I told Bob yesterday that I was very tired. I was tired of caring so much about everything. I was tired of worrying about everything. I was tired of wondering if I’m doing things “right”. I want to just stop caring so much. He told me to keep an eye on that feeling because my deep depressions typically start with me no longer caring about anything. I told him I just wanted this feeling of inadequacy and pressure to “do better” to stop.
I don’t know why I am feeling this way. WEll, I think maybe I do. I got my first B ever in this graduate program on my critical paper for Drama. Now I’m scared to write anything for class thinking it won’t be any good. Or I’ll miss the point of the exercise and do it wrong. And it’s bleeding out into the rest of my life. I just want to get in bed and stay there. I mean, if I’m disabled and going ot be for the rest of my life, why don’t I start acting like it.? Take to my bed and stay there like my Great-Aunt Lena did.
I mean, what am I accomplishing with my writing? What am I accomplishing with the house stuff? What am I accomplishing with anything I’m doing? I am trying to raise a child and she doesn’t even want to interact with me without me practically forcing her to. What am I getting out of what I do? Satisfaction with doing well according to myself is just not cutting it for me. It used to be enough. But now it isn’t.
This time of year is always when I start going down. Starting around my youngest one’s birthday and Valentine’s Day. I go see Dr. Bishop next week and can talk to him about it and to Tillie the week after that. We will see.
I took my youngest in for a check up today and it just about turned into an all-day affair. We got there early at 9:45 and didn’t leave until 11:15 a.m. SO I am just now getting home and getting things going–I need to start Bob’s laundry and go to the grocery store. So I feel a little rushed and stressed.
I dont’ really want to do anything–I am sleepy and not motivated at all. I just want to sit and maybe read. I have started on a memoir of anxiety which has been interesting. It’s more like the memoirs about bipolar disorder I am used to reading–lots of research, etc. But I dont’ want to do all of that–I just want to quote the DSM-V about it and leave it at that instead of getting into the neurotransmitters and all that good stuff.
Bob took me and Rachel out to lunch after the doctor’s appointment–Don’t tell the school 🙂 We went to Fannin Mart and enjoyed that. We usually wait and go out as a family on the weekend after Valentine’s but we were in the neighborhood when his lunch hour started so we met up. It was nice.
I guess I need to get busy doing whatever I’m going to get done today. Just not feeling it. Hope I perk up some later on. Hope everyone is having a good Valentine’s Day,
I missed my exit on the interstate this morning–instead of following 1-20 to Clinton, I went up I-55 North like I was going into Jackson. I woke up before Pearl Street and thought, “What have I done?!’ I took Pearl Street exit to turn around. Good thing I left a few minutes early so I still got to class on time. But I was in another world this morning–I just couldn’t wake up.
My lunch together went well–we talked about our classes and other interesting things. She seems like a really sweet person and I hope we can get together more often.
It is hot in this office–it’s chilly outside but I may have to prop the door open–it is really stuffy in here. But the sun is out so that makes me happy. I like a sunny day even if it is chilly out.
Class went well–we worked on finding commonalities in the research we’ve done so far and on finding commonalities with other research bits we have collected. So that has been useful. We work more on it next time and then everything is due. That will be fun to grade all of that individual work. Hopefully it will go well. I will be in Birmingham that weekend so won’t get any of the grading done then–I’m not taking student papers to grade in a hotel room–I don’t want to lose them.
My middle daughter comes in this weekend so we are looking forward to that. Hopefully it will go well. My parents are coming down on Saturday as well so we will see how that will go. It’ll be the first time we’ve seen them since Christmas.
Hope everyone’s week is going well! Happy Wednesday!
I’m getting together for lunch with a new person today–Lauren from my Drama class. We found out last semester that we are in the same geographic metro area and are just now getting together to meet up and see what we can find in common. So I think it’s going to go well. We will see.
I also see Candy and Christy today–I’ve been missing them when they come clean because I’ve had appointments and class and what not for the past two weeks so I am looking forward ot getting to chat and all.
TOday is my youngest’s fourteenth birthday. It has been so wonderful watching her mature and grow up over that past year. She is so responsible–makes me think of her middle sister around the same age. My oldest was not quite as responsible as these two at the same age. But she has grown into it as well and is doing well becoming a full-fledged adult so I cannot complain. WE redid my youngest one’s bedroom and bath with new paint and curtains and also gave her a collectible Barbie and a movie–The House With A Clock in the Wall. So I think she came out okay.
I made an 89 on my critical essay–he said I was ambitious but didn’t quite pull it off–he offered to let me revise it to get it to an A-, if I revised the ending. I am thinking about it. I want to do it to show him I am serious about getting an A in the class, but I am also tired of writing about that one particular play. SO I wrote him a note to clarify what he meant by revise and hopefully will get an answer soon so I can knock it out then go on to my research essay for Memoirs.
I am so sleepy. I may get another Coke before I try to drive this morning so I won’t fall asleep at the wheel. I still coughed last night so I didn’t sleep just great. But it wasn’t too bad and I didn’t keep Bob awake so that was good. I have so much to do. Laundry and writing and etc.
It looks gloomy outside but it is still early in the morning so maybe the sun will come out later on. I hope so. But it’s February so it may as well look like it outside. Hope everyone has a great day and week!
Is cutting in and out–I’ve been coughing the past day or so and now my voice tried to quit during my lecture this morning. But I got through what I meant to get through and let them go early. We start on the difficult research journals next time so we will work our way through that. So much fun! 😉
This weekend was good–my youngest had her friend birthday party with a friend over to spend the night. She had invited three but one had plans and another one was sick when it came time to have the party. But they had fun together and whatnot. Played cards a lot–Bob and I even played Uno with them and had fun.
Made an A on my first craft paper for Drama–he said I needed to narrow down my thesis and make sure everything that ended up in the paper related to my thesis. So I hope my critical paper holds up as well. I turned it in before the craft paper was graded so I hope he does not hold the same mistakes against me too harshly.
I am incredibly sleepy. I was all day yesterday, too. I hope it’s not the depression returning. I need to do too much today since I spent yesterday afternoon napping. I need to go to the grocery store and do my laundry and all kinds of things. We will see how it all goes after my office hours this morning.
I need to start on my research paper for Memoirs tomorrow. WE will see how that goes. I am a little shaky on what I’m going to do so please pray I can figure it out and what I can accomplish with it.
It’s all cloudy and drippy outside today–it’s not cold but they say it will be later this week. That’s February in Mississippi for you. Back and forth between spring and winter for a while until it settles into spring in late February and early March. I’m looking forward to it. I love the sunshine.
Well. I guess I will sign off. Hope everyone has a good start to their week. Happy Monday!
This starting to feel like a trend! I hope it continues because I have things I need to get done. I have my research assignment for Forms in Drama and an upcoming research assignment for Memoirs as well. I am so glad I don’t take classes in wholesale lots because I could never juggle that many deadlines. I’m having enough trouble with these.
Getting class going in the class I’m teaching–in another two weeks we’ll have the group project done and will be starting on the solo project. That is the way the course is set up. So hopefully I won’t have another deadline for my classes the weekend that I am grading those papers. I don’t think I will so I am set until midterms.
My youngest has her birthday party tomorrow. I need to bake the cake tonight, I think. I will write and research during the day and bake tonight. That sounds like a plan.
I am still sleepy and still without much of an appetite. But my mood has brightened considerably and I think I will be able to do this paper today. I am still scared of it, but I think I can do it. I would like to have feedback on my other paper first but I don’t think that is going to happen. I may write it today but not turn it in until I do get some feedback on my last paper for Drama and revise with that feedback in mind.
I am trying to decide if I need to eat “brunch” before I start typing on the paper. I was a little hungry right after class but it has passed. I think I will still eat before I settle into it seriously typing so I won’t have to interrupt the flow of writing with lunch when lunchtime rolls around.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
I am still feeling better. I get to see Tillie today and tell her about the turnaround. That will be nice. I am glad the Effexor started working so well so quickly. I don’t know as I’ve ever recovered so quickly from the start of a depression as I have this time. I suppose it’s because I didn’t wait for it to develop more—I jumped right on it with medication and therapy.
I’ve started on my paper but need to finish it soon. Hopefully I can get to it before Sunday. I had planned to do it this morning but my computer has been acting up. The mouse is being nonfunctional most of the time. I’m having to do a lot with the touch screen functions. Just learning a new way to operate it.
I suppose I need to run get ready soon to leave. Hope everyone else is also having a good day and that you are able to complete your goals or to-do list or however you organize your life. I feel good to even be able to have a to-do list I can accomplish in mind! 🙂 Until next time. . .