotten too old to beleive the nonsense stuff I used to do to “do it all”.   Maybe all my psychic space where I used to work full-time is now taken up by school. I don’t know.

I don’t like feeling fragile.  I want to be strong.

 

 

 

Recovery

I am recovering from Birmingham.  The girls did wonderfully–they won Judge’s Choice Awards and placed in the top three for three of their four routines so they did really, really well.  But it was still twelve hours straight at the theater where  they danced for us and so we are still tired.  Bob is good and sick with his allergies and plans to go to the doctor Wednesday unless somehow forced to do so today or tomorrow.

Class today went well–I have a bunch of questions to email to the guy who trained me in Comp II trying to see what is coming up and how I need to prepare. We will see how it goes.  Almost halfway through the semester so that is good.  I am ready to be done with teaching this semester.  I have not enjoyed it as much as I did the lit courses I was able to teach before.  I may not teach again here, but that will be all right if it’s God’s will.  Hopefully I can get Brit Lit again and see what there is to explore in the new anthology.

The research topics may be interesting.  One girl put out her research questions as “Are people with schizophrenia dangerous?” which kind of set me back on my heels.  I have to fight to remember these are eighteen-year-olds who don’t know very much about the world.  I treat them like adults so I think they should think like them, but they don’t.  They have so much to learn.

I need to start grading  papers for this class–I didn’t take them on my trip because I knew I would not have time, and when  we got back I was really tired and in no mood to grade fairly.  SO that was that.  I will start on them when I finish this up and knock out what I can during office hours.  Tomorrow will be too busy as well–I have TIllie, then Holly, then a W conference Tuesday night.  So I need to get them done today.

I feel better now that Birmingham is behind me.  Next up is the Spring Break competition the first weekend of spring break and then our Spring Break trip to Fairhope AL to see the crafts show on the last weekend.  I am looking forward to that.  Last time we went Rachel was very small so it will be nice to revisit it.

I guess I will start grading.  Hope everyone has a good beginning to their week.  Thanks so much for reading!

Only Ten O’Clock

It’s only 10 a.m. and I already feel like I’ve been through a wringer.  Class wasn’t hard, just going over what’s coming up but no one wanted to sit still and be quiet for it.  SO we will see if they remember anything that was said today next week.

Packing to go to Birmingham this weekend for dance.  I’m not looking forward to it but not actively dreading it either.  We will see how it turns out.  What will be, will be.

I feel like going back to bed but am going to try to resist that temptation and try to get some things done around the house and see what I can accomplish.  But we will see how long I hold out from going back to bed.

Bob and I are going out for lunch today–I think it will be fun.  We’re going to Sonny’s BBQ and should enjoy that.  He just doesn’t want to leave any dishes lying around while we’re gone.  So we will go out to lunch and eat tonight on the road after we get my youngest from school this afternoon.

My mood seems to be holding–I have to pick up some refills for my meds before we leave so I will be doing that this morning at some point.  Dr. Bishop took me off of Lexapro and just told me to take the Effexor for a while and see how it does me.

Well, I need to log off and do some of those house things after I finish checking on schoolwork and what not.  We will see how it goes.  Wish me well  during all the dancing.

 

 

Grading

Not really.  I need to grade and have had trouble starting.  At least I have laundry running now and am doing this blog so as soon as I sign off the computer I can start.  I’ll just work my way through them and see what I can do today.

Got my friend Candy to sign up to go with me to the playwright showcase!  So Bob will stay here with Rachel and she and I will drive up Wednesday after lunch and just hang out together and all! until the event and spend the night that night and come back Thursday.  She sounded really excited about going with me.

So sleepy.  That’s why I’ve had so much trouble starting grading. But I’m going to do it today and get done.

The day is so dreary.  One more reason to just stay in bed.  BUt next week the rain is supposed to move out so we will see if we have some sun.

Well, if I’m going to get going I may as well start.  Hope everyone has a good rest of the week!

Wet Day

Very rainy and wet today.  A typical February day.  The weather is why I hate early February so much (although we are starting to get into late February by now).  Hopefully after this storm goes on all week it will ease up on the rain and we can have some sunshine.  I am looking forward to the sunshine.

I had a better day yesterday trying to let go of worry.  I talked to Bob and we came to the conclusion that I really don’t have anything to worry about–we’re financially stable, our girls are doing well (and if two of them aren’t, it’s really out of our hands at this point), and our marriage is on an even keel.  I told him most of what I got worried about was related to his expectations and needs, and he told me that I needed to let go of that.  SO that was good to hear.  I didn’t get as much done on my to-do list as I needed but I can keep going knowing that I can manage as best as I can and I do not have to “do it all” by myself.

I do need to start grading now that I feel better.  I can be fairer to the kids today than I could have yesterday.  I will start going through those research journals once I get home.  I am trying to use this time to decompress from being in class and on point and do my constructive work at home.  We will see how that works out.

I will see TIllie next Tuesday and see what we can talk about.  Next Tuesday is going to be busy, busy–I have Tillie, then Holly for my haircut and color.  Then the usual Tuesday stuff.  We go to  Birmingham this weekend and will see how the girls do in dance competition for the first time this year.  THe dance teacher has come up with a complex hairstyle for them but has assigned a dance mom to do my youngest one’s hair for it so I don’t have to worry about it.  I am so glad.

We will see how the rest of the week goes.  I think it is going to go well.  I am trying to be positive and everything for it.  I feel better so that will make things go better. I am looking forward to trying to finish my school work and get everything ready for the trip this weekend.  Hope everyone else has a good rest of the week.

 

Emerging Voices

Got some good news–the theatre department of my school has selected a play I wrote last year for playwriting workshop to be part of a showcase of new plays in March during Homecoming Week.  We just have to figure out something to do with the youngest one so we can go up, let me be part of the Q&A, then come back.  But I”m sure we can figure something out.

Talked to Dr. Bishop today–he had some good advice about caring vs worrying.  He said if caring means doing something about something that is important, then I should care.  But if it means simply worrying about something, then I shouldn’t.  In other words, I’ve fallen right back into the trap of thinking that if I am worrying about something, I am taking action on it.  So I am going to discuss this with Bob since everything I seem to worry about in this kind of needless way is directly tied into his possible anger at me for something I am doing or not doing.

Rainy wet weather today.  It will be a good day to stay inside and work on inside things like laundry and grading and school work.  No worrying allowed! 🙂

I need to get going on that very to-do list and get it done.  Thanks for reading and supporting the blog.  I appreciate you all.

Stomach Bug

I spent Saturday down with a stomach bug.  I slept almost all weekend.  I didn’t go to the dance competition and I went to morning church but not night.  I was so weak, and that was after only one incident of actually throwing up.  I did get to see my middle child–she came on down to visit although we gave her the option not to and my parents did as well even though we called them ahead of time too.  I think being social for a little while helped my mood but I had no strength to do anything.  I slept the rest of the day then we went to get me a baked potato and I slept some more.

And it might not have even been a bug– it might have been psychosomatic because the book I’ve been reading for class talks in gruesome detail about how the author has a phobia about throwing up and the efforts the doctors have gone through to help him. So it may have psyched me out. I don’t even know.  I am so touchy right now it doesn’t take much to throw me off mentally.  I get to talk to my psychiatrist about it tomorrow.  I don’t know what else he can do–I did well for three days there then the crippling free-floating anxiety came back.  I did think to do some yoga to relax after I got sick–I did repeated “cat” and “cow” poses until I felt relaxed.

I finally came up with what is bothering me about my Drama class.  I don’t get what he is driving at.  It reminds me of how I felt SO long ago in my Form and Theory of Poetry class I took back the last time I was in grad school.  I just had to sit down with the professor and tell him how lost I felt and get some clarity.  I think I am going to do that tonight in conference with my Forms in Drama teacher and see if I can get the same kind of clarity.  I mean, he’s not going over anything I haven’t already seen–several of the plays I’ve read before (although I don’t really remember them) and I took Greek Lit at Ole Miss, Intro to Theatre at MSU, and 20th Century Drama with this same teacher a few summers ago.  But I just feel so lost at how he is approaching it.  SO I will try to talk to him and figure out a way for the class to make sense.

My youngest is having her teeth worked on today and Bob took her–when we scheduled it she was going to be off school but they had a snow day between then and now so he had to pick her up at school and all that.  So hopefully she will do well.  I am going to leave office hours early and go home so Bob can go to work as soon as they get back.

I took up Research Journals today in my class I am teaching and will be trying to grade those.   I am tempted  to cut them huge breaks because I am too tired and sore and mentally worn out to care.  But that would be a disservice to them and those who did work to do it right.  So I will read over them carefully and see who did them right and who did not.

I need to make some copies then I am going to head home to catch my youngest from finishing her doctor’s appointment.  I am so sleepy and so disorganized thinking today.  I may put off grading until tomorrow in hopes that I feel better.  We will see.

 

WOndering Where This Is Going

I told Bob yesterday that I was very tired.  I was tired of caring so much about everything.  I was tired of worrying about everything.  I was tired of wondering if I’m doing  things “right”.  I want to just stop caring so much. He told me to keep an eye on that feeling because my deep depressions typically start with me no longer caring about anything. I told him I just wanted this feeling of inadequacy and pressure to “do better” to stop.

I don’t know why I am feeling this way.  WEll, I think maybe I do.  I got my first B ever in this graduate program on my critical paper for Drama.  Now I’m scared to write anything for class thinking it won’t be any good.  Or I’ll miss the point of the exercise and do it wrong.  And it’s bleeding out into the rest of my life.  I just want to get in bed and stay there.  I mean, if I’m disabled and going ot be for the rest of my life, why don’t I start acting like it.?  Take to my bed and stay there like my Great-Aunt Lena did.

I mean, what am I accomplishing with my writing?  What am I accomplishing with the house stuff?  What am I accomplishing with anything I’m doing?  I am trying to raise a child and she doesn’t even want to interact with me without me practically forcing her to.  What am I getting out of what I do?  Satisfaction with doing well according to myself is just not cutting it for me. It used to be enough.  But now it isn’t.

This time of year is always when I start going down.  Starting around my youngest one’s birthday and Valentine’s Day.  I go see Dr. Bishop next week and can talk to him about it and to Tillie the week after that.  We will see.