Nailed It!

Yes, of course it was the Cataflam. I’ve been off it for the weekend and can walk in a straight line again and don’t see dangerous in the kitchen anymore. The mental symptoms are receding as well–my typing is better, and my focus and recall have improved drastically. I actually wrote a really cool scene for my work-in-progress last night and it’s not just garbage typing to read!

By back still hurts a little bit but not nearly what it did before. I will just have to take more breaks and let those muscles back there rest more often. But I think I can manage that.

I also dropped Otezla. I took it for psoriasis as you may have read earlier in the blog. It often causes mental illness symptoms. I talked to the dermatologist about and he finally just said, “Well, if you start feeling bad at all, just stop taking it.” So last week I did just that.

No more rage, no more crying spells, no impatience.

Maybe I’m finally one the mend. I so hope so. Hope everyone has a good week!

Punch-Drunk

I have been dealing with some upper back issues over the last few weeks. I finally went to th doctor. I first got a Toradol shot, then Cataflam three times a day.

The second I started walking away after getting the Toradol, I nearly crashed into the wall going out the door. My gait has been off by like, three degrees to the left, and my perception has been doubly nearsighted. I started taking the meds the next day when I got them, which seemed to worsen these symptoms.

My back didn’t hurt anymore. But I was a danger to myself. I woke up Tuesday, and my husband said I needed to work from home–he didn’t think I’d be safe to drive. I was stumbling over my own feet walking around.

So I stopped taking the Cataflam during the day. I only took the med at night. It helped some, but not much.

I can’t keep going like this. I went to the grocery store today, and I’m not really sure how I got home. I can’t type with any speed or accuracy, my recall of details is shot, I can’t concentrate on work, and I can’t cope with multi-step directions. I feel like I’ve aged ten years in the past two weeks.

I’m going to lay off the Cataflam this weekend and see if that gets me back to normal. I hope so. I’m too young to be coming apart cognitively like this. Please pray.

Weird Weekend

This weekend we had prepared to go up state to go to a baseball game with our middle and youngest daughters, my mother in-law, Bob’s nephews, and visit my folks on the way home for a little while.

On the way up my phone starts ringing (this almost never happens). I check the number, and it’s my parents’ number. So I answer it.

It’s my dad.

This is not going to be good news. Dad hates phones in general, and for him to have gone to the trouble to look up my cell phone number meant this was serious business.

My mom had fallen that afternoon. She hit a corner of a cardboard box on the way down, and she couldn’t even get out of the floor herself, my daddy had to lift her to her feet. But they hadn’t gone to the doctor–they were going to wait it out.

So we went on all weekend, with me checking in Saturday afternoon. Still hadn’t gone to the doctor. This was not unusual behavior for my mom–we walked on a broken femur for two or three days about 25 years ago.

So when we felt Starkville today, I called ahead to see if we could still come by; Daddy said sure and they had gone to the emergency room last night and nothing was broken. Had her on pain meds that wouldn’t make her sick.

So we took her a Mother’s Day present–bath bombs, a nail kit, and a nail trimmer with a light attached so you could see what you were doing. I had to unpack it for her, let her look at everything, then pack it all up in the bag again.

She did not look good. And she didn’t talk much. But I’m glad we dropped by even if there wasn’t anything I could do. I just wanted to see my mom for Mother’s Day.

Back Issues

So my back has started to act up over the past month–up to where I can barely move my upper body without bringing on instant pain from the middle of my neck down my right shoulder and shoulder blade, then across my mid-back from right to left. I keep trying to relax my muscles and it’s just not happening.

My back used to hurt like this when I was younger when I had to lean in to read the piano music I enjoyed. I had to get my face without a foot to six inches away from the sheet music, absolutely ruining my posture and causing this exact pain. I gave up piano a long time ago.

Now I’m generally having to lean into the computer the same way to see what I am doing on it. I can’t just type–I do a lot of cutting and copying and pasting–and I have to make sure all the words land wherever they’re supposed to go. And it’s killing my back.

But I’m going to the doctor and see what he can do as far as recommending PT or whatever. I can’t continue to just hurt typing and doing computer work. I’ve already been put to pasture once and it didn’t work out so well. I need to be able to keep working and writing, So we will see. Wish me well!

So Sick I Can’t Stand It

Today is about the lowest I have felt since I got so sick in October with the intestinal blockage. I woke up so sleepy. I ate breakfast quickly and just felt awful all morning. I realized i was freezing inside the house, so I put on a sweatshirt and full length blue jeans. (I was working from home because pipes burst in our building.) I was still cold and I climbed back in the bed for about twenty minutes.

I got up in time to sign in to work, and my second monitor was refusing to work. This is a recurring issue that our IT guy is puzzled by. But I got it to work and started in.

I got a series of the dumbest emails ever known to man. I replied to them with my boss copied in so he could see what I was dealing with. Then I got going on my other tasks, and the computer was randomly closing tabs and what not as I was working. I got up to refill my water cup I sip, and I started throwing up–just plain water, no food, just the liquid. So I told my boss I was sick and just signed off.

I’ve had a few popsicles, some toast, more water, and a small helping of chicken noodle soup and haven’t gotten sick again.

But my back aches–both across my shoulder and my lower back. Nothing tastes good or right to me. I’ve been crying on and off all morning. I tried soaking in the tub and I still ache as I’m actually trying to accomplish something. It feels like hot wires in my shoulders, and someone just flipped the electric switch. I’m still cold.

I don’t even feel human anymore. I’m sad and mad and achy and old. I hate feeling this way.

Brain Overload

I admit it. I’m getting old, and I need new systems to keep up with my appointments, etc.

I used to just keep it all in my head. Several years ago I started writing items down on a calendar. Then I started taking that calendar and posting on the refrigerator.

But all last week my brain kept tricking me that I had cancelled and rescheduled an appointment that I had on the calendar on April 12 and rescheduled it to today. But I couldn’t remember what time it was. So this morning I called to check.

Reader, I had not cancelled that appointment and rescheduled it. I had just blown through it and missed it.

So I guess I need to start putting it in my phone and setting an alarm like the rest of the human race.

It’s upsetting because I have always had a lot of pride in my good memory. I could memorize like nobody’s business, recite poetry and passages from books, and remember everything I read after one go. That’s how I got through school so well.

Now I don’t know if it’s just age-related, a side effect of the pharmacy of medications I take every day, or if I just have too much to keep up with in my head these days.

Excuse me while I go chase some kids off my lawn. . .

Back to Normal?

Maybe.

The rage is gone. The itching is totally gone. And the random crying is gone.

I had a good day yesterday and hope to be able to get going at work tomorrow bright and early. Lots to do still and that’s good. Because left to my own devices I’d just dissolve into a puddle of tears and shame for not pulling my weight and not being able to cope.

So we will see how long this stability lasts.

Turned a Corner

Today was kind of a white-knuckle day. I got some things done at work, but it was at a very halting and stop-and-go pace. I sat through a meeting and managed to pay attention to what was being said. So that was good. I felt such a weight roll off my back when I was able to sign out, though.

The itching is gone. The rage is just about all gone. And last night I had a lot of tossing-and-turning time before I finally fell asleep. And the extra movements are just about gone. So I am finally feeling better. I hope it’s a long, long time before I get that close to an episode again. I did not enjoy it in the least.

It’s been two months of just lots of med changes and coping mechanisms being deployed and some of them working and others of them not. I know Bob is probably tired out from hearing all my nature music over and over again, but it helps so much when I’m like this.

Keep praying that I’m on the mend. I appreciate all your support.

Losing it.

Yes. That’s what I’m doing. They finally added in an antipsychotic today to get the rage to recede. I hope this is what works.

I am trying to relax today ecause I can tell my temper is still high. Every time I make a typo, I want to break the keyboard. It’s raining today. We had a tornado go through Jackson last night. Suffering everywhere. And all I can hear in my head is myself screaming. No words.

I took the anti-psychotic when I got home and will take the next one when I eat lunch. I hope it calms me down finally. I don’t know what else I can do. I feel like if I call anyone and start talking I’ll just start crying.

Please if you know me in real life, DO NOT go out and talk about me and what I’ve written here. I’m not trying to worry people. I just need to get my medicine adjusted. Give me some grace here of not sharing it with other people. Or I’ll just have to take the whole blog, zip it shut, save it, and delete this from the internet. That’s already why I started slowing down on posting. It no longer felt like a safe space to share.

Just pray.

At wit’s End

So today while Bob was home at lunch, we set criteria for me to try to go to a crisis care unit in my community since the psych unit I used to go to is closed: if I wanted to just quit my job for no reason, if I wanted to run away or disappear, if I wanted to hurt myself, or someone else.

I’ve blown right through the first two. I read up on the website for the crisis center and I think I’d have to be past the third to get in. I’m calling my psychiatrist to see what he thinks.

He wants to see me first thing in the morning. We will see what happens.