I think my dissociation is getting worse. I am literally watching so many things go wrong and I don’t feel anything. I know it’s protective–it’s to keep me from freaking out. But I feel so helpless–nothing to do, nothing to say, nothing to do to help. I’m just in a frozen little ball that doesn’t want to be bothered–just let me stay here and curled up until the crisis is over. I’m scared I’m going to slip out of reality before it’s over. If there is one feeling I can’t stand, it is helplessness.
My youngest is going to camp next week and I’m going to miss her terribly. She went today to shop for some essentials with a friend that’s also going to the same camp. She said she did well with her shopping so I am leaving her to finish packing.
I may go to sleep when this is over. I didn’t get up until 11:00. I just can’t cope right now. I’m going to finish my drink and snack and then check out until time to cook supper. I feel horrible doing this. I need to finish my writing project. I don’t know how I’ll make myself finish. But I’ve got to try.