Trying to Stay Awake

I am trying to stay awake this morning.  I have started a load of laundry and am typing this piece, so it’s going well so far.  It’s only 7:45 am though and I don’t leave for my treatment until a little after 9:15 so I still have a lot of time to kill.  I may do my rea ding for class and try to knock that assignment out before I leave.  Or I may go take a nice long bath this morning.  I usually take one at night, but I kind of feel like  taking one this morning.  We will see.

My oldest called last night and we talked for a long time about how she was feeling.  She has been having tummy trouble and not wanting to eat as a result of that.  So I talked about what a big transition she was going through getting ready to leave college and start her job in Orlando, and  how her body could be manifesting that stress through her stomach and all.  WE talked about a lot of things and I just tried to be understanding and there to listen to  her talk.  If it keeps up, we’ll take her to the doctor,  She is on her period this week so that may have something to do with it too.  We agreed to give it another month and see how she felt her next period and go from there.

I keep bringing stuff that was brought up in group back home with me and telling Bob.  I want him to understand what all is going on and what I am realizing.  Mostly what I am realizing is that my self-image was damaged terribly by my parents and I have been reenacting those victim scenarios in our marriage.  So some things may have to change in how we relate to each other.  I’m not sure how that is going to look just yet.

But we will see what happens. I think I am going to go take that bath this morning and try to establish a new routine at least for now.  Hopefully I can continue to stay awake.  Hope everyone has a good end of the week.



I missed yesterday,  It was a busy day, and today was too.  I wen to see Dr. Bishop today and he sounded glad that I was still going to Psycamore and getting help.  Groups were good today and I got my scores back on the PTSD index test I took–I scored high on trauma splitting and trauma shame and trauma reenacting.

Trauma splitting is when you wall off parts of your life that were hurt, trauma shame is when you feel responsible for how trauma happened, and trauma reenactment is when you reenact the trauma either as victim or a perpetrator.  i scored significantly in a couple of other behaviors too.  All to say tht I am still reacting to what my parents did to me as far as abuse and often projecting on to Bob the behavior that my parents did to me.  So that is not fair to him at all.

We go to church tonight and I am looking forward to it.  Hopefully everything will go well.  I still don’t feel motivated to catch up on my school work–I haven’t done the readings yet and still have to respond to that and to the workshop piece   We will see how tomorrow morning goes.


Three Days a Week

Psycamore has moved me to only coming three days a week starting next week.  At least that’s what the doctor suggested.  I asked the  coordinator and she said they would coordinate that with the treatment team and see what days I needed to come in on.  So that will be interesting.

I shared my timeline today and fielded questions about my condition for the morning.  It was interesting to do–talking about my issues through the years and what all is getting to me now.  I feel like the biggest things I have gotten out of therapy has been the realization that I was projecting anxiety about my financial situation onto Bob when I shouldn’t be because he’s not going to treat me like my mom did when I was under her financial thumb.  I think that is the biggest thing that triggered this depression was how the feeling of not working just upset me so badly.

But I checked this afternoon and I have 14 students signed up so far for the fall–that may change over the summer but right now it’s plenty to have in a class.  I am going to change how I teach it by cutting out the history stuff and putting more authors at the end.  So we will see.

Hope everyone has a good start to the week!

So Tired

Today seemed like a very long day.   I don’t know why I feel so tired.  I know I didn’t sleep well last night but it seems to have sapped my energy a great deal. And I’m trying to do my schoolwork and am having trouble with it.  The only thing holding me back from finishing the semester are the weekly readings and the workshop responses. I’ve already done all I’m going to do on my final project so I am done with it.  I just need to get through the next two weeks and I’m through with school for a while.

Had a good conversation with Bob yesterday about some of the things that are coming out in therapy.  He said he didn’t know what to do with my feelings about some of it, but he was willing to listen and reassure me that I was okay and that everything was fine between us.   So I suppose that was good to hear.

We’re trying to figure out what to do for supper before my youngest gets home late tonight.  We kind of want to go out so we will see about that in a hour or so.  I may get sweet tea so I can stay up until she gets hoem tonight.

Hope everyone has a good weekend and has a good time relaxing.


I forgot to eat breakfast this morning, forgot to pack lunch, forgot to put on makeup, forgot everything this morning.  I had such a hard time getting out of bed this morning. I did remember to check my email and whatnot.  But that was all.  I don’t know what happened.

Had a good day today in groups and in my counseling session.  We talked a lot about my behaviors, how they played out in my mania and in my depressions.  My counselor said I had to own my behaviors and change those that are maladaptive, but that I needed to know that my feelings I was feeling were normal for  someone who had been through what all I had been through.  He said it was up to me to accept that notion, but that accepting that my needs were valid was part of therapy. I said that made sense.  So we kind of left off there since the hour was up.

My youngest is still on her trip so that seems to be going well–she is texting us every night before she goes to bed to say it’s going well and saying good night.  I hope she is enjoying all the activities and having fun with her friends and safe.

Hope everyone has a good end to their week and a good weekend.




Chocolate Bunny

As in, I am sitting here eating the entire thing at once in one sitting.  I am going to feel awful about myself after I finish.  I just feel bad about everything I am missing at my treatment center and worried that they haven’t called to say my car is ready yet.  I am so angry about this whole situation.  I am eating to try to cheer myself up.  But I don’t think it’s going to work.

I feel rotten that I haven’t accomplished anything I meant to while I was going to be at home.  i just want to crawl back into the bed and stay.  I thought I was getting better and so did the folks at my treatment center.  I just don’t know what to do with myself right now.  Now I want a Coke to wash all the chocolate out of my mouth.  I need to get a handle on this right now.

And I just called and they said the car wouldn’t be ready at noon like they said; it’s not going to be until 2:30 or 3.  I guess I need to call my treatment center and let them know.

I am so angry.  I hate it when this happens.  If Bob has wanted to he could have taken me to the treatment center, but he used work as an excuse.  But he’s fine with taking off this afternoon to go pick up the car when it is ready.  I don’t understand what the difference is.

Finally some good news.  Just talked to my treatment center and they said that not only would they not charge me the no-show fee, they would credit my account for the day I missed on next week’s payment.  Now I feel better.


Ripped Off

My bumper, that is.  I had parked my car up close to a curb at my treatment center and my bumper stuck on the curb this afternoon and ripped clean off my car. I couldn’t fit it into my car so one of the guys with an SUV put it in his back end and followed me to the body shop, where they said they should get to it tomorrow before noon.  So I may get to go to treatment tomorrow, I may not.  Bob says he can’t take me to it tomorrow; they’re too busy for him to take out tomorrow and take me there.  I’m just glad my daughter left on her trip today and didn’t need me to be at home in time to catch her off the bus.

Now I have a headache. We can’t put it on the insurance so we’ll pay out of pocket and no idea how much it will cost. I feel so stupid having done it.  I don’t know what I could have done differently to prevent it.  Just bad news all the way around.  I’m trying to do the right things and things feel like they are spinning out of control for me.  Hopefully I can get something worked out.

I have the CPC event tonight and I hope that will calm me down somehow or at least make me forget about it all for a while. I really don’t want to go–I feel horrible.  But Bob said I could take his car tonight so I suppose I will do that.

Hopefully I can somehow get my car back and go to treatment tomorrow at least for the afternoon.   I will pray hard on it tonight. Maybe they can even be done with it before  10 so I will make it there on time.  Hope everyone else has a better day than me.